My husband has a problem. And it's this.

Or maybe I should say I have the problem, since I have to live with him. AND HIS HORRIBLE FAKE TEETH THAT HE WEARS FOR THE MOST RANDOM OCCASIONS.

It's been just about a year since I wrote this post about how the teeth came into our lives. Let me say that again: a year. And yet ... the above photo? Was taken last week.

Let's ignore for a moment that they're probably crawling with, like, flesh-eating bacteria by now. We'll focus on the fact that it has been a full year, and what I thought (hoped?) would be a phase is clearly more of a ... psychological issue quirk. I figure he'd wear them for a week or two and then lose them in various places the way he does with, you know, his wedding ring.

But no. The man may misplace the very symbol of our marriage, but he damn well knows where his rotten-ass plastic dentures are at all times.

Here's a photo of him wearing them in the Dairy Queen drive-through over the summer:

The cashier did a serious double-take.

Fun fact: he tried to order with them in, but they couldn't understand him so he had to take them out and repeat himself.

Or how about this picture from when we went - wait for it - Christmas shopping?

Because nothing says "holiday magic" like obnoxious fake teeth.

He recently flew to the east coast for work and as he was leaving I joked, "Do you want your teeth?" and the man actually hesitated as though he were seriously considering packing the teeth for a damn business trip.

I'd surreptitiously pitch them in the trash while he's gone one day, but I'm afraid that would be grounds for divorce. He would definitely notice their absence. Besides, he usually keeps them at the ready in the console of the car, because you never know when you're going to need disgusting false teeth at a moment's notice. *eye roll*

I'm thinking I need to stage a denture-vention here.

... Or at least buy him a clean set.

No Mo' Naked

Last week, I had an anniversary of sorts.

It wasn't the anniversary of the day I got married, or became a homeowner, or had children.

It was the anniversary of when I finally reached a professional goal: to be published on The Huffington Post, with an article I had first published here on my blog (with little fanfare), called "Why I Want My Sons to See Me Naked."

It was the anniversary of a week when, every single day, perfect strangers sought out my email address to tell me that I was a terrible mother, that someone should call child protective services and take my kids away. The week when people in countless comment sections lambasted me as a pervert, a monster, a child molester, someone whose children were unsafe and unloved. The week when they said I was "turning my sons gay" and that I was "the reason society is crumbling." The week when an article was written about me by a "conservative news source" touting me as "the worst mother of 2014." The week when these opinions spread like wildfire, share after share after share, until I felt like the cowering target of some kind of horrible Internet witch hunt.

It probably wasn't that bad. After all, there were a lot of supportive comments mixed in. But when it's you people are talking about, and your family, the hate sticks out like a sore thumb. Those comments carry more weight somehow, even though you know they shouldn't.

As more and more people actually read the article instead of commenting based on the headline alone, they realized that - despite the inflammatory title - I wasn't being perverted or deranged. I was making a point about body image. And slowly, the tide shifted and the comments were overwhelmingly positive. And now, when the article is shared (because it still pops up somewhere every month or so - it actually went viral in India a few months ago), there's not nearly the amount of vitriol directed at me that there used to be. Thank goodness.

The title was my fault. I had been trying for months - months - to get HuffPost to publish something of mine, to no avail. I even offered them "Ten Boy-Mom Musts" just after it went crazy on my site. Piece after piece I submitted, with nothing from them but radio silence. It was frustrating. So one day, I decided to submit the piece I had originally (and boringly) entitled "The Naked Truth." Only I thought, Maybe if I change the title to something more provocative, they'll take notice. So I emailed them the newly-renamed "Why I Want My Sons to See Me Naked."

I had an acceptance response in less than an hour.

I was ecstatic, until the piece ran. And then I just felt like someone opened up the sky and took a Godzilla-sized dump on me. It was, like, this overwhelming deluge of WTF-ness that just kept unfolding.

HuffPost Live asked me to come on their show and explain my stance (watch it here; I still cringe). I was asked to call in to a radio show out of Detroit (I said I'd only do it if they weren't going to bash my parenting, and they never called me back). I was contacted by the producer of The Doctors TV show - but when I explained myself, that I wasn't some sort of crazy mother who forces my naked body upon my children (ick), they deemed it not controversial enough. It was all so surreal.

I wrote this post in an effort to further explain myself - my attempt at gasping for air in the midst of this giant shitstorm I had inadvertently created.

The madness eventually died down, of course. And I know it's cliche, but I did emerge on the other side of it with a much much thicker skin. It's funny what a trial by fire will do to a person.

Throughout the whole thing, I received one question more often than any other: so when are you going to stop letting your kids see you naked? I never had a specific answer, other than, "Whenever they start to feel uncomfortable with it, I guess." Or, you know, until they remember to freaking knock.

So last week - the one year anniversary of the post - I was getting ready to take a shower when my oldest son walked into my bathroom. He just turned ten in June. At that point I was still fully clothed, laying out my towel and my deodorant and stuff. He was blathering on about something computer-related, and I was doling out my usual "mm-hmmms" as I began to remove my shirt.

He yelped like I'd pinched him and ran out of the room.

"Colin?" I called after him, frowning. "What's wrong, buddy?"

"You're naked!" he shouted from the distance. "Ew!"

I couldn't help but laugh. To everybody who has ever asked me when it's going to stop ... there's your answer. The moment they think it's gross.

My boys are normal after all. Take that, haters.

Something Squirrely

There's something squirrel-y going on around here ... literally. But it doesn't involve cuteness. Or nuts.

( ... That's what she said. Heh heh.)


We have a creek running through our yard. And even though it's technically on our property, it's owned by the city, so people treat it like a public park. They're drawn to it. I have considered, more than once, constructing a huge "GET OFF MY LAWN" sign. (I'm gonna make such a fabulous old lady.) It kind of irks me when people hang out there, especially when they leave trash, but whatever. Aside from a few minor annoyances (and one seriously strange incident that freaks me out to this day), I love it. It's a beautiful, tranquil place, and the kids have spent many summertime hours splashing happily in its shallow waters and playing on its banks.

The other morning I was taking our two dogs out to pee and decided to walk down by the creek. Josie, our lab, kept her nose to the ground, sniffing intently. I didn't think anything of it - the area is full of deer, squirrels, raccoons, possums, birds, all kinds of good wildlife for a dog to smell. But then she stopped short at one of the trees. And when I looked, I saw something weird lying there.

A black squirrel ... wrapped in paper.

Was it sleeping? I nudged it with my toe. It felt soft, not stiff. I reached down and gingerly peeled back part of the paper to look at its body (when I did, the paper - which was damp with dew - ripped a little bit, like you see in the picture below).

I took the dogs inside (much to Josie's dismay) and returned with my rubber gloves on. Because I take care of my yard, y'all, and the last thing I want is a stinking squirrel corpse rotting away right where I mow.

I examined it a little more closely. I'm not easily grossed out, and my curiosity was getting the best of me. The poor squirrel had been fully wrapped up in the paper - like, deliberately. The paper was clean and intact (except for where I'd ripped it), not like a random piece of trash it had gotten tangled up in. The squirrel itself was still pliable, which meant it hadn't been dead for long, and the bugs hadn't even started in on it. I picked it up and looked at the underside. There was no bloating, no swelling, no visible trauma whatsoever. It looked like a perfectly healthy, normal squirrel.

Until I looked at its face and realized ...

... both of its eyes were completely gone.

That's when the creepy factor increased from "ew" to "NOPE" and I squealed like a sissy and threw it across the creek and into the woods.

So to recap: freshly dead black squirrel, wrapped in clean paper, laid beside a tree in my yard, looking normal except for the fact that it was EYELESS.

Pardon my language here, folks, but I think the only appropriate thing to say about this is what the actual fuck?

I have literally zero plausible explanations as to why this scenario occurred. Did the squirrel pluck out its own eyeballs, wrap itself up and lay down at the base of the tree in protest of forest politics? Is there some weird squirrel-sacrificing cult practicing their dark magic in my back yard? Either way: it's more than a bit unnerving.

Any ideas, you guys? Because I'm at a loss.

Just to end this post on a brighter note, I've made a memorial photo. It may not be of THE squirrel, but it's one of the many who hang out on our deck, so who knows? It could be him. In happier days, when he, like, still had eyes and wasn't dead and stuff.

Yeah, that's better.

You So Six-y

Six years ago this very moment (edited: this very moment yesterday, because I am a slacker who apparently cannot publish a timely blog post), I was watching The Golden Girls in a backless gown, hooked up to monitors signaling my contraction strength. Little did I know that the "little" guy I was about to deliver would end up being my biggest baby: nine-plus pounds of heftiness that charged boldly through my nether-regions like a linebacker.

I also blogged about it - because at that time, my blog was relatively new and I had never written a post while not pregnant.

This burly baby was Coby, who is turning six now OMG where does the time go?

He looks soooo much like I did at his age. Like, exactly. And if you tell him that, he will smile in an embarrassed manner - because apparently at this age it's cooler to look like Dad.

See? Change the hair color a bit, give him a sweet mullet like my first-grade self, and we're practically twins. It kind of trips me out to see what I'd have looked like as a boy, so I'm kind of anxious for him to grow so I can see what I'd have looked like as a man.


Coby has a sweet and easygoing disposition, a genuinely big heart, and is always the first one jumping up to lend a helping hand. While he's still holding fast to his mysterious country-boy roots, he has discovered a deep love for physical fitness - you can find him lifting my ten-pound hand weights (a pretty impressive feat when you consider he only weighs less than fifty pounds himself) and doing push-ups and burpees. And he has always been inclined to eat healthy - this is the kid that goes to the pizza buffet and loads up his plate with veggies. (This is something he most definitely did not inherit from his mother. I buy butter in bulk if that tells you anything.) The amount of strength in that little body is absolutely amazing, but what's more amazing is his total dedication to improving it. He's about to start karate lessons, and he loves skateboarding. Always on the go, this boy.

He's our "easy" one. While he has his moments, we can always count on him to be generally more even-tempered and agreeable than his brothers. His teachers gush about what a joy he is to have in class. He's had a few cringe-worthy incidents - like this one - but so far he hasn't cost us thousands of dollars in emergency room bills (like some of our kids ... coughCorbincough) or elicited calls from the school. So I'm actually pretty grateful for his disposition.

I've made a slideshow for his birthday. I mean, I didn't make slideshows for ... let's see ... any of the three other birthdays we've celebrated this year, but hey. Better one than none, right? I'll be more on the ball next year.

... Yeah, next year.

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