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That Time My Toilet Sent Me to the Hospital

Two nights ago, I was rushed to the emergency room at 2:30am.

I've been pretty sick this week with a bad cold. It's not the flu - I tested negative for that, thank goodness - but it shares a lot of the same symptoms and sucks nearly as much ass. My hacking cough, high fever, and body aches have made it impossible to sleep well. (I mean, as "well" as I ever sleep considering no mother sleeps well ever again after the birth of her first child.)

Anyway, the other night I got up to fetch a middle-of-the-night dose of Motrin from my bathroom closet. But by the time I walked from my bed into the bathroom - a total of, like, ten steps - I started feeling really weird, like I was gonna barf. I vaguely remember feeling panicked about this, like WTF WHY DO I FEEL BARFY WHEN I HAVE A RESPIRATORY ILLNESS and pacing around my bathroom gagging a little bit, and then sitting on the toilet thinking I might just have to take a dump instead.

My next coherent thought was, "I need …

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