(And no, the wreck wasn't my fault, thankyouverymuch.)
I was so behind the times that when I told people I didn't have a cell phone, they'd look at me like my eyebrows had turned into caterpillars and were inching their way across my face. "Everybody has a cell phone," they'd say, as if I didn't know.
Yesterday, I had a flashback to 2007 when I heard that phrase again ... only this time it was from my nine-year-old.
It started when I got a text. I expected it to be from one of the handful of people who regularly text me - but instead, it was from a number I didn't know, talking about, "So much homework!" and "Are you making that Minecraft video?" and a bunch of emoticons.
I haven't personally made a Minecraft video in ... well, ever. But I just happen to know someone who is obsessed with Minecraft, so I was pretty sure he was the intended recipient of the text.
"Colin?" I shouted in the direction of his bedroom. "Did you give one of your friends my phone number? Because I think you have a text."
It was as though I'd told him tomorrow was Christmas, the way he scrambled to snatch up the phone. "You can text with your friend for a little while," I told him, "but I need it back soon." Because hello, not having access to your own phone is a weird feeling.
When he was done with it, Colin asked the question that I was certain was coming: "Mom, can I get a phone?"
And I gave the answer that he had to know was coming: "No."
"But everybody has a phone," he said, proceeding to rattle off a list of his technologically-blessed classmates.
"Good for everybody," I said. "But you're nine years old. And your parents are mean. So you don't need a phone."
Seriously, is this a thing? Nine-year-old fourth-graders having their own phones? Because until yesterday, I had no idea that kids this young (not to mention MULTIPLE kids this young) had their own phones. I guess if there's a need - like, maybe if the kid's parents both work and he or she is in some sort of extracurricular activity or sport after school or something - I can see the practicality of it. But, like, my son literally has zero purpose for having his own phone at this point. And in my opinion, probably not for years to come.
I mean ... who wants to waste valuable data on conversations like this?
... I rest my case.