*goes back in time to slap 21-year-old self*
So recently I had the pleasure of attending my best guy friend's fancy-schmancy black tie wedding. And after I consulted the Internet to make sure I did not, in fact, have to actually wear a black tie, I chose my dress. A floor-length, form-fitting dress. A dress that, while gorgeous, was not especially forgiving when it came to exposing my various lumps and bumps and flaps. So I did what any lumpy, bumpy, flappy thirtysomething would do: I bought a pair of Spanx.
Now, I've had shapewear before. But it was always cheap, like six-bucks-from-Walmart-cheap. And I've heard Spanx are on a whole other level when it comes to flesh compression. This fancy wedding called for some fancy underthings, y'all. So here's what I got.
Image via Kohl's.
(Side note: DOES THIS WOMAN EVEN LOOK LIKE SHE NEEDS SPANX?! There's, like, nothing to spank. It's like she's pushing her stomach out to make it appear as though she has something to hold in. Or is that a hipbone? Anyway ...)
I got the big, boob-height ones because I wanted to make sure all the fat didn't squish up and make some sort of weird roll around my rib cage.
When you buy fancy fat-squeezing pants, you apparently get extra amenities that knockoff Spanx lack: namely, A PEE HOLE. A convenient opening, right in the crotch, which would apparently enable you to pee without having to wrestle the Spanx down like a walrus in a wetsuit. I was intrigued. (Also: fresh air to the lady-parts. Thank you sweet baby Jesus.)
The day before the wedding, I shimmied (okay - more like grunted, tugged, and heaved) my way into the Spanx for a test run. I wanted to see how they felt - but more importantly, I wanted to see if the pee hole would make it easy to "go" while encased in my shapewear sheath. I briefly canvassed the Internet for tips, but oddly, there's a huge lack of advice out there for successful peeing while Spanxsed. Go figure.
I squat-straddled the toilet, widening my stance as best I could, and gingerly held one side of the pee-hole out of the way with a crooked finger. But something told me even that wouldn't prevent me from soiling my Spanx, so I wadded up some toilet paper and held it against the edge of the pee-hole just in case. As my bladder did its thang, I tried to adjust my position accordingly. One hip lifted, then the other; shoulders hunched at odd angles; neck craned awkwardly so I could see what was going on down there. Tilting this way and that, trying to aim the stream as best I could without a ... a ... what's that apparatus people use to direct their pee flow? Oh yeah. A PENIS.
I felt kind of like this, except, you know, not graceful or athletic. And on the shitter.
So here I am, hovering over the toilet in some weird contorted position, trying to keep the pee-hole pee-free, when all of a sudden ...
I felt a searing pain in my lower back, like someone was jabbing my spine with a cattle prod.
Yes, you read that right: I INJURED MYSELF TRYING TO PEE THROUGH A HOLE IN MY UNDERGARMENTS.
At that point I didn't care if I shit in my Spanx - I was in pain. So I finished up peeing and wiped without giving a damn and waddled out of the bathroom, still bent over and calling for my husband.
"Currrrtiiiiiiis?" I whimpered.
I couldn't see his expression when he discovered me there, hunched and hobbling, but I can only assume he was marveling at how amazing his wife is and reflecting on his incredible luck.*
*No, you're delusional.
Anyway, once he quit laughing he massaged my back until I was able to straighten up again. And after a few stretches and a fistful of ibuprofen and a whole bunch of whining, I was right as rain. Or at least able to walk normally.
I learned a valuable lesson during my trial run of the Spanx: peeing through the hole can be more trouble than actually de-Spanxing and peeing like a normal person. It might take a couple minutes longer (and you might end up out of breath) but at least you can walk upright when all is said and done. So that's exactly what I did throughout the reception whenever the alcohol - I mean, urine - needed to make an exit.
... Until I took those bitches off and twirled them around my head and wobbled in all my Spanx-less, gussied-up glory to a 7-11 at 2 a.m. and ending up sharing convenience store pizza with a bunch of homeless people across from Boston Common.
But that's a story for another time.