Homewrecking Heathens

I used to write special blog posts in honor of my kids' birthdays, but now that I'm officially The Old Lady Who Lived in a Shoe (minus, like, the shoe part) I've been slipping up: I mean, who can keep up with all these kids? Coby turned three this past Friday, and there was no special post to be found. But in all fairness, it was because we spent the weekend out of state at our parents' houses. Which was kind of a fiasco at times, and thank goodness they love us or they'd probably forbid us from ever coming over again. "Hi Mom, can we crash at your place this weekend? ... Oh, you'll be busy dusting under your couch?"

Catastrophic event #1 took place at my mother-in-law's. The day dawned beautifully, and after breakfast, we all went outside to sit on her back deck while the kids played in the yard. The boys, of course, were immediately drawn to a shiny blue gazing ball that was snazzying-up the landscape. Kind of like this one:


The dudes were all, "Wow, Nana, what's this?" and Nana was all, "Oh, that's my very special decoration. It means a lot to me because it was a gift from one of my dearest friends, and now she's passed away, so I remember her whenever I look at it."

And within about five minutes? Nana's very special decoration was very accidentally lying in shards on the grass. It couldn't have been, like, a plastic lawn gnome she picked up at the Dollar Tree, oh noooo ... it had to be the precious gift from a dearly departed friend. Ugh.

Fast-forward a few hours, and we were spending the night at my mom's. At bedtime, I realized I had left the Pull-Ups at my mother-in-law's. Both Cameron and Coby wear them at night; Cameron as a precaution because he wets the bed like once a month, and Coby because even though he can stay dry during the day, he has yet to master staying dry every night. But they're both pretty good at staying pee-free; most mornings their Pull-Ups are dry, so I figured this one night would be fine, as long as they both peed right before they went to bed.

Lesson #4,599: never assume.

They both peed like effing racehorses. Like I'd given them each a jug of water to guzzle before tucking them in. Cameron was on my mom's air mattress; Coby was on my mom's bed. So there were two sets of soiled sheets to wash, two sets of pajamas, two times the stress.

The next night we were at my mom's again: this time with Pull-Ups. We all settled into the freshly washed sheets and went to sleep, secure in the knowledge that no one would pee on the nice clean bedding. But in the morning, when we woke up?

There was blood all. Over. The. Sheets.

Our lovely Lab, Josie, had conveniently gone into heat while sleeping at the foot of my mother's bed.

OMGWTFBBQ.

Did I mention my mom's bedroom looks pretty much like this?


Her bedding is white. It's pristine. And now, it's bloodstained. I scrubbed it the best I could with stain remover (bare hands on dog blood OMG), so I hope it miraculously came out and became pure and white and lovely again. I'm kind of afraid to call and be like, "Sooooo, how's that pretty white bedspread?"

I've gotta say, though, both of the moms were surprisingly un-ruffled by the disastrous messes brought about by our company. Thank goodness, because no matter how old you get, I'm truly convinced that you never outgrow the fear of your mom getting all pissed off when you mess up her stuff.

On the drive home, I tried to console myself with some Corn Nuts.


I had absolutely zero intention of sharing. But when you eat Corn Nuts, the entire tri-state area knows because they smell so ... I don't know, corny? So I purposely waited until all the kids were asleep before opening the bag.

Me: "Are you guys awake?"
Boys: silence
Me, a bit louder: "Boys? You awake?"
Boys: silence
Me: "Sweet, they're all asleep."
*opening Corn Nuts*
*crunch crunch crunch*
Colin: "Mommy? What's that smell?"
Cameron: "What are you guys eating?"
Coby: "Can I taste? Can I taste?"
Me: "Nobody's eating anything. It must have been that Hardee's we just passed. Go back to sleep."
*quietly reseals bag*

(Funny story ... the reason we were craving Corn Nuts in the first place is because on the ride there, Curtis and I kept thinking we smelled them. We were all, "What is that smell? Oh my gosh, Corn Nuts! Something smells like Corn Nuts! We should have stopped to get some. Those sound soooo good." And it was only later that we realized the Corn Nuts smell - which we had been eagerly inhaling into our nostrils - was actually dog fart. YUM.)

So yeah. It was an eventful trip; you've gotta love traveling with kids. But next time we do, I'm bringing rubber sheets, industrial-strength stain remover, and a bottle of superglue.

Because you just never know.


6 comments:

  1. Oh that's funny! Good thing your mom takes it in stride. And just wait - their little heathens will wreck your house someday! At least then, you'll get to send them all home.

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  2. Another thing that smells just like corn nuts - sweaty feet. No kidding, and it seems it is boy's feet more than girls, go figure.

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  3. How I envy you and miss those days. When they grow it's all just a bunch of great memories. Although I admit we never took them to other peoples houses...lol

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  4. LOL, all is well in Missouri! I always decorate with fabrics that can be washed, washed, and re-washed because - as you pointed out - you just never know. I never want a house so fancy that my kids and grandchildren can't feel comfortable here. That's why I have a leather couch that can be wiped off, Pergo floor that I can use the Swiffer on, and keep plenty of paper towels and stain stick on hand. I thought it was a wonderful weekend, and I can't wait for you to come back!

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  5. the girls get into all kinds of stuff,one of them jumped into the pond wearing a new dress, one got into the garage and got grease and went underthe porch with a spoon, dig holes in the yard, moves rocks into the yard and then u hit them with the mower errrrrrrr, or just moved into a new house and they ink the bedroom closet door that says GTO, marked on my moms wall with perment marker, so yea you never know what kids will do next lol

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  6. Oh my word. Not so much of a relaxing vacation? Blood? And pee? And corn nuts? And don't even get me started on the fact that a dog fart cause d you to have a craving for a snack. Cracking up overs here.

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