Sadly, that is not a description of my typical Saturday nights (although wouldn't that be epic?!). Those are actual search terms by which people have found my blog. Yeah - apparently you type those phrases (or "big pubes" or "be kind like Jesus" or "constipated gorilla") into a search engine and bam, you find yourself here at The Frump. Amazing.
As you know if you've read this post or this one, I'm rather a fan of going through search terms. I don't do it for informational purposes, like to optimize my keyword density or whatever the hell people actually use that information for. Nope, I just read them and LOL.*
*I would LMAO except that's literally impossible.
Anyway, one of the most popular terms that gets people to my blog is "why do moms dress so frumpy?" or a slight variation of that question.
If your kids need this shirt, you've probably come to the right place.
It seems that people just don't get why motherhood sometimes sucks the fashion sense right out of you. So for those of you brought here by curiosity about the unfortunate frumpitude of we motherly types, allow me to enlighten you.
Why are moms frumpy? Why, indeed?
Maybe it's because from the time our children are born, they incessantly divert money directly from our personal wardrobe funds. Especially when they get older and it's time for school clothes and they're outgrowing stuff and ripping new jeans and wearing holes in new shoes faster than we can say "are you effing kidding me?!"
Or perhaps it's because there's some unwritten law which states that every time we put on a nice shirt or a decent pair of slacks, someone spits or snots or wipes crumbs or sticky fingers all over us and we end up looking like a hot mess despite our efforts to put on nice clothing.
Maybe it's due to the fact that it is much, much easier to chase after a toddler in Nikes (or in my case, Walmart sneakers) than in Louboutins (or in my case, Payless heels).
It could possibly be because we are trying to oversee the feeding, dressing, readying and shuttling off to school of multiple dawdling, generally unhelpful children in the morning and barely even have time to put on a bra.
We may also attribute our frumpiness to the fact that we're a little out of the loop when it comes to the latest fashions, seeing as our TVs are always tuned to children's programming and the only magazines we have time to read consist of articles like, "Seven Smart Solutions for Solving Sibling Squabbles."
Maybe we're too exhausted to care if we look sexy and attractive all the time. Because after getting three hours of sleep due to a sick child (or a poor sleeper, or a kid in our beds kicking and elbowing us all night long) and then taking care of everyone's every need all day long and adhering to a schedule while chauffeuring people around like a taxi service and planning/executing/cleaning up from dinner and making sure the house doesn't look like a tornado went through it and that the laundry pile isn't becoming a hazard, the only thing we can think about at the end of the day is OMG MY BED.
And finally, when your post-baby belly looks like someone strapped bread dough to your midsection, and your metabolism has slowed to a crawl and those leftover chicken nuggets you scarfed down didn't burn off like they were supposed to, some of the trends just don't look all that cute.
So there you have it. Just a few of the reasons why we moms may not always resemble the smokin' hotties we were before being blessed with our bouncing bundles of joy. Yes - it's important not to let ourselves go, but when we do, at least we have a legit reason. I hope that answers your question.
But for those of you who came here by searching "I like to look at my own crotch" ... you're on your own.