So this morning I tried to whiten my teeth.

I mean - they're not yellow yellow. I don't walk around looking like I could butter a loaf of bread with my grill. But still, I'm a sucker for self-improvement. I can't whiten them to a Barbie-esque level because my two front teeth are fake and they don't substantially change color, but I can remove surface stai-

... What's that? You want to know why my two front teeth are fake?


Okay. When I was five or six, and had literally JUST gotten my permanent teeth, I ran face-first into a fence and shattered those bad boys. Like, shattered them. As in, I stumbled backwards and emitted a spray of powdered tooth from my busted-up mouth.

Yes. I RAN INTO A FENCE. My parents were so proud.

You can stop laughing now.

Anyway, back to the story at hand: the tooth whitening. I have this kit where you're supposed to paint your teeth with this whitening gel. But you're not supposed to get it on your gums. And you have to avoid touching it with your lips until it dries. (Which, hello, have you ever tried to dry anything inside your mouth?) But those are the instructions, and I want to make sure the stuff works. So I painted my teeth and held my lips awkwardly away from my teeth, and ended up looking like this:

I got a little of the gel on my gums on accident, and it started tingling. Then it started burning. No wonder they tell you not to get it on your gums, I thought. Ouch.

I decided that while the gel was drying, I should put my contacts in. So I did. Only I didn't realize that in addition to my gums, I had also accidentally gotten a little of the battery acid whitening gel on my fingers.

The same fingers I was using to put my contact lenses INTO MY EYES.

So now I was blinking crazily with tears streaming from my eyes (much like the time Curtis pepper-sprayed the entire family). Not only that, but holding my lips in such a weird manner was making me drool. So I was standing over the bathroom sink, dripping from practically every orifice in my face, looking like this:

Only with, you know, less grain and more tears. (But possibly the same amount of chin hair.)

I finally decided that I'll just go around with my normal-colored teeth. Because y'all? Sometimes white ain't worth it.

(Check back in tomorrow when I'll have a very special guest post featuring DIY deep-conditioning recipes for your hair - that don't hurt a bit!)


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