Lettuce Makes Me Sad

You know how much I enjoy watching what I eat?

About as much as I'd enjoy, say, getting a Brazilian wax. Or a root canal. Or an '80s perm. About as much as I'd like to babysit ten of my sons' most ill-behaved friends ... for free. About as much as brushing my teeth with gasoline and then accidentally lighting one of my boobs on fire.

You see, I'm the kind of girl who never met a carb she didn't gobble up with the ferocity of a starving street urchin like. Buffets are my kind of restaurants. I like dessert with every meal, can't get my sweet tea sweet enough, and firmly believe that there's nothing butter doesn't go with. If it's cheesy, greasy, or covered with gravy, I'm probably gonna like it.

Yep, I'm an eater. Okay, I admit it: an overeater. It's not that I don't like anything healthy - I love almost everything. It's that the lack of the unhealthy stuff makes me feel oddly ... empty. Like something is missing. I want ALL the food, not just the healthy things. When my Facebook friends boast about their Paleo or gluten-free or low-carb diets, I know I'm supposed to feel inspired, but all I can muster up is pity. I mean, they're missing out on fried food.

Plus, my natural attitude toward portion sizes is that if a little is good, a lot is better. One cookie is delicious, so give me eight! Nom nom nom!

My feelings about dieting can best be summed up by this cartoon:

Probably the sole reason I don't more closely resemble Jabba the Hut is that I teach Zumba three times a week, but the truth is, I'm still rocking about thirty extra pounds. Okay, probably more like forty. Ugh. These last ten or fifteen are due to the alluring siren song of holiday goodies, which I happily (stupidly?) gave in to.

So, like everybody else at this time of year - and because being shaped like a pear works much better for Kim Kardashian than it does for me - I've vowed to clean up my habits and re-evaluate my attitude toward food.

Say it with me: blaaaaaahhhh.

It's just a matter of whipping up the motivation to get started. I know I can do it; I've done it before. In fact, I lost over a hundred pounds once. Wanna hear the story (and see a fat pic to boot)?

Click here for "Before" which is where it all started, when I was almost 300 pounds.

Click here for "After" which is where it ended up (before I fell off the wagon *hides face*), and where I aspire to be again.

Click here for "The Tips" which is a compilation of my very best "lifestyle change" advice - all the things that worked for me before and will work again, for all of us, provided we can just kick ourselves in the ass and get started.

So today, I'm starting out by drinking only water from here on out (which is huge for me, because I hate water). I will of course attend all my Zumba classes (because I, like, teach them) and there's a new class starting up called WERQ that I'm going to try. (Because I like to incorporate as much booty-shaking into my daily life as I possibly can.)

From there, I will baby-step it into more healthy habits. My progress will snowball and before I know it, I'll have the bangin' bod of a twenty year old.

Okay, a twenty year old who's had multiple pregnancies and nursed four babies.

Okay, maybe a really decent-looking thirty year old.

I'm gonna look better than I do now, is my point. And, of course, be healthier (but let's be real: I mostly want to fit into smaller jeans).

Who's with me?!


  1. Rita,
    when the windchill reaches 23 below and there is snow EVERYWHERE and my truck slides out, and I'm ready to pawn my left leg to pay the bills, YOU're my go to. You make me laugh and so, save my life several times a week. How can I deny a request getting fit alongside you! Besides, who isn't saddened by lettuce?

    I've been reading your blog for MONTHS. First time commenter :)


  2. I completely agree with the other comment (dealing with cold, snow, and bills here too)! I don't have kids, but I love reading the blog and it makes me laugh so much. Thank you for being an inspiration and reminding us that life can be lighthearted too :)


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