The Candy Bowl

The Halloween candy is almost gone, thank goodness. I'm glad because a.) I've methodically picked out my favorites and now all that's left is the stuff I don't like, and b.) I'm sick to death of finding wrappers and stuff laying around.

Like yesterday when I went into the bathroom. I discovered, much to my chagrin, a sticky pink lump stuck to the floor beside the toilet. It was some kind of chewy candy - a Starburst or something - that someone had apparently decided they didn't like. (Why it was beside the toilet is beyond me, but you never know where you might find a nasty surprise in my house.) I figured since I was going to flush in a minute anyway, I may as well just toss it into the bowl. So I did that, then peed, flushed, and walked out of the bathroom, not looking back.

A bit later, Curtis went to pee and he was all, "Honey? Is this ... candy stuck to the inside of the toilet?"

I explained the situation, adding that I had thought it would go down when I flushed. Curtis shrugged and decided to try to dislodge it with a stream of pee. (Oh, to have the ability to aim!) But no such luck. "I'm sure it'll go down when I flush," he said with a shrug. So he flushed. And then like me, a few minutes earlier, he left without checking.

Fast-forward a few more minutes: we were getting ready to leave the house, so I told the kids to go pee first. Cameron went into the bathroom. I heard him peeing. There was a brief pause. And then he came out ....

... chewing.

I got a sick feeling. "Uh, Cameron? What's in your mouth?" I asked, not really wanting to know the answer.

"Candy," he said, opening his mouth to show me.

It was pink.

OMG. "Did you get that ... out of the toilet?"

He nodded. And then swallowed.

Oh yes he did.

The child ate candy that had been chewed up, spit onto the bathroom floor, tossed into the toilet, peed on not once, not twice, but three times by three different people, and marinated in toilet water for at least a half-hour.

Cameron eats paper. I'm used to that. But most paper isn't, you know, soaked in piss and festering with a bazillion raging germs.

If he doesn't outgrow this, no one is ever going to want to kiss him ...


  1. OMGosh, how do YOU even kiss him now!!!

  2. This was the highlight of my day, thanks! And it's a great reminder my kids are not the only weird ones out there :)

  3. this is, well, I gagged a little, lol. your life woman!

  4. Omg! I didnt know where this was going then I realized and literally said NOooO!

  5. ummm please tell me that you make me these stories up.

  6. please tell me you make this crap up. my first child is due in May, I better put my big girl pants on!

  7. AHHH! hahahahahaaaa! Thanks for this! I feel a little better about my boy who found the used tampon applicator in the garbage... and put it in his mouth. UUUUGH!

  8. ahahahahahahaaaaaa!!!!! Thanks *so* much for the laugh!

  9. Laughing so hard I'm crying!!!

  10. To be fair, urine is sterile as long as you don't have an infection.

    1. In all fairness.... That study did say that they don't know yet which bacteria are harmless and which are helpful, so there could still be a silver lining there somewhere.... And also, yuck.

  11. But the toilet is not.

  12. Studies have shown (restaurant) toilets are often cleaner than ice machines and soda machines! Mmm....

  13. Luckily for him, piss is sterile, unless you have an infection! :D

  14. This made me laugh out loud. Gotta love our boys! Now I'm gonna have to follow your blog! :-)

  15. Thank-you for making MY ENTIRE WEEK!

  16. Makes me feel better about shouting at my two not to lick their finger, stick it on a shopping cart/dried gum/bottom of shoe and then lick their finger again.

  17. So funny, tears rolling down my face!!!


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