Dear Boys: Perhaps You're Confused ...

Dear Boys:

We've gone over the importance of good toilet habits time and time again. (Remember the poem I wrote you, boys? Or the detailed tutorial?) And yet ... something's just not sinking in.*

*Unless you count the pee that's sinking in to the BATH MAT because somebody places no importance on aim.

Look. I don't want you to grow up to be disgusting men whose wives have to complain about their pee-pee problems. I want you to learn to do your business neatly. Frankly, I'm tired of cleaning up after you. There are FOUR of you, and you'll be in the house for roughly seventeen more years at a minimum. And the thought of scrubbing dried dribbles off the rim and the floor for seventeen-more-freaking-years is enough to make me start researching places to anonymously drop you off.

While I was trying to come up with ways to teach you proper toilet use that wouldn't get me arrested, thus eliminating my shock collar idea, I noticed something that might be misleading you. And I hope this will finally solve the problem.

You see, our toilet says "Mansfield."

When you break that down, it's two words: man's field. And because you're boys, there's just something about a field that makes you want to whip it out and go (you even attempt to pee outside at the park). But just because our toilet says Mansfield doesn't mean that particular area is where you pee, as lovely as it sounds.

Aim for the water.

While we're on the subject, our other toilet - the one your dad uses the most - says "Church."

It might be misleading him, too. Because it's not a place to meditate.

Now that we've gotten all this cleared up, I hope there are a lot fewer messes for me to contend with. (And in your dad's case, a lot less waiting around for my turn.)



  1. Hillarious. I have 2 boys and 2 girls. This post and your penis one were both so familiar. We have had to replace part of our flooring already and we have only been in the house 5 years. Whom ever decided wood floors were good in a bathroom with boys was just dumb. Previous owner did the floors and he had two girls. Looking forward to reading more of your posts!


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