They might be little now, but I'm keenly aware that soon enough, my dudes will be ... well, dudes. Big manly men. And an admirable - no, essential - quality in men is the ability to use a toilet without it looking like the bathroom of a seedy gas station when they leave. That means executing proper aim, wiping up any errant droplets, putting the seat down, and flushing.
It's my mission to shape my boys into the kind of men their wives will appreciate, so the toilet thing? That's big. Unfortunately, I can't post up in the bathroom every time one of them uses it (I'd be in there all day, y'all) and insist they follow the proper potty protocol. And although it seems simple, even for little guys - aimwipeseatflush - it's apparently a pretty hard process to remember every single time. Because as much as I'd like to think they're following the toilet rules, the crust around the base and dried drips down the sides and the occasional un-flushed turd (surprise!) tells me otherwise.
I spend too much of my life hunched in front of the boys' bowl, scouring its porcelain surface with whatever industrial-strength disinfectant I can get my hands on, wondering why I haven't yet invested in a HazMat suit.
Buy this stylish suit here for the low, low price of only $758.99!
So what do I do when I'm frustrated with something? I
Despite possession of a part
That you can aim, just like a dart,
Your crusty toilet tells the tale
Of an epic aiming fail.
'Cause your ability to aim
Is nothing short of really lame -
Unless your aim's to make Mom frown,
In which case, dude, you've got it down.
We girls don't have the luxury
Of seeing where we put our pee
Yet I know that if you were a daughter,
You'd always hit the toilet water.
You're male, and nature made it easy
For you to point the thing and pee, see?
So use that gift, and keep things neat;
Don't spray the rim, the floor, the seat.
It's not too much to ask of you
That you control your pee and poo
So next time your toilet goes crusty and unflushed,
I'm making you clean it yourself ...
... with your toothbrush.