Pillow Talk


My favorite time to talk to my husband - and let's face it, sometimes the only time I get to - is when we go to bed. Even when I'm not tired, I almost always go to bed when he does so that we can chat a little.*

*I'm not sure he actually likes this, but whatever.

We talk about anything that's on our minds, but mostly about how weird our kids are. Until he says, "Sweet dreams, my love," which is Husband for, "Shut up so I can go to sleep." That's my cue to lay there messing with my phone until I fall asleep and drop it on my face, or until I have to put it down to assault Curtis for snoring, whichever comes first.

Last night, though, I was really tired - so when we went to bed, I actually just laid there quietly and tried to sleep. It was working, but then?

I was cruelly wrenched from the embrace of slumber by a fart so heinous it nearly blew the covers off the bed.

"Curtis! Gross!"

Disgusted, I turned my back to him. Apparently that wasn't a good enough barrier because when the stench hit me I swear my nose hairs were singed. My eyeballs burned.

"What the -? Ohmygawd."

Curtis started laughing. "I know. Wow."

The conversation was over, at least I thought. But after a couple of minutes, Curtis said into the silence, "Do you want to know what I had for lunch?"

"Um ... yes?" I answered hesitantly.

"Testicles."

(... WTF?)

"You ate ... testicles?"

"Yes."

Apparently someone brought them to work. Goat and sheep testicles, with Cajun seasoning. And only a few people would even try them, but Curtis ate two (a whole sack, you might say). And they taste kind of like - gag - chicken livers.*

*PS, if you like chicken livers and other vile disgusting organ meats, I'm not sure we can still be friends.

Then I started laughing. "You do realize that means you had someone else's balls in your mouth today, right?"

"Not someone's," he protested. "Something's. There is a huge difference."

"Whatever."

Silence and sleepiness once again descended upon me. And once again, Curtis's voice broke through.

"You know what made me think of that?" he asked. "... That fart. It smelled like testicles."

I rolled my eyes. "Sweet dreams, my love."

5 comments:

  1. LOL......so different from the early-marriage, romantic-type conversations, right? Just shows you two have "graduated" to the stage where you can just be yourselves. Congratulations!

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  2. Ha! Oh to be in a long-lasting relationships, and all these little surprises. I love pillow talk, and this story cracked me up. ~ Catherine

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  3. BAhahaha! My husband has the most heinous farts you can imagine - and awesomely my daughter has inherited that from him. The stuff that comes out of her literally smells as bad as that from a grown man. I agree 100% pillow talk is much more about every day crap all the stuff we forgot to tell each other. I also get up when he gets up to leave so we get a few more minutes of uninterrupted conversation.

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  4. I just read this and OH MY GOD!!!! So, let me get this straight.... the testicles TASTED like his fart SMELLED!?!?!?!!?! And he chose to eat TWO????????? Ewwwwwwwww.........

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  5. I just found your blog, you're hysterical!

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