That Awkward Age


Think for a minute about the parties you went to when you were younger. I don't mean the ones where you played Pin the Tail on the Donkey and ate birthday cake; I mean the kind your parents would have disapproved of. The kind that involved alcohol and loud music and things people get arrested for doing.*

*Mom, if you're reading this, I'm just basing it off of ... you know, other's people's stories. I was too busy at the library to ever go to any of those parties. Yeah, that's it. The library.

Anyway, at those parties - and even the ones you went to later, like in your early twenties - there was always "that person." You know: the one who was a lot older than anybody else there but trying to fit in just the same. In the earlier years, this was the person who probably supplied the booze; in later years, when you were old enough (barely) to buy your own, this was the person who was just ... kind of pathetic. The person that was clearly trying to reenact his or her "glory days" by hanging out with a much younger crowd and trying - and failing - to be cool. And the older and more uncool they actually were, the harder they tried - like middle-aged hoochies in shorts they bought in the juniors' section, baring cottage-cheese thighs and crepe-paper cleavage. Or the skeezy older guys who hit on girls young enough to be their daughters. They may have thought they were hip and youthful, but in the minds of the kids they were hanging around, they merely served as a cautionary tale of what happens when you get old.

I swore I'd never turn into that person. But, like, I also swore I was going to be a perfect mother and we can all see how that turned out.

At the awkward age of almost thirty-four, I don't have much of a choice. If I want a social life that extends beyond children's birthdays and please-buy-this-overly-expensive-product-and-then-agree-against-your-better-judgment-to-book-your-own-party parties, I pretty much have two choices. One, go to a dance club feeling all hot and then walk through the doors and realize that everybody there is 21 and all their body parts are still firm and feel like an old piece of crap all night while watching them stumbling and grinding on each other and saying to their friends, "OMG, I'm sooooooo drunk right now." Or two, go to a sedate bar where everybody is quietly sipping martinis in dim lighting, looking like off-duty lawyers.

I don't like either of those choices. Because although I adore dancing, I'm of an age that automatically makes me "that person" at dance clubs. The old, overreaching one. And I appreciate a good martini and a relaxed ambience, but sometimes an oldster just wants to shake her (aging) ass to a good beat.

It's hard out there socially for us thirtysomethings, y'all. We don't exactly fit in when you plop us into the middle of a club full of people who were born when we were in, like, high school. Yet we're still young enough to sometimes want more than soft jazz music and an overpriced cocktail.

My friend Lindsey and I were talking about this the other day (she totally forgave me for the time I messed up her car, thank goodness) and she had a brilliant idea: someone needs to open up a club exclusively for people in their thirties. With a dance floor - devoid of perky twentysomethings - that plays at least the occasional '90s hit because seriously, who in this age group could resist getting down to, say, a little bit of Sir Mix-a-Lot?*

*If you just chanted, "I like big butts!" in your head, we could totally be BFFs.

The place would open at like seven in the evening so we have time to eat first - because when you're in your thirties you have learned that drinking on an empty stomach is a bad idea. It would close by one o'clock because hello, that's past our bedtime ... we still have obligations in the morning outside of sleeping off our liquor consumption. There would be awesome two-for-one drink specials since, in your thirties, you have real bills to pay like the mortgage ... or at least that arm-and-a-leg you forked over to the sitter for a night out. There would be a section to chill away from the dance floor when it gets too loud (because while "too loud" wasn't a thing in our twenties, it's a recipe for a headache these days). And an ibuprofen dispenser in the bathroom. And it would have a complimentary shuttle service: because by now we're mature enough to know that "whoever is the least drunk" is not a viable option when it comes to transportation.

I think it sounds like a fabulous, magical place. Who wants to open up the first location?

Hip-hop-hooraaaay! Ho! Heeeey! Ho!


12 comments:

  1. Dude, I am so there. Can it also have a guy with "the list" on a clipboard? I mean, we're ALL going to be on the list, it can be blank for all I care. I just wanna think I'm cool because my name's on the list. Maybe the club can be called The List?

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    1. YES. Amazing idea. Have you ever seen the movie "Knocked Up" where the pregnant girl and her sister are trying to get into the club? The bouncer says something like, "You're old, and you're pregnant." That would never happen at this thirtysomething club! :)

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  2. I would have loved that in my 30's - and even 40's! We usually ended up drinking and dancing at someone's house, where everyone fit in, nobody cared if you were stupidly drunk, and we were within walking (or staggering) distance of home. Ahhhh, the advantages of living in a small town!

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    1. I remember those get-togethers, Mom. Specifically how pissed off I used to get when I was sent to bed while all the adults were being loud in the living room. Ha!

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  3. I would love that kind of club. I can't take the clubs of today. They hurt my ears, and I want to cry if I have to pay over $5 for a drink.

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    1. Oh my gosh, I know. I hate paying for drinks too. Not only is it ridiculously expensive, it's a painful reminder that now that I'm in my thirties dudes aren't trying to buy me drinks any more. Ha!

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  4. Okay, I'm 40, but I would so love that club!! I agree with the cheap drinks, and maybe cheap snack food also (would love snack food that doesn't involve fish/animal shapes). Some 80s music would be fun also.

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    1. Cheap snack food is ALWAYS a good idea - and yes - no animal shapes allowed! :)

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  5. I would love it! That would be absolutely amazing. Heck, my hub and I (both 40) got tired of not fitting in anywhere and so we began camping on the weekends. We now have a permanent camp site there, complete with huge deck, grill, etc. booming sound system, and we have our own dang parties!! Woot woot! And Captain Morgan and Diet Coke are MUCH cheaper when I buy it and make it myself. Lol.

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  6. Yes, please, this, even if I'm past my 30s. This would be great!

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  7. Can we have karaoke there, and can we duet to "Shoop"? Then we can be best friends. :)

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  8. I just turned 31 and would've loved this even in my 20s! LOL never liked trying to 'fit in' to the clubs, especially in a big city where all the girls are plastic and look like they aren't very pleasant to talk to. LOL but I LOVE dancing like a maniac to 80s and 90s!!!!
    Maybe we can focus on it not being a club to go to be/look/act sexy - it would certainly be a rarity! The Anti-Sexy Party. The ASP.

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