Dear Boys: a Lesson in "Fart-iquette"

Dear Boys,

As a parent, it's my job to teach you the fundamentals of manners and self-control, so that you don't embarrass the piss out of me in public grow up to be fine, upstanding, respectful young men.

We've already talked about the ins and outs of groping your boy parts, so I think it's time to move on to another topic that you seem to need a bit of help with: flatulence. Or, as you like to refer to it (as loudly and as often as possible) - farts. This also goes for burps, and any other gaseous emission that you can muster up.

So here, Boys, are a few kindly reminders. Please refer to these often, as my words on the subject sometimes seem to go in one ear and out the ... undies.

- Believe it or not, it's possible to fart quietly. Make use of those butt muscles you've toned through countless hours of fending off your brother's attempted wedgies. A little clenching can go a long way in muffling even the most heinous anal acoustics.

- From the very first diaper-bound rumblings, I've said, "Excuse you!" in order to teach you the correct thing to say afterward. And yet, to this day, you still seem to think it's a gleeful announcement of, "I farted!" Just say "excuse me." Seriously. You're still calling attention to the fact that you farted, I'm not mortified by your lack of manners, we all win. Sort of.

- Just because you need to fart doesn't mean you should. There are times when you should just hold it in; I know you're capable. If you're in a confined space where the air won't immediately carry it away, do us all a favor and refrain. Forcing others to inhale your poop-scented air when they can't escape elevates you from merely rude to total jerk.

- Everybody loves a light breeze in their face - just not the kind that comes from your anus. Likewise, no one welcomes a blast from the ass while you're sitting on their lap. If you've got to fart, fine, but keep it in your own space.

(PS - you're not very sneaky, because when you run over "for a hug" with that devilish grin on your face, I know exactly what you're planning to do.)

- I don't care if it is your sibling: your response to someone else's gas-passing should ideally be silence, not "Your voice has changed, but your breath still smells the same!"

- Farting is not part of the Olympics. People are not winning millions of dollars in cash and prizes for farting (at least I hope they aren't). Do you know why? Because it's not a competition.  So when your brother farts, that doesn't mean you have to follow up with your own. Especially if you have to force it, which brings us to my last (and possibly most crucial) reminder ...

- One of these days, you're going to try too hard and crap your pants. And even I will laugh. And you'll never, ever, ever live it down. Just saying.

So in summary, Boys, bodily functions are normal and healthy, but there's a time and a place for the proper expulsion of your various gases - and a proper protocol to follow afterward. I just hope you learn this by the time you start to date.

... And then remember it when you're married.



  1. My boys think all farts are hilarious. I don't think it ever goes away, given how my husband reacts. ;)

  2. Sadly my girls need this lesson too. They think farts and burps are hilarious. And they ask me to hug them so they can fart on command. Sugar and spice my butt. I blame my husband, he thinks it's hilarious too.

  3. OMG - LOL "anal acoustics". And sadly, my eldest daughter has learned to fart on command as well, once taking it too far. Or, as we call it around here, the "shart".

  4. Jessica Armstrong LasaSeptember 17, 2014 at 4:18 PM

    Yup. My boy and I just had the conversation about holding in farts in a school/work. It feels so good to walk outside and let one rip. Just make sure no one is around because it might not be silent....

  5. LOL, even your baby announces, "Guys, I farted!" with a pleased look on his face (and the expectation of his brothers' admiration). Gotta love those boys!


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