Dear Boys: A Penis Primer




Dear Boys,

There are a few things I think you ought to know about the penis. You know, the dangly appendage that occupies your thoughts and/or your hands for a large percentage of the day? As a concerned mother, I feel it's my duty to enlighten you.

Now, never having been in possession of one myself, I can't be considered an outright expert ... but I'd like to think that my experience raising sons counts for something. After all, I've seen enough nakedness around this piece to rival any nude resort. And in that time, Boys, I've learned a few things about the male anatomy that I'd like to share - bullet-pointed for quick reference and easy memorization. *hint hint*

- Relax ... it isn't going anywhere. It will stay right there in your pants (provided you're wearing any), so you can stop clutching it while you watch TV and falling asleep with it in your fingers. In fact, it will be with you for the rest of your life, so maybe you should think about being a little less rough with it.

- One exception: having a firm grip on it is encouraged - and preferred - when using the toilet. It's floppy, and when you don't have it under control, you spray like a leaky hose.

- Keep it in your drawers, mmkay? (This is a piece of advice that will have a different, but equally significant, meaning during your teen years - so don't forget it.) There's really no need to lay it on your brother's arm. Or dip it in your chocolate milk. Or poke it through the hole of a DVD. Or wrap it around your eating utensils. Or your pencil. Or your brother's pencil.

- It might not hurt you when you stretch it out ten miles long like it's made of rubber, but it hurts me just looking at it, so stop.

- On rare occasions, you may actually let go of it in order to grasp something else. Like a sandwich, or your brother's face. In the event of such occasions, hand-washing before you touch anything else is the courteous (and sanitary) thing to do.

- It's not the end of the world when it's facing the wrong way or bunched up in your underwear. No need for a meltdown.

- It's handy and portable and all that, but just because you can pee anywhere doesn't mean you should.

- If you're gonna stretch/dangle/pull/twist/twiddle or otherwise manhandle (boy-handle?) it, please do so in your room and spare us all a little awkwardness. Please.

- I've seen it a million times, Boys, so there's no need to waggle it in my direction after your bath, nor make it dance and jump around by thrusting around like Elvis with a hula hoop. (This also goes for your dad, so pass that tidbit along.)


I'm hoping this letter will serve as a handy reference to the proper penile etiquette, and that you'll start having a little ding-dong dignity. You'll thank me later - or at least your wife will.

Lots of love,
Mommy

35 comments:

  1. Perfection. One of mine was standing naked in our living room this morning, holding his. Seriously, kid, just go get ready for school!

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  2. Anonymous13/6/14

    How does one wrap it around a pencil and stretch it? What part of the penis are you wrapping and stretching?

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    1. My boys aren't circumcised. There's plenty to stretch! :)

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    2. My boys aren't circumcised either! Weird things happen with foreskin! Haha!

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    3. Anonymous14/6/14

      Have u ever had problems with the foreskin with them not being cut?

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    4. Nope! Not a single one!

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    5. Anonymous14/6/14

      Thats great to hear u didnt have them cut, think its horrible to do it unless absolutely medically necessary and love your blog its always good for a laugh on how true it is

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    6. I think its a matter of personal opinion. There honestly has been shown to be no issue with or without circumcision. However I am in favor it, we know boys, especially tween/teen boys are not the most hygienic. Being circumcised can actually prohibit some nasty bacterial infections due to inefficient or non-existent washing. In the end its the parents choice. Religion based or hygeine based, don't let anyone tell you which way to sway.

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    7. Anonymous14/6/14

      Lol my circumcised boy does this.. with his penis. And then with his scrotum...

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    8. Anonymous14/6/14

      I do agree its persobal opinion, but why shouldnt it be the kids decision its his body- and there is loss of millions of nerves - equivilant to a certain lady part- if the boys are taught properly to clean its never an issue- anyway not gonna get in a debate, love your blog!!! keep on posting

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  3. Hilarious! Well done, as always!

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  4. Rofl, perfect. I have three boys of my own (one isn't old enough to have discovered his yet) and the older two (especially my naked, potty training two year old) are ALWAYS playing with it. I don't knee how many times a day " That is NOT a worry stone!" comes out of my mouth.

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  5. Please share with all man-children of the world.

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  6. Anonymous13/6/14

    I caught my son wrapping it around a fork. It is so embarrasing. My little nudist, I hope they grow out of this phase and gain some modesty. I am dreaming.

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  7. Anonymous13/6/14

    Thank you so much! As the mother of 3 young boys (twins age 6 and a 3 year old) I can relate to all of this and was laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes!

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  8. Love it! I have an 11 month old son and he just discovered his pens last week in the middle of me giving him a bath. He just stood up and grabbed it and continued to stand there looking around like everything was normal except he kept touching it! I was honestly surprised to see this happen already. My husband on the other hand thought it was hilarious...

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  9. Anonymous13/6/14

    Mine was convinced it had disappeared after we left the beach. He fretted so much. Then we stopped at a restaurant to eat and he had to use the bathroom. He joyously came out and announced to the reataurant that his penis had come back

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  10. You nailed it on the HEAD.......with so many boys in my house, I thought I'd seen it all. However, the part about the DVD, I've never knew about.....although, we do have to replace ours often......hmmmm.......

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  11. Anonymous13/6/14

    My husband taught our son how to make it do "the helicopter!"

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  12. Haha, yes, I have a son and he always seemed interested in his thing. I'm all, "Please put it away."

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  13. Having eleven grandsons has given me more penis viewings than I ever anticipated, but your four are definitely the most inventive with theirs! LOL Gotta love 'em!

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  14. You had me IN TEARS. We were just talking about this at dinner tonight (nothing is sacred at my house). The grabbing and stretching it makes me cringe to see. Ah penises...I never thought about sticking one through the hole in a DVD or wrapping it around a fork. Good stuff.

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  15. OMG Rita, I cannot. stop. laughing.

    Dipping it in milk? That may be my favorite.

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  16. Karen13/6/14

    I came across your blog last week, I think it was your "10 things boys of mother must do" post on Scary Mommy. I love it!! I can't even get work done for reading it, I think I'm addicted! I have no kids but I do have a brother who is 12 years younger than me, a sister who is 12 years younger and I babysat for lot of cousins growing up, so most of this is familiar! Keep up the great work and good luck!!

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  17. "- I've seen it a million times, Boys, so there's no need to waggle it in my direction after your bath, nor make it dance and jump around by thrusting around like Elvis with a hula hoop. (This also goes for your dad, so pass that tidbit along.)"

    So..... are you asking CURTIS to stop thrusting his around like Elvis with a Hula Hoop, or are you asking your KIDS to stop showing their dance off to him? Because that was a REALLY odd visual..... LOL

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  18. M Carver13/6/14

    awesome.. I'm in tears :)

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  19. Oh my this had this mom of 2 crying !

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  20. Anonymous14/6/14

    Omg that took me 15 minutes to read it...I was laughing so hard! My 7 yr old son thinks it is his best friend and is forever touching it. The bath time dance is so dead on!

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  21. YOU are an incredible mother with a great sense of humor who certainly has been blessed with the ability to deal with all things boys. Thanks for making my night.

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  22. I cannot help but laugh at this. I may have to let him read this one day to remind him lol Thank you for sharing.

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  23. Anonymous19/6/14

    too funny - laughing about it still. Don't know who is worse, the baby or the husband, neither can let go of their jewels!

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  24. I ding dong diggity

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  25. Almost peed my panties !!!

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  26. Anonymous20/6/14

    your fame has reached the isle of wight :) your posts make my day, thank you

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  27. Anonymous26/6/14

    So glad i found your page Rita :) As a mother of four little boys (aged 5, 4, 3 & 1) I can totally relate. I've been reading your blog for the last hour in the only 'quiet time' I'll have today before they wake & my laughing (to the point of crying!) is seriously not helping matters! Thank you, you've made my day! :)

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