Fifty Shades of Eff Off

I'm so tired of mainstream media thinking they know what it takes to make me horny.

I'm sorry to be so blunt. Really I am. But seriously, y'all: YUCK with the Magic Mike and the Fifty Shades of .... everything. (I mean - they now sell Fifty Shades of Grey "adult vibrating love rings" at Target. AT TARGET. WTF.)

Don't get me wrong. I'm definitely not some kind of prude, and I definitely do appreciate the male form. *insert lecherous eyebrow waggle for emphasis*


I find this kind of entertainment almost ... for lack of a better word ... insulting. It's like there's no substance to it. Like they just put together some hot dudes and some sex scenes and now they're laughing all the way to the bank because women are eating it up.

Things are done this way all the time, but it's usually geared toward men. Anybody seen the ads for the "Game of War" app? (If you play Trivia Crack, you feel me.) They feature Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Kate Upton.

Now. If you'll notice in the photo, she is bravely leading the charge into battle. Yet there's a little discrepancy here. All the dudes are in full head-to-toe armor and have shields. But poor warrior-princess Kate is only protected if, like, an arrow happens to bounce off her tiny metal (and ... feather?) shoulder pads. This doesn't matter, however, because in the live-action commercial she is riding this horse in slow-motion, and the point is not how awesome the game is; instead, the point becomes HOLY MOLY LOOK AT KATE UPTON'S SLOW-MOTION BOUNCING TITS.

Because this is what sells. You don't have to put any thought into it. I could title this blog post "SEXY SEXUAL SEX" and I guarantee the views would double - even if it led to a blank page instead of a brilliant commentary (let's pretend there's a brilliant commentary here, mmkay?). It takes so little effort.

But I expect more from the male characters in movies and books. Don't run down a laundry list of things you think women like just because we're women (i.e., hard bodies, rich dudes, dudes who cry). It's the way I feel about those chocolates with the "inspirational" messages inside the wrapper: yes, I'm female, but don't try to pander to my femininity. It irritates me and I will want to throat-chop you. And then burp in your face.

You wanna give me a male character who makes me go weak in the knees, media? Give me funny. Give me quick-witted. Give me intelligent. Give me hardworking. It doesn't have to be wrapped up in a Greek-god-like package of abs or ... well, package. 

... With the possible exception of David Bowie in Labyrinth.

But at least he was a mastermind.


  1. YES! There is so much to say about the whole 50 Shades business, but you've pretty much nailed it on the head.

  2. Amen, sister. Now excuse me while I go pop Labyrinth into the DVD player!

  3. Well said! Having come of age in the '70's, I'm certainly no prude either! However, 50 Shades of Anything just leaves me feeling disgusted.

  4. Exactly! Thank you for this post.

  5. Absolutely! Add to that how producers could find enough decent writing in the books to create a script for a film is not only beyond me but surely the real fiction. A chimp with a type writer could have done better.


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