A Pregnant Pause

Oh man oh man oh man oh man oh man. Somebody help me. Stat.

I have a problem and it needs fixing, like, yesterday.*

*Much like my husband, and by "fixing" I mean "a vasectomy."

You see, the problem is this: I miss being pregnant. And y'all? That leads to babies.

AND I DO NOT - I REPEAT, DO NOT - NEED ANY MORE BABIES.

No. Mo'. Babies.

I've had a lot of friends lately who are announcing the big news. And every time, I find myself with a soul-crushing wave twinge of jealousy. That's not good. Like ... I was pregnant less than eight months after I wrote this post about baby fever.

It's just that after spending five years in a struggle against infertility, not knowing whether I'd ever be pregnant at all, I can't help but be uber-excited when I see a positive pregnancy test. And now that I know that my body can have babies, it's getting difficult to accept that I'm coming to a point where I can't. Or, you know, shouldn't.

BECAUSE FOUR BOYS (one of whom needs braces and medication and one of whom needs glasses and one of whom is always breaking an arm or something) AND A MORTGAGE AND A MINIVAN PAYMENT, THAT'S WHY.

Anyway, I'm going to use this blog space to talk some sense into myself. And if you have anything to add, please chime in, because for the love of God ... I need a healthy dose of perspective.

I miss seeing my body change, and knowing it's because my baby is growing.
You can achieve the same changes with a few packs of Oreos. Oh, except for the bigger feet and the fat nose. Do you miss those, too?

I miss the flutters and kicks.
You mean the feeling of elbows, knees, and heels scraping against your internal organs? Or maybe the sharp jabs to the bladder. THAT CONTRIBUTES TO LEAKAGE. DO YOU WANT TO WEAR DEPENDS?

I miss stroking my pregnant belly.
Do you mean the pregnant belly that was so freakishly huge that people literally stopped in their tracks to stare at it? The pregnant belly that made you walk like a constipated penguin? The pregnant belly that made it impossible to tie your shoes or shave your pubes? Clearly you need a reminder:
Left photo credit: Kirsche222. Right photo credit: Someone who needed the camera ripped from his hands.

I miss keeping up with my baby's development month by month.
Uh, hello? They might not be fetuses any more but they're still developing and you still have to keep up with it! It's just that now you get to keep up with what "favorite" food they are now refusing to eat and how many baby teeth the Tooth Fairy still has to pay for and which version of Minecraft just came out.

There are so many cute maternity clothes.
Seriously? SERIOUSLY? There might be cute maternity clothes now that you don't require them, but need I remind you that every time you're actually pregnant, the only things that fit either have large bows or ridiculous prints or look like something that somebody's fat grandma would wear. The cute maternity stuff does not come in size "9-pound-baby."

I miss having big boobs.
...Okay. So I've got nothing.

Talk me down from the ledge, you guys. Or talk my husband into following up on that vasectomy consultation that he had TWO YEARS AGO.

I'm going to put my toddler on the toilet and try to convince him to poop while he inevitably plays around and then craps his pants later.

Maybe that'll do the trick.


16 comments:

  1. Sorry for encouraging youMarch 10, 2015 at 1:12 PM

    Idk, I gotta say I love your kids and I love pregnancy. I say go for it just ONE MORE TIME. :)

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  2. Tell the Mr. that the snippage only hurts for a couple of days, and if he has the procedure done on a Friday, he can spend the entire weekend sprawled on the sofa.

    (Note that this will not work as an incentive if he already spends the entire weekend sprawled on the sofa.)

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  3. I feel ya! The only thing I can add is, are you wanting your own basketball team? If so, go for it! If not, don't go for it! :)

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  4. Claire Ashley - FacebookMarch 10, 2015 at 1:52 PM

    I do miss the pregnancy but i cant do another one on my own. But if it helps at all with each pregnancy comes a greater possibility of twins. and since you feel your uterus has a beard. You may end up with one or 2 more boys. But on the flip side you might end up getting a girl. But who would really want to risk that one. Plus if you have another baby(ies) if its a girl, you have to buy all new clothes. Because after 4 boys you would want to go all out in pink baby girl outfits.

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  5. I wish you luck in making the right choice! I personally don't miss being pregnant (except for the flutters <3 ), but I do miss the anticipation, the excitement of getting to meet a new little one, what will he/she look like, will he/she have their daddy's eyes, etc. That was my favorite part of all of it. And then holding their sweet little body and looking into their eyes, such innocence and trust. The older mine get, the sadder I get knowing that I'll never have that again.

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  6. I cannot talk you off of the ledge because I feel the same way. I definitely have a belly that makes me look like I did when I was three months pregnant with each of my children, but I have not been pregnant since November 2010. I do miss having big boobs and the flutters, and watching the baby rolling around. I don't miss the stares on my size (I gained 33 pounds with my first, about 29 with my second), or the feet in my ribcage (my first born had a foot stuck in my rib cage when he was born via c-section), or the heartburn, but I miss the excitement of growing a human being inside me. Fortunately, I was wise enough to anticipate that two would be enough for me and had a tubal when I was on the operating table for my second c-section, but man there are times I wish it would fail. ;)

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  7. "I miss having big boobs.
    ...Okay. So I've got nothing."

    A boob job would cost way less than a baby. ;P

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  8. well, you know, if you like the whole pregnant thing,... but don't want more children... there are options..... ;)

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  9. I say go for it! I have five and wouldn't trade it for anything. You sound like you're ready. ;)

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  10. Once you have 4, 5 is not a big deal. I was the youngest of 5 and it was always loud and always crazy but I wouldn't have had it any other way. I say just go for it!

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  11. Ok, I'll try to talk you out of it. I am so done at 2, for a number of reasons. 1) Sleep is good. Pregnancy and a baby means not getting a good nights sleep for, like, 2 years. Do you like not sleeping? 2) Not every pregnancy/birth/etc goes well. I am all too aware of this. I worry about something happening to baby or happening to me. My existing children need me around. Having a baby is not without risk. 3) Babies are time intensive and exhausting. I would like to not plan my life around naptime. I would like to no longer have to be constantly vigilant because baby is always trying to kill himself by putting something in his mouth or trying to climb the stairs, etc. I would like to someday eat a hot meal. 4) Babies turn into 3 year olds. God help me. 5) You have to stop sometime! My husband got a vasectomy and said it wasn't bad at all. Feel free to have as many babies as you want, but you said to talk you out of it, so I tried. :)

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  12. RITA! Okay. 1. Set your alarm for 1am. Wake up, set mouse trap on your boob. After five minutes pour pee on your lap. Repeat every 2 - 4 hours. Rate enjoy-ability on scale from 1-10. Anything less than 10 and curtis goes to the snipper.

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    Replies
    1. +10 Prize for this reply! :-)

      Delete
  13. I just had my third and I'm getting my tubes tied. I have a one month old, a 1 1/2 year old and an almost 3 year old. I also have bald spots, boobs that sag to China and enough excess belly skin to blanket the entire Middle East...(okay, maybe I'm over exaggerating a bit). By 8 o'clock when my kids are in bed (and then my 3 year old comes out multiple times to make sure we're all okay, she needs a snack or she peed in her diaper) I'm wondering how I made it through the day without popping a Xanax. I do love those 3 little boogers though :) that being said...nope! Still gettin the tubes tied!

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  14. You are so funny. I am so broody too...
    I can totally identify with your last statement cos we are in the same boat! He doesn't poop in the potty!

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  15. I'm 39 weeks + 2 weeks pregnant and still at work. I can't wait to _not_ be pregnant....

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