Spring Break(down)

So here we are in the middle of spring break. I use the term "break" loosely because that would imply that life was somehow easier, or that we were on vacation or something. Ha. Hahahahahaha.

I guess there are a few things that are simplified while the kids are home with me twenty four hours a day for a solid week. I mean, I don't have to get all ragey at the asshole parents in the school parking lot. And the kids do sleep in ... until six-thirty. That's fifteen whole minutes of extra sleep! ... Yay?

What I do get to deal with instead is the Trifecta of Parental Irritation, brought on by an abundance of togetherness:

- Tattling ("He's making a mean face!" "He's hogging the computer!" "He's sticking his penis through the underwear hole and waving it at me!") 

- Whining ("I'm boooooooored." "I'm huuuuungryyyyy." "He's bothering meeeeeeee.")

- Pestering ("Can the kid down the street come over?" "Can I have another snack?" "Will you get us some Oreos even though they're not on your diet?")

This is in part why I a.) am crazy, and b.) am severely behind on, like, everything, and c.) have a hundred million gray hairs trying to jack up my Walmart dye job.

To make a long story short, I'd write a shiny new post, but like ... I have the dumb. Whoever coined the term spring "break" must have been talking about the cracks in my normally-intact sanity brought on by seven days of listening to four bickering children.

However: I do happen to be guest-posting over at sKIDmarks today (thanks to my fantasy BFF the hilarious Hannah Mayer for letting me crash her site). It's a heart-rending tale of self and sacrifice.

Just kidding, it's about poop.

Because I am nothing if not an expert on that topic, y'all.

Click →HERE← to read it. Go on, I'll wait.

If you're here for the first time from Hannah's blog - or just want to laugh at my unfortunate bumbling through motherhood and life in general - allow me to toss you some fun posts from the archives to start out with. (Also: don't judge me.) Such as ...

... the one where I washed my kid with hemmorhoid pads.

... the one where I was asked the definition of "whore."

... the one where we lied to save a few bucks.

... the one where my son drew me a questionable picture.

... the one where I got sprayed with feces.

... the one where I had a baby with a celebrity.

... the one where I taught my son a dirty word.

... the one where I found Jesus in my mailbox.

... the one where I found poop in a really disturbing place. (okay, ONE of the many)

... the one where my husband compared me to a gorilla.

... the one where I accidentally called my husband a fat-ass.

... the one where I wrote a poem about how my kids are wrecking my stuff.

... the one where I drew a cartoon about what it's like to work from home.

And finally, my most popular post ever. Like by a landslide.

Happy reading! Or at least ... happy shaking-your-head-and-being-glad-you're-not-me.


  1. Ha, you always crack me up. I was so ready for my kids to go back to school. I love them, but I need peace.


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