Put Away Your Princess Pity Party!

I have a ton of stuff to do today. A list that, if I wrote it all out, would probably be taller than my giant toddler. I wasn't even planning to write a blog post. But then, during my morning Facebook rounds (which is totally on my to-do list ... *cough*), I saw the video I've posted below. And I had to say something.

(Spoiler alert: it's a mom of six boys, finding out that her seventh baby is a girl. But I'm sure you know that already if you've been on social media at all today.)


It's a sweet video - the mom screams and falls out like she's won the lottery, and everybody seems thrilled. And I say, if they wanted a girl that badly, good for them!

But this video also makes me sad in a way that only parents of either all boys or all girls can understand. Because it helps perpetuate the thought that everybody and their dog seems to have: you MUST have children of both genders to feel fulfilled. "A GIRL IS FINALLY ON THE WAY!" and "SEVENTH TIME'S THE CHARM!" the accompanying headlines trumpet. Did I miss something? Were the first six times not charming? Was there a problem with the all-boy thing?

As you know, I have four boys. And as hard-to-fathom as it seems to be, I like it this way.

Do I complain about them? You bet your ass. In fact, if you've "liked" my Facebook page, you probably saw that I just posted a poem about how my sons pee all over their toilet, and I suspect this wouldn't happen if they were daughters. But when I gripe about stuff like that, I'm just being a mom - not a mom who is disappointed that I only have a houseful of dudes.

Some of the most heartbreaking moments I've experienced have been during my pregnancies - especially with Corbin, boy #4 - when people acted disappointed that I was having another child of the same gender. Like, literally looked visibly crestfallen. I got that reaction from friends. From family! I may as well have told them I had cancer, or that my dog just died. And it was always followed by a reassuring pat on the shoulder, and the inevitable: "Well, maybe next time you'll get your girl. You are going to try again, aren't you?"

No. We're not going to try again. And do you wanna know the biggest reason why?

It's because I don't want to risk having a girl at this point. I don't want anyone - let alone my four precious, amazing, wonderful boys - to think that we just kept trying because they weren't good enough. I hear that all the time, right in front of my sons ... that I must be somehow incomplete because I haven't birthed a child of the female variety. That people feel sorry for me. That I neeeeeeed a little girl. Why? Because my sons aren't good enough? How must it make them feel to hear that? Do they sense people's pity that I have all these "icky" boys and not a single princess in the house? Because it's palpable.

Don't pity me, people. Don't pity anyone with a houseful of boys (or girls!) and assume that they walk around with some kind of deep-down void.

I may have wrestling, jeans-ripping, furniture-destroying dudes, and a toilet that requires a hazmat suit to clean, but believe me when I say this: I love it. I love them. And I can assure you, nothing is missing.

... Except maybe people who understand that.

15 comments:

  1. I've had the exact same thoughts. I have 4 boys that I cherish. I have 4 boys because I wanted 4 kids not because we were trying for a girl. I had the same thought as you. If we were to have another child and if that child were a girl, everyone would think we just kept having babies until we got our girl.
    Then I would just have to have another baby to prove them wrong and 6 kids just seems past my limit.

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  2. Thank you for speaking out on this! I actually do have children of both genders (1 girl and 3 boys), but the idea that you have to have that to be fulfilled is ridiculous! Sometimes people truly say the most horrible things! When I just had one of each and became pregnant with my third child, a neighbor said to me, "But you already have one of each!" It was one of the most insensitive comments I had heard. Like I had no use for or not enough love for another child, regardless of gender; like it was somehow a waste to have another baby. And, I have had people say to me, in front of my kids, "Thank goodness you had ONE girl, at least!" Like my boys don't count or aren't as good. It's infuriating and just wrong on so many levels!

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  3. I happen to have one of each. I often get congratulations on that fact, as though I had any say in the matter. But, it is followed up with the (seemingly) inevitable "are you having more?". I am never sure if I will get a " you should stop while you're ahead" or "you should try for two of each".

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  5. Claire Ashley - FacebookApril 9, 2015 at 1:00 PM

    I get you Rita, I might only have a 4 year old and a baby boy. but when i found out i was pregnant. I was kind of scared if i would have had a girl. Because then i would have to get all new kinds of things for her. But I had another boy. Which means lots of hand me downs. Of course he still gets some new things but still. I wouldn't want it any other way other than my boys. I get ya completely.

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  6. I'm with you. Two boys here and I love it. I wish I could have more. If I had a girl she'd convert me and I'd adore her, too, I'm sure, but if I had another pregnancy I'd be hoping for a boy. Because I love it. A relative once told me with the saddest possible face (cancer level, as you say) that another relative was expecting a third girl. That face in reaction to a new baby, just because of her gender? No, no, no. Horrendous.

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  7. Great post. Girls are mean anyway. I also rant about it on my Facebook page.

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  8. I never understood that sentiment either. I always thought how shitty the older siblings must feel that the wanted sex was finally born. What a crappy feeling! 2 girls over here and my house is filled with the same chaos as yours. Only less because of less bodies. Lol. But almost to a tee. Minus poo incidents. Sorry girl. But I can't imagine someone saying "oh are you going to try again so you can finally have a boy". Ass hats.

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  9. I felt the same way when I was pregnant with #4. People kept asking if we were going for a girl. At that point another boy would have been easier. But it was a girl, and we were (just as) happy. To this day, and she's seven, people will see my three boys and say, "kept tryin til ya got a girl!" Then I feel defensive of the boys, like they were just failed attempts to get to the prize. USE YOUR HEADS PEOPLE! We just wanted four.

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  10. I felt the same way when I was pregnant with #4. People kept asking if we were going for a girl. At that point another boy would have been easier. But it was a girl, and we were (just as) happy. To this day, and she's seven, people will see my three boys and say, "kept tryin til ya got a girl!" Then I feel defensive of the boys, like they were just failed attempts to get to the prize. USE YOUR HEADS PEOPLE! We just wanted four.

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  11. I feel exactly the same way. I would get the comment all the time when I was pregnant with my third boy. "Trying for a girl, eh?" I would always answer, "No, trying for another baby." I was actually terrified that we would have a girl. Stick with what you know, right. I'm so happy with my stinky house full of boys!

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  12. AGREE!! As a mom of 2 boys, all we ever wanted was 2. We have 2 lovely children. People be crazy.

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  13. I have to admit that I am a mom of 3 delicious boys who I adore more than anything, but in my heart I absolutely desire a girl aswell, I think it probably stems from the close relationship I have with my own mom, and not having that with a daughter makes me feel a bit sad.

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  14. Proud Mamma of 2 loud, dirty, smelly boys here! When #2 was confirmed to have a tripod I was ecstatic, looked over at my husband and announced "I told you so" (he had been in doubt of my gender knowing abilities). But then EVERYONE seemed disappointed for us. "Oh, that's too bad. I was really hoping you'd get your girl. Are you going to try again?" I DIDN'T FAIL A TEST, PEOPLE! I didn't need a retake. We were HAPPY. If I'd had a girl, I'd have been HAPPY. I didn't care if I had all boys, all girls, or a combo. I wanted to have 2 babies, and I got them. I was ecstatic. And having 2 boys is a blessing. Watching them play and wrestle and be best buds is rewarding. I have nothing against girls, believe me. I LOVE my nieces fiercely. But I wouldn't trade my boys for a girl, or a princess. I'm not missing out. I'm living the life I was intended to live, and I love every messy, dirty second of it!!!

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