Dear Boys: a Lesson in Proper Peeing

Dear Boys,

I know that you're technically "potty trained," but let's be honest: to say you're trained would indicate that you are experienced - nay, proficient - at something. And even though you're not in diapers any more, there are still a few things you need to learn about the proper use of a toilet. So as a courtesy to you (and anyone who has to use the bathroom after you), I'm going to give you a little refresher course in the basics. For example, this obvious-yet-worth-mentioning cardinal rule ...

Aim. Seriously. See that area with all the water in it? That's called the toilet bowl and that's where you pee. You should preferably point at the hole at the bottom, but I'll be happy as long as you just hit the water. I know you have this fun little appendage that allows you to urinate in every direction (I'm actually kind of jealous), but that same flexibility is what makes it possible to put your pee-stream in a specific place. LIKE THE WATER. As such, there is literally no reason why I should ever find crusty yellow spots or dribbles on the seat or the edges or the floor or soaking into the edges of the bath mat.

But if such a thing happens ...

Clean it up. Ah! Such a simple solution! Just use your eyes: if you see yellow outside of the perimeter of the toilet bowl, dab it up with some T.P. and everybody will be happy. Of course, these types of accidents can be prevented if you ...

Do not pee in weird positions. There are two main ways to get the job done, boys: standing up or sitting down. Not backwards. Not planking across the toilet. Not positioning yourself three feet away and trying to arch. Not squatting on the seat like Gollum.

And while we're on the subject of the toilet seat? Let me give you another hint ...

It has more than one position. Namely, up or down. If you're sitting down, the seat should be down. If you're standing up, the seat should be up. And when you finish, take one second to put both the seat and the lid down as a favor to others (i.e., me,) - because a cold, clammy toilet rim to the bum is an experience that pretty much everyone prefers to avoid.

So you see, my dear sons, correct and courteous usage of the toilet takes a bit of extra effort - but it will prevent your bathroom from looking and smelling like a Port-a-Potty. And it keeps your mother, and eventually your future spouse, happy.

I know you can aim, because I've seen you hit a dandelion off the edge of the deck with sharpshooter-like precision (and so have the neighbors). So do me a solid and use those skills in the bathroom, because I'm tired of wearing a Hazmat suit when I clean it.



  1. I need this laminated and hung on the bathroom wall above the toilet. In giant letters. With audio that plays automatically when someone walks in the room. Sigh

  2. Yes, I hate cleaning toilets. And right now I only have ONE boy in the house. However, sometimes my daughter can get sloppy. Yuck.

  3. Planking!! HA!! Guffawed.

  4. I think this should be addressed to men, in general. I was a single mom to a potty-trained girl for a few years before I met my husband. I cleaned the toilet MAYBE once a week in those days, and all was fine. Since we've had a man in our lives, a week without a thorough cleaning means the toilet (and the floor around it) is clearly splattered with dried pee. Wipe it up! How is that so hard? The toilet paper is 3 inches from your hand!

  5. I'm glad you mentioned putting the LID down and not just the seat.

  6. I've been told by a fellow teacher that drawing a target (or other fun shape to aim at) in the bowl of the toilet helps...I'm interested to see if this works next year with my new bunch of little boys-the one's I've got now are hopeless.

  7. What's the deal with putting the lid down? Isn't that just as much extra work for you to put that up as it is to put the seat down? Also I personally prefer a cold toilet seat to a warm one. With a cold one you still know someone has sat on it, but with a warm one you know it was recent.

  8. Actually, we CAN urinate in every direction. There's this medical grade silicone device called a gogirl that allows us to aim our urine stream, so there's really no need to be jealous.

  9. Hi, sorry I know it’s an old post, but my 2nd son just learned to pee standing up; and I was wondering, did your boys ever, what mine call: “peepee same time” in the same toilet? I’m trying to get my two boys to stop doing it, but I’m wondering if I should just let them. My husband has no brothers, but said he used to do it with his best friend when they were 7 and they used to make an X and see who could finish peeing first. Am I maybe being a little less than fun?


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