No and no. I've just got a weird voice for the time being. And having a weird voice brings risks: like making you inadvertantly insult someone you love.
See, I accidentally called my husband a fat-ass. Accidentally!
It went down like this. We were both rummaging around in the closet for something to wear when I came across a sling. You know, the baby-wearing type? It's adorable, but I misjudged my size when I ordered it, and when I'd tried it on for the first time I could hardly squeeze my tub-o-lard self into it, let alone leave room for the baby. So into the closet it went.
"Wonder if I could wear my sling now?" I mused. After all, the too-tight incident was over 40 pounds ago.
"Wonder if I could wear it?" Curtis piped up. He was being silly; it's a very feminine print. (Although the Internet did once tell me that Curtis is gay, so you know ...)
"It would never fit you," I said. Meaning, of course, that if it didn't fit me, it most certainly wouldn't fit a six-foot-four dude. You know?
"Are you saying I'm too much of a fat-ass to wear it?" he teased.
"I don't think you are a fat-ass," I said - but my voice, which falters in and out, inaudibly whispered the "don't" part. Damn traitorous vocal cords! So it came out: "I think you are a fat-ass." Worse, I was turned toward the window at the time, so it's not like he saw my lips form the words or anything.
I may as well have thrown a bucket of ice water in Curtis's face; he looked as shocked as he could be. "Whaaaat?"
"I said I don't think you're a fat-ass. As in do not!" I insisted. "It's just that my voice didn't say the 'don't' part. I swear!"
He totally didn't believe me. He acted like I was all,
But seriously. I didn't call him that. Well okay, maybe I did, but not on purpose. I mean, come on: me calling someone fat is like Andy Dick calling someone obnoxious. Larry King calling someone old. Tiger Woods calling someone a cheater. This extra bulk around my midsection is not pockets stuffed with cash, folks.
Eventually I got him to believe me, so our marriage is no longer threatened by (perceived) emotional abuse.
... But that was a close one.