Accidental Fat-Assery

I may not be sick any more, but my voice still sounds like I am. It's half-whispery, warbles at weird times, you know what I mean: that "I'm-losing-my-voice" hoarseness. Sometimes I'll be talking and my unreliable voice will just skip a word or two - I'll say it, but nothing actually comes out. And like, on the phone lately, I've been asked a.) are you crying? and b.) are you trying to be quiet for some reason?

No and no. I've just got a weird voice for the time being. And having a weird voice brings risks: like making you inadvertantly insult someone you love.

See, I accidentally called my husband a fat-ass. Accidentally!

It went down like this. We were both rummaging around in the closet for something to wear when I came across a sling. You know, the baby-wearing type? It's adorable, but I misjudged my size when I ordered it, and when I'd tried it on for the first time I could hardly squeeze my tub-o-lard self into it, let alone leave room for the baby. So into the closet it went.

"Wonder if I could wear my sling now?" I mused. After all, the too-tight incident was over 40 pounds ago.

"Wonder if I could wear it?" Curtis piped up. He was being silly; it's a very feminine print. (Although the Internet did once tell me that Curtis is gay, so you know ...)

"It would never fit you," I said. Meaning, of course, that if it didn't fit me, it most certainly wouldn't fit a six-foot-four dude. You know?

"Are you saying I'm too much of a fat-ass to wear it?" he teased.

"I don't think you are a fat-ass," I said - but my voice, which falters in and out, inaudibly whispered the "don't" part. Damn traitorous vocal cords! So it came out: "I think you are a fat-ass." Worse, I was turned toward the window at the time, so it's not like he saw my lips form the words or anything.


I may as well have thrown a bucket of ice water in Curtis's face; he looked as shocked as he could be. "Whaaaat?"

"I said I don't think you're a fat-ass. As in do not!" I insisted. "It's just that my voice didn't say the 'don't' part. I swear!"

He totally didn't believe me. He acted like I was all,

or ...

But seriously. I didn't call him that. Well okay, maybe I did, but not on purpose. I mean, come on: me calling someone fat is like Andy Dick calling someone obnoxious. Larry King calling someone old. Tiger Woods calling someone a cheater. This extra bulk around my midsection is not pockets stuffed with cash, folks.

Eventually I got him to believe me, so our marriage is no longer threatened by (perceived) emotional abuse.

... But that was a close one. 




  1. Oh Rita, as usual, you make the coffee spurt from my nose.

    I had a miscommunication with my husband recently. I'm not so much into the cooking. We usually have dinner out or my husband will do the cooking when he's in the mood. And he is an excellent cook. The other day I was in the rare mood to cook. I pulled up a recipe off of a food blog. My printer wasn't working, so I emailed it to my husband's email, so I could print it off of his computer. He was at work at the time. I got distracted by something and forgot about it. A little while later I got an email from him saying, "Isn't enough that I do the cooking? Now, you're giving me the recipes for what you want me to cook? Now, that takes some balls."

    I laughed at that one all day.

    Have a great Saturday with your fat ass hubs. Glad you're feeling better.

  2. It's one of the perils of marriage, the misquote syndrome. It happens to us all the time. Glad to see you're back on track. Sounded like a close one.

  3. HILARIOUS! I laughed so hard!

  4. I totally need to use the word "tubby" today. I will find a place for it.
    There it my mirror.

    Mirrors are assholes.

  5. I loved those pictures! Absolutely hilarious!

  6. Ha! Oh, that was funny! Poor hubby! I'm so glad you were finally able to convince him!

    You're hilarious, by the way!!

  7. It least it wasn't him saying it to you. He never would have been forgiven.

  8. woah! that was a close one.

    maybe you can try drinking ginger tea for your throat. cut ginger into little pieces (a ginger the size of your thumb will do). boil ginger pieces in water. strain the ginger pieces. serve ginger tea while warm. best with lemon and honey (to sweeten)

  9. Well... *maybe* not out loud... heh heh. As usual, very funny birdseye view into an amazing marriage and what it takes to keep it floating - thank you for the grin this morning.

  10. So freakin''ll know he doesn't believe you if he starts exercising...

  11. Ha! I love it! You never fail to make me laugh!!

  12. Newest follower from Joann's Laundry Hurts My Feelings blog. I gotta say I love this post. I'm actually quite a bit bigger than my hubs but when he pisses me off I call him a fatty.

  13. Ouch! But funny. Mostly because men are so much more sensitive to these kind of things than they'd like us to know. Hubs once thought I called him "fat" and he got all wounded about it, and then later he tried to play it off like he was joking. Men.... :)

  14. So funny. Oopsie.

    I hope your voice improves. I'd hate to think what my children would accomplish if I wasn't able to speak properly.

  15. LOL, sometimes it's what you DON'T say that get you into trouble! Glad you convinced him otherwise!

  16. Hehe. I get sinus colds that knock my voice out, so I know EXACTLY what you mean. Hehe. But I've never called anyone a fat ass by accident. LMAO


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