The Nasty Plunge

Yeah, I care about my looks, but seriously? As soon as someone invents a surgery to implant a third or fourth eye and some additional hands, I'm the first in line. Because it would take extra appendages to prevent fiascos like the one I just experienced this morning. I'm still traumatized, y'all.

When you've got three kids - unless you have those aforementioned extra appendages - there's always somebody that manages to do something sneaky while your back is turned. In this case, it was Cameron.

The older boys were playing contentedly in our room, Colin arranging the kids' DVDs into one pile and the grownups' DVDs into another, and Cameron "helping" (hey, it kept them quiet). So I was in the kitchen on dish duty, with the baby on the floor beside me, chewing on a toy. It was - dare I say - peaceful.

Until Cameron ran into the kitchen ... naked ... carrying the plunger.

He held it upright and over his head, like a torch. And like the torch-bearer at the Olympics, he made a quick lap before retreating into the hallway. Don't get me wrong - I was actually tempted to just let him play with it because hello, quiet? But it was a plunger and good mommies don't let their toddlers play with plungers, so I dutifully followed him to retrieve it.

As I approached him, he dropped it. And something fell out of the rubber bell part onto the carpet. A big lump of something that looked like ... oh God please no ... oh nonononono.

Aw, hell. Poop.

The child had pooped in the plunger.

The plunger was poopy. Cameron's hands were poopy. Both the baby and the dog were headed for the clump on the carpet. For a few seconds, I just stood there frozen, like maybe the problem would resolve itself. But despite my silent pleas for divine intervention, it was all on me.

I ordered Cameron to freeze and not touch anything (which is about as effective as, well, telling a two-year-old not to touch anything). I swiftly removed the dog and baby from the vicinity. Then I scoured Cameron's hands. Then I cleaned up the carpet. Then I threw the plunger away. (What? I wasn't gonna clean it off. Yuck!)

As I was doing all this, I kept trying to imagine how on earth he could have positioned himself to take a dump in the plunger. I mean, little kids are undeniably flexible, but poop-in-a-plunger flexible?

I got my answer when I took a closer look at my bed.

At my bed, y'all.

My bed. Where Cameron had apparently pooped and then transferred the pile to the plunger. With his hands. And then ran around the house with it before dropping it onto the hallway carpet. My only consolation was that he had pulled back the comforter first (which doesn't fit into our washing machine) and had done his duty - er, doody - on the sheets.

... If you can call that a consolation.

Somebody saaaaaaave meeeeeeee!!!*



Comments

  1. Oh, those KIDS. This was awesome.

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  2. This is one of the best poop stories ever!

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  3. That was hilarious, I was literally laughing out loud! Nothing like a good poop story. And nakedness even! Well, the good thing is at least when something like that happens, you've got a GREAT blog idea. Hope you are recovering ok - thanks for the entertainment!! :)

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  4. Tears are streaming from my eyes I am laughing so hard...

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  5. Oh SHIT!!! LOL - sorry, couldn"t help it.

    My husband and I are laughing our butts off. You poor thing. Have a good weekend.

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  6. Best story I've read all week! Also the grossest!

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  7. Oh girl, you win. You so win. That beats my moron puppies tampon chewing, poop tromping, story by a mile.

    Sorry, but hilarious. And someday you will be able to laugh at this.

    I liked the part where your froze in horror, the best.

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  8. I have a friend who has girls and she doesn't have the kind of poop problems that you do. So I've decided that if I have boys I'm selling them immediately. Or at least, renting them out until they are fully potty trained.

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  9. Gagging in sympathy and sisterhood.

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  10. Oh for the love of all. I've got nothin to say here except...EWWWW! You win ALL the special points in heaven and on earth for having to deal with so many nasty poo traumas! I guess it's a good thing you can laugh about it. Or can you? I don't know. I might be in a loony bin. 'Cause poo equals EWWWWWW! On the upsdie, the imagery of his nakey buns running around with the plunger, pretty funny.

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  11. Oh my gosh you never seem to run out of those poop stories! So gross but so funny! You will look back on these posts in the future and laugh at them!! And use them as blackmail when they have girlfriends :-)

    I have my first giveaway right now if you want to come check it out!

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  12. I think you could write a poop story every single day and I would still laugh.

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  13. Hahahahahaha!

    /no one tells us, do they? We just have to figure it all out, one day at a time ...

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  14. wow! ..just wow. Um...if you could post a photo of him just so we know he's still alive..that'd put my mind at ease.

    Don't know how you stayed calm!

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  15. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand this has convinced me to NEVER HAVE CHILDREN.

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  16. Oh I'm so sorry for you! So far I have not had a similar scenario although lately my girl thinks it is cool to pee in her pants... while standing on the couch!!!

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  17. I have had a rotten afternoon. Rotten. You just made me lol! Thank you so much...sorry about your bed:)

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  18. OMG, you have to deal with far too much poop! At least you can tell yourself that this time next year the puppy and Cam will both be potty trained!

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  19. Cam will make his Uncle Steve proud! It is never a dull moment around your house. Don't you know with 3 boys and when it is quiet it means that something is up and maybe you should investigate, unless they are sleeping that is. Love you sis!

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  20. honestly, these kids must be prodigys (sp) or something, mine were never that imaginative!

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  21. I'm torn between laughing hysterically and crying for you. Writing this blog must keep you sane because I don't know what I would do in your situation.

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  22. I'm not a mom and have no desire whatsoever to be one, but goodness, it's great fun reading your posts. Your writing is wonderfully entertaining. And thanks for the follow on my blog. Much appreciate it.

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  23. I am new to your blog and this is the first post I have read and I feel for you and you at least have been able to find the good even in a realy frustrating situtation, can't wait to read more and know that other mother have cleaned poop from things, but filling a plunger with it he's at least creative. Bless you for keeping at it.

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  24. Just shopping for fresh blogs to read and found you on Laundry Hurts My Feelings. You are fun and entertaining. I'll be back!

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  25. LOVE your blog name! Love your blog!
    Have a pretty day!
    Kristin

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  26. OMG funniest thing I've read in a long time!! Rita you never cease to crack me up, you definitely have your hands full!

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  27. Oh this was is one of the best stories I have read in a long time! But so sorry you had to deal with that disaster!

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  28. Seriously dying! This is hilarious. I found your blog from your post that went viral yesterday and I am so glad I did. You are funny and real and a wonderful writer. I'm hooked. :)

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  29. Too funny! I know this comment is a few years late, but I have just found your blog and totally relate! I'm a mother of three boys and my middle dude once pooped in a chicken coop. He then decided it was a bad idea and proceeded to wipe the remaining poo off of himself, onto the side of our above ground pool. I was lucky it was outside and could hose him off lol. Keep it up, you're great and I appreciate that you keep it real.

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  30. How is this the first time I've seen this? 😂

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