Rise and Whine!


When you have a baby (or two or three), there are whole volumes devoted to what you can expect out of them. And they all warn you that a newborn isn't good for the ol' sleep patterns. But those books are so deceiving! They make you think that once your baby starts sleeping through the night, your blissfully uninterrupted pre-parenthood sleep returns. What they fail to mention is that once you become a mother, a sound night's sleep - and the indulgence of waking up on your own time, in a nice leisurely manner - are a thing of the past. Even if your kid is five, like my oldest.

It's bad enough that ever since my kids were born, I wake up at the slightest sound. I swear, if my neighbor farted it could rouse me from sleep. If anything remotely resembles a child's whine/whimper/about-to-throw-up noise, I'm up and out of the bed faster than you can say "psych!"*

*Yes, I'm aware that no one has actually said "psych" since probably the early nineties.

Gone are the days when I was gently stirred from slumber by the warm glow of morning sunlight on my face. Now I'm lucky if my kids don't wake before the sun. But it isn't just the kids any more: since he's started his day shift, my husband's alarm - which sounds like a damn banjo - wakes me at 5:15 every morning ... and then continues to wake me over and over as he presses snooze for an hour. It goes something like this: banjo riff, snooze. Banjo riff, snooze. Banjo riff, snooze. Banjo riff, snooze. Banjo riff, snooze.  Ad infinitum.

When he finally gets out of bed, I always cling to the hope that I can go back to sleep. And I usually do. But the opening of the garage door as Curtis goes to work almost always wakes Colin up, and inevitably - though he is five now and perfectly capable of entertaining himself for an hour or so - he comes in to talk to me. Here is an actual, real-life sample of the random ways that Colin alone has woken me (after the stupid banjo alarm does, of course) just this week:

"Mommy. ... Mommy. Guess what. I used to say neb-ee-lizer, but now I say nebulizer."

"Mommy. ... Mommy. I had a dream? About the headless horseman? But I didn't get scared because it was just a costume? That somebody knitted? And when I woke up? I was like, 'What? Was it just a costume?'"

"Mommy. ... Mommy. Are you awake? Good, because I'd like a bowl of cereal, please."

It goes on, and on. And if it isn't Colin, it's Coby. And if it isn't Colin or Coby, it's Cameron. And, on the off-chance that it actually isn't one of my kids who wakes me, it's the dog.

But you know something else the books don't tell you, possibly the cruelest thing of all? Once you become accustomed to being woken at the crack of dawn every day, you've got this weird internal alarm that wakes you even if you don't have your kids. It's like it's too quiet, and then you wake up feeling weird. It's why, on the (exceedingly) rare occasion that the boys spend the night with a family member, I never feel free to tie one on and then sleep it off the next morning. Because I can't, and I'll pay for it dearly with a hangover AND a lack of sleep.

Anyway, all this explains why it's eight o'clock in the morning and I've been up for nearly three hours already. This particular morning it was the banjo, but it could have been anything. One-sided conversations about nebulizers or headless horsemen, mysterious messes to clean up ... or just a silence loud enough to open my eyes.  



Comments

  1. Our kids actually entertain each other in the morning. Which is fabulous because it can occasionally mean a little extra sleep on the weekends. And the boys love their time to themselves. Once, when I came downstairs to check on them (being woken by that overwhelming silence that you mentioned), I was actually told to go back to bed, because they were playing. However, the mess they had made "playing" was a sure sign I had been right to get up when I did.

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  2. The strings would be cut on that banjo. No snooze alarms allowed at my house. I HATE them.

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  3. SERIOUSLY! I totally agree!!!

    I used to be able to sleep like a log. A train, truck, bomb or fireworks mere inches from my ear would not have woken me.

    NOW? My daughter made a slight noise like she was choking in her sleep and I sprung out of bed like I slept on a trampoline!!! How on EARTH does that happen???

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  4. Those one sided conversations always wake me up with my four year old and they're always soo ridiculous I have a hard time taking her seriously at that time *miffles laughter with pillow*.

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  5. Why set your alarm so early if you hit snooze for a hour? Just set it a hour later.

    LisaDay

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  6. I've read that you will actually feel more rested if you didn't keep hitting the snooze button; set it for the actual time you need to get up - tell Curtis that; it'll give you a few extra minutes of sleep! And the internal alarm - yeah even morning after staying up until 2 or 3 I'm still up at like 8 at the latest....grrrr!

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  7. Totally dude! Oh wait, I don't think anyone says dude anymore either.....

    I'm usually up before dawn to do my workout. But...on the days I don't workout early, I wake up at 5:30 anyway, out of habit. And the days I don't wake up early, my kids make sure I do!

    I even wear earplugs at night to drown out the hubster's snoring noises...but even then I can still hear the kids turn over in their beds. Must be our mommy sonar hearing!

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  8. What's up with hubbys getting snooze buttons and wake up calls?! My hubby's the same way, only he turns the alarm off. So then I can't go back to sleep until he gets up because I'm afraid he'll oversleep.
    It gets better as they get older, but even now my teen still comes into my room at 3 in the morning if she's had a bad dream. Scares the crap out of me to wake up and see her shadowy figure standing by the bed!

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  9. Wow, and I thought that I woke up to weird things.

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  10. I hate to be the bearer of bad news (okay, maybe I don't hate it so much) but sleeping doesn't get any easier as they get older. You'll still listen for sounds of gagging, coughing, sleep-walking, giggling, and all the other stuff moms don't want to hear in the night. Then when they get to their teen years, you're awake listening for them to come home or sneak out! Ah, the joys of parenthood! Still, I wouldn't change one thing about raising you and your siblings.....except maybe a few more hours of sleep!

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  11. My favorite is my four year old who will LITERALLY crawl over my husband -- with a pillow mind you -- get under the covers and then tap on MY SHOULDER at 3 in the morning. It's like he knows dad will probably put me back in bed, but mom won't bother. (doesn't help that I'm pregnant and can't really carry him back at this point, plus he would cry, which would wake his older sister, which would mean everyone is up.) I want to know HOW IN THE WORLD my husband doesn't feel a 35 pound object flop over him. It would scare the crap out of me!

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  12. Oh you are so right! 5 year olds talk about the oddest stuff..."mom, remember when I was 3 and had to take a bath the hard way?" Huh?
    And why must the stop napping? They should take naps until 3rd grade!

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  13. And I thought I was the only one who got jarred awake every a.m. by hubs annoying "banjo revelry" -- he too hits the snooze repeatedly and (from the sounds of his snoring) actually falls asleep, while I stare at the ceiling bracing myself for the next go round. Ugh!

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  14. Oh you are funny!! Just discovered you through Woah Mama ---- I can relate and I HATE It when my neighbour farts keep me up!!! hahahahahaha

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  15. I know what you mean about waking at the slightest sound! I have developed insane bat hearing! I can hear the kids rolling over in their beds at 3am and know which kid is rolling, and in which direction.

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  16. What are you out of town...I'm waiting for my frumpy funny. :)

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  17. bah! bogus! uninterrupted sleep is the way to go! i guess there are advantages to being single!

    i used to have a bf that was a bouncer in a bar. he would get home at about 3am. then come to bed around 4 or 5am. then want to talk. GOD! IT DROVE ME BONKERS. losing a couple hours of sleep every night makes a girl cranky!!!

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  18. oh lady, this is SO true! not only do i wake up super early and at the drop of the pin, but i have a hard time going to sleep because i know one of the kids is going to wake up at anytime... there's just no winning...

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  19. Sleep honestly is never the same and the sooner new moms realize that, the sooner they can face the future with steely resolve. I will never forget when I took my 1 month old son to the grocery store, and the checkout man was like, "You'll never sleep the same." Shivers went down my spine. Because that scared the crap out of me but I also darkly knew it was true.

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  20. I hate to tell you this but it never ends... my youngest will be 18 in September and I wake up everytime they come home late (or early as the case might be), walk past my bedroom, watch tv in their rooms, go to the kitchen...

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  21. Rita,
    You won the book giveaway from my review blog! (I sent you an e-mail)Just e-mail me your mailing address and I'll send it out!
    sarahviz (at) yahoo (dot) com

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  22. My son now lives 37 miles away and I still wake up when he... farts! Of course, so does the entire neighborhood - this was hysterical!

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