The Shameless Shoes

My husband Curtis is a bit of a diva, and he has a thing for expensive clothes. Problem is, we also have children - and everybody knows that if you're a parent, your personal wardrobe budget takes a nosedive so you can outfit your rugrats in stuff they'll outgrow/rip/stain (the little ingrates!). That's true for me, anyway; my closet has taken a major hit. Where you would once find upscale-quality clothes and the occasional designer label, I'm now rockin' clothes straight off the rack.

... The clearance rack.

... At Wal-Mart.


Anyway, over the weekend we were attempting to leave the house. As usual, I was lamenting about how I could possibly get myself and three children completely ready in the time it takes him to, like, comb his hair. Curtis was all, "I'm almost ready, I just have to get my shoes!" But when he went to get said shoes, he went ... into the garage?

His shoes were in the garage?

Yes. As a matter of fact, they were. They were in the trunk of our car. Still in the box. Which meant he had a.) purchased them without my knowledge, and b.) spent much MUCH more on them than I would have EVER been comfortable with. Sure, maybe I get a little snippy when he wants to buy these $120 shoes or whatever, but that's only because I'm walking around in a pair of flats that I bought from Payless for like six bucks ... last year.

Anyway, to make matters worse, his new kicks reminded me of black leather bowling shoes. Seeing the entire shoe doesn't really make them look that way, but picture just the tips sticking out beneath pant legs.

Seriously, y'all. I know they're supposed to be some sort of European-looking style or whatever, but they made me want to hit the nearest Bowl-O-Rama and knock over some pins.

So these shoes already had two strikes against them (hehe, no pun intended): their cost and their looks. And then we went to Target.

Curtis was pushing the cart, I was strolling alongside it. The store was crowded, being Memorial Day weekend, so we were passing a lot of people.

And then, right in the midst of those people, Curtis passed something else.

I froze in my tracks and swiveled my head around to stare at him in bug-eyed disbelief. I mean, my husband may not be the male Emily Post, but he's certainly got better manners than to let out an ear-splitting fart in public. I could already feel my cheeks burning as I heard a few poorly-disguised snickers from the people we'd just walked by.

"I cannot even believe you just did that," I hissed angrily. "Oh. My. GAWD."

"I didn't! It was my shoe!" Curtis protested, and to prove it, he did it again. Twice.

"YOUR SHOE IS MAKING THAT NOISE?" I asked loudly, to clarify to the surrounding people that my man is not actually some Jerry Springer-worthy neanderthal.

"Yes, it's my shoe," he said with a glint of pride in his eye and a smile spreading slowly across his face. He did it again. Fart fart.

... And again, dragging his sole more slowly this time. Frrrrrrrt.

Unfortunately, he was amused by his newfound discovery. In his eyes, it only made the shoes more awesome. We've all heard farty-sounding shoes, but these? Are the most realistically farty shoes I've ever encountered. People glanced horrified in our direction. Heads turned. Eyebrows raised. And knowing how embarrassed I was, Curtis took great pleasure in not only continuing the noises, but adding in effects to make them even more realistic: a not-so-subtle hip raise here, a straining expression there.

"Would you pick up your feet!" I huffed.

"What's that, my dear?" Grunt, fart.

I couldn't help but laugh. I was mortified, true, but I love me some toilet humor. No matter how hard I try to be a lady and resist, it always gets me. I'm powerless. Farts are just funny, man.

So I forgave him.

Johnston & Murphy leather Shuler Bicycle shoes: $125 (OMG!!)
Laughing all the way through Target: priceless. 


  1. I have a pair of squeaking shoes, hate them.

  2. Worse than farting shoes? Someone stepping on your flip flop while your foot is in it.

  3. I actually like the shoes...the noise...not so much!

  4. He sounds just like my husband's junior! Both in his humor and in his expensive taste!

  5. Man. I wish my husband was just making noises with his shoes in the stores.

    When he knows a fart is coming, he whispers "figure eights" and then walks around in large circles. Romance much?

  6. I'm still giggling uncontrollably with the imagery here.

    I don't know what it is, but you're absolutely right, farts are just always funny.

    Thanks for sharing this little gem and making my day complete.

  7. He totally owes you BIG TIME! For over $100? You could EASILY buy a few outfits - TJMAXX, baby!

  8. Wow, I have never spent that much on shoes!!! And neither has my husband. He better not get mad if you ever decide to get yourself a nice new wardrobe! :-)

  9. Birks do that until they get broken in. It always embarrasses me.

  10. That is too funny! My boys would KILL to get their hands on a set of farting shoes.

  11. Hmmmm....does he have a European handbag to go with them? JK.

    Farting noises are the best, especially the ones that don't stink!

  12. LOL! That is too funny. Those shoes are VERY European looking (believe me, I would know, I live in Europe). Dh would love them, but would never spend that much money on shoes. I, on the other hand, would have no problem dropping $125 on a pair of shoes. Though I would hope they didn't fart when I walked. ;)

  13. oh. my. gawd. i hope he got you new shoes, too...

  14. I have farting shoes now too, but no one ever believes me that it is my shoes.

    Awesomely funny post. I like to wear nice clothes too, but I teach first grade. Those two things do not really go together.

  15. I'd have cracked up too. Farts are hilarious.

    Most of my clothes come from Kohls during really good sales.

  16. those shoes have GOT TO GO!!! jesus! but before you get rid of them, be sure to do a video (complete w/audio) so we can all attest to their awesome capabilities!

  17. oh my gosh - I'm cracking up! I love your last 2 lines! $125!?! That's crazy! I'm a payless girl too and as for hubby, well, he has been buying the same pair of velcro tennis shoes from Walmart for the past 7 years. No champagne taste here, folks.

  18. Bwahahaha- I was grinning all the way through this post. Hilarious. Fart shoes ARE priceless.

  19. bowling and farting shoes in target, oh gotta love rednecks. LOL This made me so crack up!
    Happy to know I'm not the only one wearing last years payless flats and walmart fashions.

  20. oh my gosh! I was just laughing my head off!!! I could so just see that playing out and the joy he was getting out of it.....the hip raise! OMG THAT IS SO FUNNY! Thanks for the good laugh!

  21. That is huh-larious! Mike and Curtis are so similar in the shopping (and farting noise) departments. I've been looking for a new pair of tennis shoes for literally over a year, but can't find exactly what I want, and won't pay the $120. Last week, while we were out shopping for MY new tennis shoes, he spots a pair for himself for $85 within the first thirty seconds in the store. They were purchased one minute later. And I'm still looking for the perfect pair.
    Mike also can make a really good fart sound and he always does it right as we're getting off an elevator. Then he looks at me as though I actually did it! It's so embarrassing, but I can't help but fall out laughing every time.

  22. Now I'm laughing so hard and sending coffee out my nose - thanks a lot! Alpha Son is the Fart Meister. We all run after he's eaten spaghetti. He would love fart shoes, really! This was a hysterical post!


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