Minivanity


Dear Teenage Girl Who Scoffed Disdainfully at my Minivan:

Thanks for the scathingly judgmental look you cast at my ride while we were at a stoplight. "Like, I'll never drive a minivan," I'm sure you said, in your snottiest tone, to your friend in the driver's seat of your tiny little Mazda or whatever. And she was probably all, "I know, right?! Sooo lame." (Or, you know, whatever you kids say these days.)

Look. I get it. You're cute, and all your body parts are still where they're supposed to be without the assistance of underwire and copious amounts of Spandex. You know everything. The world is your oyster, and everybody over twenty-five is terminally uncool and just straight-up unworthy of occupying space in it. You drive a small, cute car because you have nothing to carry in it besides your backpack and giant purse and sometimes a drunk friend or two in the backseat because ohmygawd, you know what would be ah-maaaazing right now? TACO BELL. 

But what you forget, my dear, is that I didn't burst forth from the womb as a harried, minivan-driving mother of four. A mere *coughcough* years ago, I too was cute. Smug. Taut and un-cellulitey. Unhindered by children and driving a sporty little car devoid of boogers, baby wipes and stray Happy Meal toys. In short, I was ... you. Which means a decade or so from now, you will probably be me. 

By then you will have realized that your metabolism is not equipped to handle all that Taco Bell, and that your parents are not in fact "soooo stupid," and that, when you're carrying an infant seat and a diaper bag and four sacks of groceries and trying to keep a grip on an escape-artist toddler, a door that opens with one touch - i.e., a minivan - will be your best friend.

I'll be honest: it stings a little, getting an OMG you're such a loser look from a cooler-than-thou teenager. It's a reminder that I now spend my Friday nights at Walmart, shopping for gifts for the umpteen birthday parties I'll be toting the kids to over the weekend. Or drinking a glass of wine that I didn't even get carded to buy (boohoo!) and falling asleep on the couch at 9:30.

But someday ... some day ... karma will come around to haunt you. She can be cruel.

And watch out, because I'm pretty sure she drives a minivan.



Comments

  1. Yep, what goes around, comes around. Time will erase her snottiness and that fancy designer purse will be full of baby wipes and half-licked suckers. Hehehehe

    I remember your teenage years, but I don't think you were ever like that. (Or if you thought it, you had the good sense not to speak it!) And I'm sure you wouldn't trade that van full of little boys for her narrow teenage life anyway!

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  2. You know, The Wife refuses to get a minivan. My response is always: it's a car and I'll drive it because I don't care. That girl will get hers for sure. Karma's a fickle bitch like that.

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  3. Dammit, I just replied in a rare moment when my daughter had stopped her incessant babbling. And it erased. Darn technology. My daughter refuses to play by herself EVER. I was musing how I could scream and throw things without damaging her self esteem. It is only the morning and I am already freaking out(inside).
    My next door neighbor is a short-short wearing bleached blond, and although she has never given me attitude, she is a representative of all those tight bunned little brats, driving around eating taco bell in the middle of the night. I would have to wake my 13 year old son to inform him that "I just have a craving, y'know? Be right back." and lug 40 pounds of girl kid into the back of my beat up Subaru in order to get a Taco Bell Grande (or whatever it is they serve these days).

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  4. I have a beat-up old minivan that is the loudest vehicle on the road. I kinda drive it with pride. :)

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  5. Not only that, by that time your kids will be raised, or almost raised and you will be the one with your life and crap together and you can snicker at her as one of kids screams at her and the other one is busy eating the who-knows-how-old of who-knows-what food nugget he found in the backseat preparing for the spewing to begin in an hour or so, no matter where she may be with them at the time, from home to husband's company picnic .... all the while, you will be driving a really nice, clean, quiet car, and you will smile (I know).

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  6. A door that opens at the touch of a button does sound pretty good right about now. Now, if only I could afford a minivan!

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  7. Does it make me pathetic that even though I don't have kids I still want a minivan for transporting the 3 canines I have simply because it seems easier than my basic sedan? I think you're pretty much a bad ass minivan and all!

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  8. OMG! I can relate! I bought a minivan last Wednesday and as much as I like it I couldn't feel more uncool!

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  9. It's a revolving door. When my youngest went off to college I traded in the minivan for the 2-seater convertible I'd always dreamed of. Now I snicker at the little snippy teenagers driving mommy's car.

    I did my time, I earned sneering rights. Neener neener neeeeeeener!

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  10. I LOVE this post. I NEVER thought that I would be a "mini van mama" but I LOVE my mini van. It is so great for getting carseats into ( twins and a little one). No openning doors and either 1. HITTING them into the car next door or 2. realizing you are parked too close to sqeeze the sleeping babies in the carseat through the spot.
    OH WELL! I may not be cool now- but I have 3 healthy kids and an amazing marriage to a hottie hubby. ** They don't know it, but someday they will want what we have, (a happy little family) and then they too will own a mini van!

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  11. Kind of reminds me of that famous line in Fried Green Tomatoes where she goes "I don't care. I'm older and I have more insurance." when she gets into a fight over a parking space with a young teenager. The teenager steals the space and Evelyn crashes her car into the teenager's car to teach them a lesson!

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  12. Fabulous post. I'm always jealous of the people with minivans because they have more space.

    I drive a smaller car only because I can't drive the bigger ones very well. I misjudge distances.

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  13. Hi! I have just nominated you for the Versatile Blogger award! Awesome right? Just come on by my blog and "pick it up". Have a great day!
    -Kat

    http://mom-uncensored.blogspot.com/2012/07/versatile-blogger-award-yes.html

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  14. I LOVE your style ... both writing and when it comes to car shopping! ;o)

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  15. AWESOME!!!!! It's so freaking true. I hate getting the look from "kids" about my MOM car. Screw you! I need that space. :)

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  16. I was that girl just last year, saying that I would NEVER drive a minivan. Now that I have a 1-year-old and hopefully another on the way soon, I am about to go test drive some minivans. If they don't already think I'm old and out of touch, my high school students are going to think I'm REALLY cool now!

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