Mom-ventory

My house is inhabited by six people. Four of those are little boys who - for example - think nothing of wiping boogers in random places and emptying the entire contents of the junk drawer while looking for AA batteries. One is my husband, who is unfamiliar with the new-fangled concept called "a clothes hamper" and who has an uncanny ability to let an overflowing trash can go completely unnoticed. And one is yours truly, who tries valiantly to keep at least my own messes at bay, but let's face it - everybody gets a little lazy from time to time, am I right?

*cricket, cricket*

Ahem.

Houses with six people in them (plus two dogs, plus two cats) are not going to look like they were ripped from the pages of Better Homes & Gardens magazine, or Pinterest (remember the My-House-vs.-Pinterest comparison poem?). Unless you have a maid, which I do not, despite asking God and Santa and the universe in general for at least the past ten years now. Hmmph.

I might have random, unknown substances dripping down my kitchen walls ...

I'm not tasting it to see what it is, but one of my kids might.

... And orange Cheetos (Cheeto?) residue adorning my bathroom light switch ...

They'll definitely lick that off.

But despite the cluttered chaos that reigns 90% of the time, there's one thing that I - and from my experience, most moms - pride myself on: the ability to locate anything. No matter how long-buried or obscure. And it's a good damn thing, too, because nobody else in my household seems to know where anything is, ever. (These are children who will yell that they can't find their shoes when said shoes are literally three feet away from their lazy, non-looking eyes.)

Moms have an amazing mental inventory of every single item that has come through the doors of the house. Ever. This includes, but is not limited to, the contents of the refrigerator and freezer and storage boxes in the garage. I think it's a trait that has evolved out of necessity, to save lost-item meltdowns (and therefore preserve maternal sanity).

Kid wants to know where his Minecraft t-shirt is? Easy: check the bottom of the laundry basket (what? It's only been wrinkling in there for like three days). The Ninja Turtle figurine is missing his weapon? Last I saw, it was (inexplicably) riding in the bed of the remote control truck. Where's the remote control truck? It's under your brother's bed. That plastic disc launcher thing that came out of a Happy Meal like four years ago? That's in the closet, in the bin marked "Vehicles" even though it has nothing to do with vehicles whatsoever.

I know how many chicken breasts are in my freezer, how many rolls of toilet paper are under my sink, and where my husband's old Air Force uniform is. I can tell you that the high school yearbooks are in the third plastic tote in the stack against the wall of the garage, and that there's a bag of bottles, pacifiers, and breast pump parts stashed in the storage room under the stairs. (I'll never need them again, but I just can't bear to throw them away ... yet.)

It's an amazing Mom trick. Like the Five Things Moms Do Better than Ninjas. We just come naturally equipped with these skills. I can't remember how old I'm going to be on my next birthday (note to self: 34), but I know that there's a Transformers DVD under my TV stand and a supply of Halloween and Easter buckets on the top shelf of my closet. With extra Easter grass stored inside.

I may not put my cleaning supplies to the best - or most frequent - use ... but at least I know where they all are.

... Which is more than I can say for my husband.


6 comments:

  1. My family expects me to have this ability. I tend to deny knowing where anything is- it keeps them occupied- looking for their stuff. ;)

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  2. I can find most things at your house, but there are several unmatched socks in the laundry that frustrate me from time to time!

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  3. LOVE this. It's like you just poked into my hidden abilities that none of my single friends could ever appreciate. Or my husband for that matter.

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  4. This is so me! I can find anything in my organized chaos...most of the time!

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  5. Yep! I don't know when or how this ability creates itself but it does - and oo boy is it useful! I like to pull the 'I'll tell you where it is BUT you have to.... " lol

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  6. The best (worst) is when my husband texts me to ask me where his shorts are. He takes his shorts off in front of the couch when he gets home and they stay there all night until he puts them on again. So try picking up the things (blankets, pillows, newspaper, Lego, remote controls) that are on the floor NEAR the couch and see if your shorts are UNDER one of them...

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