Sorta-Sacrilegious Sunday

It's Sunday morning - at least it is in my little corner of the blogosphere. And as you guys know, I usually either a.) don't post on Sundays or b.) post "Stuff I Like" Sunday (the link is to one of my personal favorites). But today I was browsing through my old MySpace blog and found something totally perfect for a Sunday post (or totally inappropriate, depending on how you look at it). Don't you fear for my salvation - I love me some Jesus - but this was too funny. Hope you get as much of a kick out of it as I did.

Who needs miracles ... when you've got the powah of the prayer rug?

I got the most fantastic surprise in Saturday's mail. Among the sale flyers and pizza coupons was a letter simply addressed to "Resident." Usually such things get immediately acquainted with my trash can - but I'm so glad I opened this one, because within that envelope was a wealth of blog-able goodness.

The letter began, "Dear ... Someone Connected with This Address" (oh my Lord, that's me!) and dated "Sunday, January 2008." It was sent from a congregation in Tulsa, Oklahoma: Saint Matthew's 57-year-old Church. (They kept including the "57-year-old" part, as if this factoid lends some sort of credibility.) And in big blue letters, virtually shouting from the page, it said, "GOD'S HOLY BLESSING OF POWER IS IN THE ENCLOSED ANOINTED PRAYER RUG OF FAITH WE ARE LOANING YOU TO USE!"

My first thought was, "How the hell did they fit a rug into this little-ass envelope?" But then I discovered the "rug" in question. And here it is:

The big, purple, disembodied head of Christ (with a stunning patterned border!). Made out of paper, because paper is obviously the smartest choice of rug-making materials, y'all - it's totally stain proof  durable  soft and fluffy  easy to fold up into a tiny envelope.

Printed upon the back of said "rug" was the following message (and though I'd love to, I can't take credit for the Creative Capitalization - that's all them):

This St. Matthew 18:19 Bible Prayer Rug is Soaked with the Power of Prayer for you. Use it immediately, then please return it with your Prayer Needs Checked on our letter to you. It must be mailed to a second home that needs a blessing after you use it. Prayer works. Expect God's blessing.

The letter instructed me to kneel on the rug, or just spread it over my knees, within the next 24 hours and pray. Then I was to place the rug in a Bible on Philippians 4:19 ("But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus"), and the next day, mail it back to the church in the postage-paid envelope - along with a prayer request, or a "seed gift to God's work" - a.k.a. a fat donation.

To confirm the miraculous nature of this purple paper Savior, there was a page of testimonials. For example, one "Sister" (parishioner? Nun? Black woman?) used the prayer rug and was blessed with $46,000!

Alas, I did not take advantage of the divine blessings offered to me. My 24-hour window is up, so I guess I'll just have to live without the spiritual bounty that the rug could have bestowed.

I hope the Lord doesn't think any less of me.

SUPER-SPECIAL UPDATE: Last night I got the following in an e-mail from my brother (who is almost - almost - as awesome as me) ...

"OMG! (or should I say OMJ!) I just read your blog about the prayer rug. I got one in the mail TODAY!"

It's eerie, no? That my brother would receive a prayer rug on the very same day that I blogged about it? Uncanny! As proof, he sent me a picture:

Coincidence, or psychic phenomenon?

I think I'm going to hell.