Cleavage? Clever!


Boobs. Breastuses. Ta-tas. Whatever you prefer to call 'em, I've never thought too much of mine. Normally they're unimpressively small and have a space between them the size of Kenya (read: no cleavage. EVER. No matter how much duct tape I use  wadded socks I stuff  money I spend on magical push-up bras).

But there's nothing like pregnancy or breastfeeding to transform my mosquito bites into genuinely bodacious boobies (and to later leave them extra-saggy and raisin-like ... but I digress). These maternal mammaries are some of the few things I actually enjoy about my body, so you better believe that I take full advantage while I can, before they once again hang to my abdomen like oranges in tube socks. (Okay, so it's not quite that bad ... more like plums in ankle socks.)

I'm not busting out the fancy boob-enhancing lingerie or flaunting the girls in low-cut tops, though: it's the practical applications of cleavage that I most enjoy. If you've been reading me for a while, you'll probably remember this ...


(If you don't, go here to refresh your memory.)

It doesn't stop with butter, though. Boobs are the perfect medium for hiding things, carrying precious cargo, or serving as an extra hand (baby in one arm, box of wipes in the other? Just tuck a diaper into the cleavage, and voila!).

And today, I was once again reminded of just how functional they can be. Colin, in the midst of a hissy fit, threw one of his "stinky stinky balls" (again, if you're wondering what I'm talking about, check here). It landed on the kitchen counter, dangerously close to something breakable - so like any iron-fisted dictator mother would, I confiscated it. And where did it go? Between my boobs, natch. It fit so perfectly that Colin didn't even see it, and stormed angrily throughout the house looking in drawers and cabinets. Hahahahaha.

So you see? If you're lucky enough to have cleavage, boobs are good for more than just nicely filling out the front of a blouse. Change purse. Juice box holder. Lipstick tote. Butter warmer. Tissue dispenser (think about it! You'd never be stuck in a public restroom without toilet paper again!). The possibilities, my friends, are nearly infinite.

I sure will miss mine when they're gone. If anybody wants to contribute to a boob job fund, let me know and I'll post a donation box in the sidebar. :)







(By the way: there were sooooo many pervy titles I could have come up with for this blog. Boobs + balls? The possibilities are endless. But I decided to keep it tame. You're welcome.)

62 comments:

  1. This is hands down the

    BEST POST EVER.

    Boobs.

    Heh.

    No no. Seriously.

    Heh.

    Boobs

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  2. All this time I've been missing out on the practicality of these things!

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  3. I too enjoy my baby boobs. But I'm done having babies (God willing- and He better be willing!). So sad, I miss those things.

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  4. LMAO your blogs are soooooo funny - I love this one! Sometimes I wish I didn't get my breast reduction though b/c now I don't have any cleavage *tear*. I've stored lots of stuff in mine - it's so handy! I'll have to tell you my funniest thing that happened with them (although you probably already know)!

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  5. "plums in ankle socks" hahahaha :)

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  6. Boobs are SO handy. My husbands flipped one time when he thought I had left my iPhone at home when we went hiking. His eyes about popped out of his head when I pulled it out of my bra! I think he's just jealous. lol

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  7. ewwwwww...you held stinky balls between your boobies. gross.

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  8. I mostly keep crumbs in mine. I should eat fewer cookies

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  9. Boobs also make your stomach look flatter. Look at yourself in the mirror and imagine what would be sticking out if it weren't for boobs! Eeeewww! ;o)

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  10. I've used them to hold my cell phone when at a movie and have to have it on vibrate in case the sitter calls :)

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  11. I have had an over abundance of such area of my body, and for the most part, it will just get in the way, although, there are certain outfits that are nicely enhanced by it.

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  12. I often head to the computer in the morning and think, "Wonder what she could possibly think to blog on today that is as wild as she's done in the past." Thank you for never disappointing me - you make my mornings (smile)! I'm still chuckling over the boobs and butter.

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  13. Hmmm...I wonder if this will be the topic of conversation at my in-laws' next family dinner? :)

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  14. ahhah! oh luscious boobs. they are such a treat. and so useful!

    i've recently shed a few pounds, and it seems that the boobs and butt are getting a weee bit smaller. i wish i could CHOOSE where the weight shrinks from -- preferably the gut and the thighs, por favor!

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  15. I just found your blog and wanted to wish you a huge good luck! I started a life style change this fall and I've lost 38 pounds so far! I haven't done any diets, I've just started exercising. Introducing that into my life has drastically curbed my diet. :) Check out the Couch to 5k program if your into running at all.. its awesome!

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  16. Meh... though I see your point, I think its like anything you don't have. You want it until you have it. Me? I've been over-blessed in the boobage department - I'd rather not, thanks. Perhaps we could split the difference and both be happy?

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  17. I am the same way! I wish I could be pregnant or nursing forever, sort of, just so I could keep the boobs! (and I had to Google Pants on the Ground, I don't watch AI either!)

    I included you in the Sunday Funnies: http://tinyurl.com/y9mwgjb

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  18. Having spent most of my life as a small-chested girl, I was looking forward to the bigger boobs that supposedly came with pregnancy and breastfeeding. Imagine my horror when I went to get fitted for a nursing bra a few weeks after my son was born and was told that I needed a 32DDDD. I dropped an F-bomb in my surprise, much to the shock of the prim and proper saleswoman. It's really hard to find a bra that size, but it's nice to know that it's apparently the measurements for the perfect female avatar.

    I just found your blog today, thanks for the laugh.

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  19. Boobs as butter warmer = Genius!

    And my husband thinks this blogging stuff is a waste of time. Pffft.

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  20. Now this I can relate too... although, there were no pregnancies involved - just vavoom big boobs. My old party trick was to stick a beer between them and bend backwards to drink it. Also, peeling the labels and placing them over my nipples to amuse friends. Oh... I'm mature alright!

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  21. Your maniacal laughter after your son stomps furiously through the house reaffirms my suspicion of your AWESOME motherhoodness. Good job.

    I usually hide money in my cleavage, but then when I pull it out at the grocery store and the guy at the checkout gets that "wtf?...awesome" look on his face, I feel self conscious. Also, when I'm waiting for an important call, I put the phone in my cleavage. Never miss a call that way.

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  22. Heehee...plums in ankle socks. I love it. I use mine to tuck my Blackberry in when I have to leave my desk and I'm expecting a call and don't have any pockets. Although someone once commented, "Um...your boob is blinking."

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  23. i never thought to use them as a butter warmer. that's genius. also. notice i used the word "them". it's because i'm afraid to type out the word boobies. ack!

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  24. you are super super funny and a really talented writer. and i have one child and super sad boobs (.)(.)

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  25. I use them as hand warmers around the house. When my fingers get cold, I just cross my arms, put my hands under my bra and grab on.

    Toasty!

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  26. LMBO!!! How genius! Please tell your husband I think your on to something and ask him if the butter tasted better after you wamed it ;)

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  27. Mommy's Muscles, or Chesticles. That's what we call 'em. Mine had a hard day, today. We had our first appointment with the boob squoosher machine (mammogram). But it didn't hurt. Still, I felt like I should have gotten a sticker.

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  28. Very clever! But now I'm off to read about his "stinky, stinky, balls"...that got me wondering for sure! Ha!

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  29. That's awesome, and I feel your pain. I'll be stopping breastfeeding soon. Which means bye-bye ta-tas.

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  30. Oh this was a great laugh. Maybe you can have a great laugh here (on the same topic - sort of): http://juggelingactoflife.blogspot.com/2009/04/incredible-case-of-vanishing-boobies.html

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  31. I never thought of using mine for that kind of thing. Guess that would make them more useful.

    Congrats on your SITS day!

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  32. Now I have more links to read! But in the meantime, I will share another use - cell phone holder. One of my dear friends is quite well endowed, and uses her cleavage to store her cell phone. Kind of hilarious. :)

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  33. Misquito bites. That's brilliant. I, too, am boobless but I love it. Sadly, with nursing, one side has actually shrunk and the other side is likely normal, which is large for me. I have a lovely lean when I walk.

    Happy SITS day.

    LisaDay

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  34. Funny...but I'll never look at oranges and plums the same way again! LOL

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  35. We were all very emotional the day of my brother's wedding and we (my mom, me, the bride, the bride's aunt) were all crying at the drop of a hat. I was a bridesmaid and my dress had no pockets and I had no purse. But I needed tissues. So I shoved them into my cleavage. It was pretty entertaining for everyone to watch me pull tissues out of my cleavage all day. But by the end of the day we all had tissues down our dresses. It was a really convenient hiding spot.

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  36. Thank you so much. I have never thought of my boobs as extra storage. You bet I will now! Its like a built-in glove compartment.

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  37. Butter warmer...never thought of that. I have big boobs, always have. Even had them reduced when I was 21, but they just keep growing. Enjoy the small ones, you can always dress em up.

    Happy SITS

    Popping by from SITS. Be back soon!

    Alex aka Ma, What's For Dinner?
    www.MaWhats4Dinner.com

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  38. Yeah, I'm quite fond of mine as well. I call it my "secret stash" pocket. It freaks out my kids now, but when they were little, I would just put their bottles there to keep the milk at "mom" temperature. Especially when I was expressing milk for use in bottles. It worked out fabulously. And this is the best breast post I've evah read.

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  39. And if you're menopausal, a small baggy of ice. I'm just sayin'.

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  40. Happy SITS day!

    I have no cleavage so cannot relate. But how I wish I could. When I was pregnant I eagerly awaited some. But not even then. I did get a bit bigger when nursing, but not much. And then I learned that even itty bitty titties can sag. Sigh. Now I am waiting for menopause because according to my mom, I may get at least a bit more busting out come then.

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  41. Stop, please stop. My sides are splitting open. I can't breathe! I can just picture the tissue dispenser.

    Here's my boob story: I'm a small girl with an okay sized bust, (C cup), on a usual day. But, I have some hormonal issues. My wacky pituitary gland overloads me in estrogen. It only affects me in certain ways, like my inability to catch a ball. I just cover my head with my hands and that's the extent of my athletic prowess.

    When I became pregnant with my first girl, (3 girls by the way), my doctor warned me that when my milk came in I would become "actively engorged" much more than the usual breastfeeder.

    He should have just told me I was going to end up looking like one of those stripper freaks on Jerry Springer.

    It was ungodly. The were the size of large balloons and so painful.

    My husband was impressed in a horrified kind of way. I had to show somebody, so when my sister-in-law came over that night, I flashed her.

    She screamed.

    Breastfeeding took on a whole other meaning. Luckily, they eventually calmed down and 3 times over, I DO have tube socks for boobs. If you get any money on that funding, if you have any extra, I'm here with my sad tube sock boobies.

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  42. That is hysterical, love the butter warmer idea, I may steal that one.

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  43. I keep my phone there. I keep meaning to stop. I know it isn't very classy. I need to be more classy for sure : )

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  44. When I was in my twenties, after only two girls, Water bras were my BFF's had one in every color. Now, no help for me without a few thousand dollars worth of surgery. Is it too gross to say I could hide stuff under mine now? ok, i won't then.

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  45. Hadn't thought about using them to soften butter! I have been known to use mine to hold my wine glass while at the computer (red wine, of course, don't want to warm up the white and the glasses are bigger :)

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  46. I am 28 (almost 29) and I've been wait since, oohhhhh, GRADE 4 for my breasts to appear. As if I hadn't mourned enough now you go and tell me about useful functionality. I have a whole new aspect of being boobless to grieve now. Oh dear...

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  47. Breasts --- Forever fashionable. Little ones, big ones, and in between ones.

    Yes they can be quite functional too.

    Of course I was the mortified child that had a mother who used her DD breasts as storage space.

    Really not cool if you do not reach down your shirt at the grocers to pull out sweaty money.

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  48. OMG - you are hysterical! My husband once frisked a woman who hid a gun under her ginormous boobs (he's a cop). Amazing what you can shove up in there - lol!

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  49. Now that my boobs are done being working girls, I would really like to see them enjoy their retirement . . . with like, you know, a breast lift or something. They deserve it! :)

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  50. *ROFL* mine often holds my mp3. Tucks right in. Cracks my husband up to no end.

    love your posts.

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  51. Ah, yes...Cleavage. I think I could hide a small child in mine.....

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  52. ROTFLMAO. I have clevage and never thought of it as being "useful".... thanks... I needed the smiles!

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  53. OMG! Funniest post ever! My girls are now in retirement...and are winning the Award for Saggiest Boobies Ever. Bye bye cleavage! LOL!

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  54. visiting from SITS.

    omg, this is hilarious! my son makes mine his "pillows"

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  55. You are too funny! I have got to find out what Stinky stinky balls are though!

    Happy SITS Day!

    Cheers :-)
    - CoconutPalmDesigns

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  56. ok, i LOVE you for this post. and i don't even know you. that's the beauty of this blogosphere, isn't it? and this, my friend, is one of the reasons why i'm looking forward to having babies one day. boobs!

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  57. spectacular!!!! this is so resourceful.

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  58. Hee hee ... thanks for this. Glad I'm not the only one with multi-purpose ta-tas (I was, in fact, wondering). My girls often double as a cell phone holder. :)

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  59. My grandmother-in-law always kept her cash there. You should have seen the store clerks' faces when you pulled out wade of money.

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  60. Boobs are wonderful things. I was always barely a B until about three years ago when suddenly I bloomed into a C. Oh. Happy. Day. I felt sexy. I looked hawt. I was annoying. "Have you seen my new breasts?" became my mantra. Friends who'd had good sized breasts for most of their lives didn't get my elation. But it doesn't matter. The Girls and I are very happy together.

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