A Tale of Pale

In case you couldn't tell, I'm white. And I mean that in two ways: I'm Caucasian, and I'm also white as in ... white. Pasty. Pale. A woman of non-color.

Here, let me show you. This picture was taken in Cancun: it's me and my friend Lisa (I wouldn't have cropped her out, but her boob is kind of showing and she would really kick my ass for that). Lisa is just as Caucasian as me - she's a blue-eyed brunette - but she's obviously not nearly as white:


I wish there were some cute little slogan to say about my skin color. Black people can say catchy things like, "The blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice." I could say, "The whiter the skin, the more apt you are to hurt people's eyes" - but somehow, I doubt it would ever catch on.

On some people, pale is pretty:


But as I was looking at my legs out in the bright sunlight the other day, I could no longer delude myself. I'm no Nicole Kidman, y'all. She can make pale look good; I make it look all veiny and cellulite-y and weird.

So I bought myself a tan-in-a-can.

I took great care before using it. Showered, exfoliated, stood on a towel so I wouldn't get it all over the floor. I sprayed the mist all over myself in what I thought were even strokes. It was a really fine mist so I wasn't sure exactly where it was landing, but I felt, you know, moist. So I figured it was hitting me somewhere.

And I was right. It was collecting on the tops of my feet and every movable joint, turning them an extra-toasty tan. Now I no longer have to shield my eyes and squint when I look down at the sunlight glaring off my legs, but I also have orange knees and ankles.

Oh well. I guess it's a trade-off. Now I won't accidentally blind anyone.




Comments

  1. I think you are beautiful, white skin and all ;)

    ReplyDelete
  2. LOL...where are the after pictures?! I'm pretty white too, but I'm scared to try all the "self-tanners" for just that reason! They are supposed to be a lot better than they used to be...but, maybe not. It's been over 100 degrees here, so it's too hot to try to tan the old fashioned way! But just think, the older we get, the younger we'll look compared to our tan friends ;)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Right now I am tan because Peanut has become a fish and we have a community pool across the street from our house. I normally am paller than pale, porcelin doll white. At least since I had the peanut 4.5 years ago. The thing with the self tanners is that the paller yur are the better it is to used the gradual lotion tanners and make sure you lotion your joints and feet first so they don't soak it all up and that it is not the dark stuff it makes us fair ladies look like an orange. Have a good day and at least you have something to giggle about. No harm no foul.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I think you look amazing, white & all! In the above pic you have a healthy porcelain glow. And not in an "aaaah my eyes are on fire" glow haha. One pale girl to another, I do understand what you mean about the ghastly legs though. My arms & face can get some color but those damn gams stay pasty year round. And I live in the land of the sun!! I say we start a new trend & make all the tan people want to be pale;)

    ReplyDelete
  5. I feel your pain! I am pale and freckled - horrible! Self Tanners only turn me orange, its like my skin repels any kind of color!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm extremely white as well, and I burn really easily. It kinda sucks.

    And no, I don't look like Nicole Kidman either.

    ReplyDelete
  7. what no "after" picture???? and I have tried really hard to cultivate my tan this year, it has been hard. And I get so tired of people telling me brown-eyed people tan so nice - NOT

    ReplyDelete
  8. You have a tan, its just a florescent light tan. Its from the lighting in doors and its special. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  9. I am an albino sister here. I self tanned this weekend for my high school reunion and guess what I forgot? My hands and I stopped right at chest level. In looking at the pics, I am horrified to see my glowy, brown skin stops right at my neck and the contrast of neon white and brown is horrifying. It looks like I put a bag over my head to tan and gloves. Cause I often wear gloves while baking in the sun. I'm so glad I had such a cool look for my reunion.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Bwahahaha!!!! Sing the song of the pale girl! Dh says I make copy paper look tan. Nice.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I tried using self-tanners. They worked fine on me...except they made me smell. I don't know if it was the product that smelled, or a chemical reaction between the tanner and my skin...but I'd smell like rotting vegetables for days. Couldn't go near anyone. That was years ago, but I'm afraid to try again.

    And, personally, I think your skin looks nice as it is...uh, was. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  12. You are not alone in this one, sister! I am WHITE - GLOWING. Only made more...interesting...by my veins, cellulite, budgies, bruises, WHAT HAVE YOU. And, no matter the tan lotion, I feel like it just doesn't help all that much. I loved the way the tanning bed would help me look better, but then, guess what. Yup. I got skin cancer. All better now, but no more tan for me. Oh, well. :)

    ReplyDelete
  13. I want after photos too! No fair. I'm looking forward to the day all my freckles grow in to one great tan, but until then I'm a pale and spoted. Oh and I got my grandmothers vein covered legs...yuck...white with blue.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I, too am what my family calls "critically caucasian". My tan is my freckles coming together to join forces.

    YES, I have SPF 50+. YES, I would prefer to sit under an umbrella to turning lobster red.
    And ya know what? I'm 34 and don't have any crows feet, no forehead wrinkles, etc. Take that all you tan peeps!

    ReplyDelete
  15. HAHA...to funny! I am the same, pasty! The sun hates me, it turns me bright red! And the tanning gels hate me too...I'm allergic to them! Oh well, at least us pasties won't have all those wrinkles from the sun when we are old!

    ReplyDelete
  16. That micro-mist thing? I tried it. Managed to spray neat little lines down my legs. It only served to highlight how white I was between the orange lines. Not pretty. Not pretty at all....

    ReplyDelete
  17. I'm sure you can't even notice the orange knees. And, I don't think you are scary pale. And, obviously, it really matters what I think. ;)

    And, I'm totally bummed that I didn't see ya at Miss Effie's. I would have made a scene and acted like I've just spotted a movie star. Nicole Kidman, my behind.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Well at least the self tanner worked. I once went to a spray tanning spa....I blogged about it, check it out. Too funny.

    ReplyDelete
  19. The only consolation for being glowing white is that you don't wrinkle easily. I'm 63 and have very few lines and wrinkles. But the darn veiny legs I inherited from my mom and grandma are sure annoying!

    ReplyDelete
  20. You look so pretty in that picture!! Don't worry about being white. I find that it mainly bothers the person who's white, the the people who look at the person who's white. When I am really white it bothers me but people don't notice it. I also don't notice it on other people! You just look pretty to me! This comment was jibberish so I hope you understood it!

    ReplyDelete
  21. I'm commenting here because I didn't see a comment spot for your above post. Have fun on vacay, and don't spend too much time wondering why you miss the kids so much! You can come back from hiatus and kick it off with the meme I tagged you with at my site (re-post your first post meme):
    http://www.pampersandpinot.com

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Commenting makes you big and strong! Okay, maybe just strong. Okay, so it's only your fingers. But still ...

Popular Posts