A Little Spittle

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As I was dropping Colin off for school this morning, I noticed something that made me stop dead in my hurry-up-and-get-out-of-the-car-because-we're-parked-in-the-dropoff-lane tracks.


I swear, I do look at the kid while I'm helping him get ready. I make sure he has clean, reasonably coordinating clothes; I gel his unruly little hair to his cowlick-riddled cranium; I even clean yesterday's dirt off the toes of his shoes with a baby wipe. But it never fails. As soon as I think he's presentable to the general public, I realize at the last minute that there's something - ear wax, a booger, too-long fingernails - that I've neglected to take care of.

And today it was crust. Of the pancake-syrup variety. Dotting the corners of his mouth, complete with a few errant pieces of blue fuzz that must've stuck there while he was putting his shirt on.

"Ohmigawd," I muttered. I could just picture his teacher being, like, utterly appalled at the skanky condition in which I let my child come to school. But because I myself drop him off in such a condition (today it was capri sweatpants, flip-flops and a Wal-Mart tee that says "Ford" across the front), I was purseless and unprepared and therefore without means to wipe his face.

So I employed the built-in weapon that every mom has in her arsenal of tricks: Mom Spit.

There's something amazing about Mom Spit. Does anybody know if science has tested its exact properties? Because seriously, they could bottle the stuff. It's one of the most powerful cleaners known to man.

Unfortunately, it's also one of the most annoying. Because the second I licked my finger, Colin knew what was coming and ducked out of my way. Damn agile Kindergarteners. "Nooooo!" he protested. "Don't spit on meeeee!"

"It's just -" I said, chasing him with a spitty finger. "Just let me -"


He arched his head backward to avoid the Mom Spit in a manner that made me think he'd possibly dislocated his neck. I couldn't blame him. My own mom was blessedly merciful, only breaking out the Mom Spit in a dire emergency (which was almost never), but my aunt Judy had a knack for making children within a five-mile radius run for cover with one swift lick of her index finger. So I know how much it sucks. Still, there was crust. 

Unacceptable, dirty-looking, fuzz-studded crust.

So I compromised. "Lick your finger, then," I demanded, and he (reluctantly) complied. I wiped the dried syrup off his face with his own finger covered with his own Kid Spit, which is not nearly as powerful as Mom Spit.

Kid Spit is better for, you know, launching at a sibling.

But at least something made contact with his face and kinda/sorta got rid of the crusty.

In the meantime, the Mom Spit dried on the tip of my finger and now I suspect I might be able to bring people back from the dead. Or at the very least, like, out of a coma.

Somebody really needs to test this stuff.


  1. That is hilarious and gross all at the same time. I wrote a similar post a few months ago except it was brother/sister spit.
    Keep up the good work! :)

  2. Oh, you DO crack me up!

    I have had to use said spit on the husband before, which he is NONE to appreciative of. BUt really, he should be so grateful, because I'm not willing to let him go into public places and be embarassed by his own lack of hygiene. Ingrate.

    I totally know how you feel, I would die before letting my kid show up anywhere looking all mangey and "crusty." Ewww!

  3. Just yesturday before school I saw said crsut on my Peanut and gave her a paper towel and said "Lick it and wipe your face. You look like your lunch."

  4. I totally said I wouldn't be one of those moms since I HATED when my mother did it to me! Never ever!

    Yeah, chalk one more "I'll never" for a win on my mom's side...

  5. Ewwww! Hahaha. The first time I did that I was appalled. I'm just like my mom! Only my spit doesn't smell like cigarettes, which makes it infinitely better. Bleargh!

  6. Watch out Rita! I'm still armed and dangerous. Just ask my grandchildren. I learned from the best. My mom was faster then a sppeding bullet with a spit attack.

  7. I am sooo totally in solidarity on this. But there always comes that point when the kids won't let you do it and out comes the wipes (or their spit covered finger). One time I licked my finger and started to wipe something off my hubby's face but he backed away and I remembered that he was my hubby not my son.....who knew? :0)

  8. Eeewwww, I'm cringeing just thinking about having spit wiped on me! That's probably why I rarely did it to you kids. And if your Aunt Judy licks her finger when she's with me, I'm running away! LOL

  9. I thought you meant eye crust at first. I've let Tommy out of the house with eye boogers. *Hangs head in shame* But he also won't let me clean him up anymore.

    Mom spit does rock though.

  10. A distant cousin on my husband's side thought highly of Mom Spit. So much, in fact, that she would (and I'm serious here) lick her kid's entire faces with her tongue and wipe it clean with her own tee shirt!
    It must have been some recneckwhitetrashcajun thing...But- I totally used the fingertip Mom Spit myself- many times- with excellent results!

  11. You are SO hysterical and so correct! To this day my son (who's now 28) keeps a wary eye out for the Mom Spit. Not that I would 'cause now he has the second most powerful thing on earth - wife spit!

  12. My boys also recoil in horror at the mom spit. But I just thought of something - next time, I'll get THEM to lick my finger. They wouldn't protest their own spit - would they?

  13. Fyi someone did bottle it ;). http://www.firebox.com/product/2209/Momspit-Cleanser


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