Halloween is in the Hiz-ouse

We buy a lot of stuff in bulk. Important stuff that we consistently use a lot of, like butter sugar bacon toilet paper, baby wipes, and multivitamins. So we have a Sam's Club membership, which is worth every penny of the $40 yearly fee - because, I mean, you never know when you're gonna need a case of individual oatmeal packets. Or a package of 200 ballpoint pens. Or an economy-sized bag of limes.

Of course Sam's Club, like any other store, is saturated with holiday-themed stuff months before the actual holiday. At this time of year, obviously, Halloween is at the forefront since it's only a month away. And when we walked in, we were met with a towering display of Halloween candy. I'm not talking little bags here, y'all: these bags were the size of, like, an overstuffed queen-sized pillow. A pillow that ate the person sleeping on it.

"I need some for the candy dish on my desk at work," Curtis rationalized, and began piling these huge-ass bags into the cart before I could say anything. Stack. Stack. "Plus," - stack - "we'll need it for the trick-or-treaters."

"Yeah, in a month," I protested weakly, but the cart was already half-full. Snickers! Kit-Kats! 100 Grand! Almond Joy! Nestle Crunch! Reese's! Twix! M&Ms!

We do get a ton of trick-or-treaters in our 'hood. Generally I buy the Halloween candy every year, and I tend to get things I don't like (stuff like Butterfingers, Baby Ruths, Whoppers, and licorice) just so I won't devour it all and leave the little costumed kids emptyhanded. Because I totally will. I have a definite love/hate relationship with Halloween candy in the house. Because yay! 24-hour access to all the chocolatey deliciousness I can handle! but boo! no self-control and big thighs. When we do get candy I like, I try to put it up in a hard-to-reach place and promise that I won't touch it. But I swear, I could put the damn candy into a shoebox and then into a locked vault and bury it under the concrete floor of my garage and surround the garage with electric fencing and armed guards and a freaking alligator-infested moat, and I'd still get into it - that's just the way I am.

I'm jealous of people who can practice portion control by eating one little candy bar. "Fun-sized," those little candy bars are called. Really? Fun-sized? How much "fun" is half a candy bar? You know what's fun-sized to me? A candy bar the size of my head - now that's something I'd have fun eating. Whee!

As of this writing (it's Friday evening, but this post won't go up until Monday), we've had the Halloween candy in our house for approximately four hours. And I have consumed exactly *coughcoughsevencoughcough* of the aforementioned fun-sized candy bars. That's almost two per hour.

There are, like, 800-something hours until Halloween.

You do the math.





Comments

  1. Hubby bought our halloween candy the other week and I begged him not to buy the Tootsie Rolls. Well, he did what he wanted and it was okay for the past two weeks becasue we weren't home, but now they are calling to me. I feel your pain!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I feel your pain! I think I should just start buying suckers for Halloween, no temptation for me there!

    ReplyDelete
  3. LOL! I too buy stuff I don't like so I won't eat it all. James Bond will eat ANYTHING though, so I don't buy candy until just before Halloween. Of course after Indy goes t-or-t'ing I go through his candy (you know, as a safety precaution) and pull out all the stuff I like. :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. This is hilarious! I loved this post! My aunt and her husband live in Colona, IL, near Moline and they go to the Sam's in Iowa (Bettendorf, I think). They know I love the muffins that that Sam's sells--I love the chocolate, they're my favorite! I even purchased a Sam's student membership for the Sam's here in my city, but they don't have those muffins! I tried convincing my fiance to let me purchase the Halloween candy now for trick-or-treaters, and he says he knows who it's really for.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I do not have hankerings for chocolate or candy. I know I am strange and some hate me for this. But seriously, I have bad hankerings for carbs and CHEESE and salty snacks, and rest assured I ate a boatload of it this weekend. Yikes.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I learned from last year to not buy it a month before the actual date!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. This is the problem with buying Halloween candy early. We pass the Halloween aisle in the store and I see my husband's eyes light up. It's all I can do to keep his feet moving in the right direction.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh, our grocery store had Halloween stuff out after 4th of July. Sick idiots! Now it's everywhere, in the frozen corn, the charcole, next to the dog food. I just am thankful my kid is allergic to peanuts which is most candy. And you know, you know it, they have all the Christmas stuff lurking in the back, ready to go out the minute they close the doors on Halloween.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I have been trying to resist the Halloween candy in the stores for a month now. So far so good. If it makes it's way to our house, it won't last until we actually NEED it for Halloween!

    BTY, you can send the licorice over here!

    ReplyDelete
  10. I always have to hide chocolate from my brother, who somehow would scout it out even if I put it in the back of the toilet (which I haven't tried yet, to be fair). Just bought some chocolate for myself today...we'll see how long they last...this means chocolate warfare!

    ReplyDelete
  11. We hardly have any trick-or-treaters, so I don't buy much candy any more. When I do, we eat it all ourselves anyway! I'm putting off that purchase until the last possible minute. By then, maybe all the stuff I really like will be gone. ;o)

    ReplyDelete
  12. I try not to buy candy until the week of Halloween, then I'm left with the crap candy that I didn't want to eat anyway.

    My plan works unless my husband is shopping with me... he's *just* like Curtis.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I do miss Halloween! I grew up with it, but now, here in Australia, its practically non existent... sigh...

    ReplyDelete
  14. I am the same wat with brownies a d pastries! No will power whatsoeve

    ReplyDelete
  15. I LOVE buying chocolate for the trick-or-treaters! I usually get Mounds and Snickers and Kit Kats and pour them into a huge stainless steel bowl.
    Problem is: We are too far out in the country for trick-or-treaters. We never get a single one! So far, my husband has never wised up top that fact!!!!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Commenting makes you big and strong! Okay, maybe just strong. Okay, so it's only your fingers. But still ...

Popular Posts