Morning Mayhem

Cameron requested pancakes for breakfast, but I was nearly out of pancake mix and didn't have time to whip any up from scratch (plus, it doesn't say "Martha Stewart" on my driver's license). So he had a huge and prolonged three-year-old fit, which provided the perfect soundtrack (← total sarcasm) for a chaotic morning.

I couldn't find my phone for the longest, then realized it was inside my pillowcase.

I walked around for like ten minutes with the torn-out page of a dinosaur book inexplicably stuck to my bare foot.

I found a mysterious dried turd on the bedroom floor. I found a shriveled carrot in the junk drawer (where coincidentally, just the other day, I also found half an unpeeled banana inside a Dollar General bag). But I couldn't find the mate to Coby's shoe. Or his other sock. Which would have been perfect ... had I been trying to dress a one-legged child. Ironically, though, I was able to easily locate his flip-flops, which spent half the summer lost. Go figure.

While sifting through the basket full of laundry (which has been sitting there for like three days and I totally need to fold but have little to no desire to attend to) trying to find Coby's missing sock, the pleasant fabric-softener smell was suddenly replaced by ... what the ... is that pee I smell?

Yes. Apparently so. My expert nose detected a whiff of urine ... on some of our "clean" clothes. How it got there remains a mystery. Who the culprit is, I have no idea. But yeah. Now I've got an extra basket of laundry to (re)wash. Oh yay.

While I was standing there staring into the laundry basket with a bewildered frown on my face, Cameron bumped his mouth trying to climb on the kitchen counter (even though he was supposed to be sitting there like a good boy eating his cereal) and busted his lip.  Like, dripping-with-blood busted.  So I had to attend to that, with kisses and soothing words and an ice cube wrapped in a paper towel.

And all the while the clock is like, "Tick-tock, chump, you've got to be out the door in less than fifteen minutes and you've still got three half-naked kids and piss-reeking laundry. Bwahahahahaaaa!"

I finally managed to get everyone fed and dressed. I made sure everything was in Colin's backpack and that he had his jacket. I made sure the dogs were confined to the living room so we wouldn't find a toy or a book chewed up (or another mysterious turd) when we got home. I cleared the breakfast dishes so that my sensitive-stomached-but-stupid cat wouldn't lick them and barf all over the place. I made sure to grab my phone in case I had car trouble or some other disaster on the way to school.

We were out the door. On time, even.

And then, halfway to school? I realized I was braless. And wearing workout pants that, after one washing, shrunk to highwaters of epic proportions - like, I'm talking mid-calf. Thank goodness Colin is able to get himself out of the car and all I've got to do is pull up at the curb. Yikes.

At least I didn't have car trouble.     


  1. Glad you made it out on-time, bras are overrated, but more importantly, when are you vlogging again?

  2. Sounds like a pretty terrible morning, but the good news is that if your pants shrunk up to mid-thigh, they're now capris, which are fashionable. Or something.

  3. Your posts always make me laugh. Thanks!

  4. Wow! Congrats on making it out on time!!

  5. I've been reading your blog since my firstborn could barely walk, and always had a good laugh. Now that I've got two boys and my firstborn is an active almost-three year old, my life is starting to look more and more like yours.....the posts aren't so funny anymore :P

  6. What a lovely way to start the day! Hope Cameron's lip is getting better....poor baby!
    I remember when your Aunt Judy took the kids to school in her nightgown (stuffed in her jeans) and fluffy house shoes.....and had car trouble! At least you made it home without an incident! ;o)

  7. Yikes!! That sounds like how my mornings usually go - but without the whole taking kids to school part. Sometimes I wonder how I am ever able to get anything done!


  8. Jessica Armstrong LasaSeptember 9, 2011 at 9:56 AM

    OH yes, I love you because I AM you! Laundry basket and random rotten food, braless and all! Today is one of those mornings that the baby cries about, like, EVERYTHING. Oh coffee, I love you, too! P.S. yes, we want VLOGS!!

  9. Cathie is right could have been worse(stupid car), and your sister could have sent her then husband after you with the siren on his patrol car blasting. You know those fluffy shoes were not that easy to drive in. Your cousin Jessica thought the whole thing was lots of fun. Lets do this again tomorrow. My response was not in this lifetime. I hated that stupid car from that day forward. Not to fond of patrol cars either.


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