Hair the Rita Way: a Pretty Bad Tutorial

I started today out on a mission: come hell or high water, I was gonna look cute.

I woke up early, so I figured that while time was in my corner, I could take a few extra minutes to make myself look extra-presentable. After all, I have important places to go today. Like ... the kids' school. And ... the kids school again. And ... the kids' school. Two more times.


Anyway, while I did have some extra time, I'd have to wake up at like three in the morning to properly tend to my ridiculous hair. Have you seen it? Well hair it is ... (hahahahaha ... you know, because, like, hair? ... ahem):

This was taken a while ago but unfortunately nobody has swapped my hair with Kate Middleton's since then.

My 'fro pretty much looks like a bad wig unless I deep-condition, blow-dry, and straighten it. And ain't nobody got time for all that. Especially not when I need to get four children up, dressed, fed, and acceptable to the general public by the time school starts. So the best option is a shower.


What do you do with wet hair? I can barely manage this mess dry, and I'm not good with girly hair stuff (mom of four boys here, y'all). Remember the time I tried a new hairstyle and my husband compared me to a gorilla? Or when I confessed that I just don't know what to do with bobby pins?

So this morning I did what any desperate, horrible-with-hair person would do: I consulted my trusty oracle, Google. I found all kinds of awesome tutorials.

Unfortunately, they were awesome tutorials that you must be decent at doing hair to follow.

My idea of "easy" and the Internet's are apparently vastly different. I was hoping for something along the lines of: 1.) brush hair straight back 2.) secure it with a ponytail holder 3.) look fantastic with a cute hairstyle and wait for the compliments to roll in. But these how-tos were like, "It's so easy to look great with wet hair! All you have to do is part your hair on the side and tease it at the crown. Then do a double French braid on the sides and a fishtail in the back and secure with ten bobby pins and tie the bottom in a knot and make sure you wrap the hair around to hide the elastic and voila! Simple!"

If I tried to recreate a similar hairstyle tutorial it would go something like this:

1.) Get comb stuck in hair.

2.) Make uneven side part due to unfortunately-placed cowlick.

3.) Carefully twist hair. Accidentally twist finger into hair. Extricate finger, pulling a huge chunk of hair out of place. Say the f-word.

4.) Try to twist other side to match first side. Accidentally let go of first side, untwisting it.

5.) Try to secure both sides with bobby pins. End up with weird sticky-uppy bits of hair on top of head.

6.) Settle for ponytail.

Anyway, I finally found this tutorial and followed it as best I could. It's pretty straightforward. And I ended up with this:

Sorry for the bad quality of the pictures, but do you have any idea how hard it is to take a selfie of the back of your head?

I just twisted the sides of my hair back (I had to put a ponytail holder in to keep one side in place while I twisted the other because I still don't understand how to twist both sides without letting go of one) and then ponytailed the twists ... then tucked the ponytail behind the twists and pulled it through. Then I took the rest of my hair that was hanging down and literally just bunched it up into a weird messy bun. And there you go: not exactly like the photos, but better than nothing.

(PS, I know this is a convoluted explanation, which is exactly why I don't do more tutorials.)

I feel kind of girly today, and I like it, so I might just go somewhere besides the kids' school.

Like ... the grocery store.



  1. It looks cute! I think you did great!

    I've got short hair for a reason. It's easy. But I literally HAVE to do something with it because putting it up is out of teh question. I have become a huge advocate of dry shampoo.

    1. I had short hair my senior year of high school - like boy short - and LOVED it. But then it started to grow out so I got it trimmed and it looked NOTHING like my original haircut. I never could get it to look exactly like it looked when I got it cut the first time! Ever since then I've been scared to go short! Plus I think these days it'd probably make my face look like a gumball.

  2. Wow - that looks really good. And the scarf makes it super fancy. Almost fancy enough to fool us into thinking you're not taking that selfie on the toilet.

    1. How is it that we've never met in real life and yet you know me so well? ;)

  3. Hi Rita,

    Not knowing what to do my dragged backwards-through-a-rosebush unruly mane and wanting to spend less time messing with it in a day led me to go for a pixie crop. Now I wear more make-up because I don't feel feminine and STILL take the same time to get ready...

  4. My daily hair was always pulled up in a ponytail. Or a bun. Then I cut it all off.... Now I actually have to DO something to it which makes it look nice, but is a pain in the butt. I don't know if it's a win or a lose. Although, I do have a friend who told me this is the nicest haircut I've ever had. For the first time it actually looks really pretty. (backhanded compliment much?)


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