Five Things I Hate About Halloween

So as it turns out, there really was a whore at the door. (Check my last entry if you're confused.) At least in appearance, if not in practice. I'm referring to the legions of pint-sized stripper lookalikes that paraded their hot-costumed heinies across my porch for Halloween candy. I'm talkin' about this type of thing:

Picture via MomLogic. See more examples in their gallery ... ugh!

I swear, some of the costumes I saw really brought out the "crotchety old lady" in me. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed a few years' worth of risque Halloween-wear in my heyday (slutty witch, slutty gypsy, slutty somebody-in-an-afro-wig) - but that was when I was an adult. Like twenty-plus. Going to adult parties. Not trick-or-treating. Some of these little girls looked like they'd purchased their costumes at one of those stores that carries penis-shaped ice trays and hats with boobs on the front. I'm no prude, but there's just something inherently wrong about anyone under voting age trying to look drinking age.

That being said, let's delve into some more of my Halloween pet peeves, shall we? (Having had 250+ trick-or-treaters this year, I consider myself somewhat of an expert on this subject ... so feel free to quote me.)

Teenagers Trick-or-Treating. First of all, let me apologize if you're the parent of a teenaged trick-or-treater who has some legitimate reason to be out and about. But I think once you tack "teen" onto your age - fourteen, at the very most - you should leave the costumes to the kiddies and stick to handing out candy or toilet papering people's houses or something. It irritates me when a trick-or-treater comes up to me with a.) cleavage that rivals a breast-augmentation "after" picture, or b.) a deep and masculine voice and/or facial hair. Dude and Dudette, it's obvious that you have already gone through puberty and therefore have no place hanging out among the elementary-aged hobgoblins, so get the hell off my steps. Which brings us to number two ...

A Serious Lack of Manners. This again is mostly something that I notice among the older trick-or-treaters: a complete lack of the fundamental "please" and "thank you." Not only that, but half of them don't even say the requisite "trick or treat," choosing instead to rudely and greedily thrust their open bags in my direction. When I take my kids door to door, I make sure that they use their manners at every. Single. House. If not, we're going home: simple as that. Even my two-year-old is able to follow that rule, so it shouldn't be hard for anyone - especially people who are ten or more years older than he is.

"Trick or Treat, Smell My Feet." In the same vein as a lack of manners, we have this ridiculous and rude little ditty: "Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat," and all its stupid ending variations (i.e., "If you don't, I don't care, I'll pull down your underwear"). I don't hand out candy to kids who say that to me. Period. Call me bitchy, but it's disrespectful. And if your kids say this, shame on you for letting them. And if you actually encourage them to say this - as I heard one father do, urging his two little girls to say it at my house - you should be slapped upside your head. I gave those two little girls candy, but only out of sympathy that they had such a dumbass father. When they left, Colin looked up at me, wide-eyed, and said, "I didn't even laugh. I don't think that was funny." Could I have been any prouder? Probably not. Because I don't think there's anything funny about being rude to people who are generously giving you stuff.

Babies Trick-or-Treating. At the opposite end of the age spectrum are the "trick-or-treating" babies. And by "trick-or-treating" I mean "riding around dressed up in a stroller and sleeping or looking bored while their parents say 'trick-or-treat' for them and collect candy on their behalf." Here's the thing. I have three kids myself, and I know how cute babies look in costumes. I know that you can't wait to dress them up and parade them around, and there's nothing wrong with that. But the whole "getting candy" thing? Is for kids with teeth. Who can say "trick-or-treat!" themselves and walk up to the door and hold their own candy bag. Until my kids are able to do this, I dress them up and maybe take them to the neighbor's house, or my mom's or something - but never door to door. If it's candy you want, parents of babies, maybe try going out and buying some like the rest of us did. Raiding your kids' stash should be a privilege reserved for parents of age-appropriate trick-or-treaters!

So there you have it: five things that bug me about what is, otherwise, one of my favorite holidays. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm stepping off my soapbox ... and right on over to the cabinet, to once again remove all the "unsafe" candy from my boys' hoard.

Just doing my job, folks.


  1. Only FIVE things? Really? Actually, quite a great and comprehensive list there. I agree with ALL of them. But then again, I really hate Halloween mostly. I loathe handing out candy at all. BUT, last night, Jer was handing out candy, and he said that literally, a grown couple with a tiny baby came to the door, all dressed up and trick or treated. He was so stunned. And after that, literally every other trick or treater we had were teenage kids. LAME! Finally, I can't BELIEVE you had 250 people at your door. Insane!

    Oh wait, I wanted to add another "rude" thing. When they are bugged by what candy you gave them. Sorry, I'm poor, I bought the cheap stuff. So, when Jere put the tootsie rolls in their bag, the kid actually said, in disgust.."tootsie rolls?" I get it, be annoyed, just don't be annoyed to my face. UGH!

  2. I completely agree with all of that! Especially the babies and teenagers! Come on people, it's no secret that the candy you're scoring "for" your baby is actually for you! Get a job and buy your own!
    I have one to add - people who drag their reluctant whiny toddlers around! Obviously if they are pouting/crying/stomping their feet/whining they aren't into it, so stop making them trick or treat and go home already!! Trick or treating is a privilege in my books, and if they are behaving badly they don't deserve to do it. Who is this really for? Ah, right...I forgot, the parent!

  3. I had a hoarde of teenagers but was completely surprised when we went to the door.

  4. I couldn't agree more! You forgot the teens/kids who go trick or treating without even wearing a costume!!

  5. The teenagers and the slutty outfits were seriously bugging me!! I didn't mind the babies as it's exciting to take *usually the first baby* out because now you "can." I haven't done it, but I can see how it'd be fun. I've also decided that when I have deemed that my kids are too old to Trick or Treat, I will be hosting a Halloween Party that night and they will hand out candy, watch scary movies, dress up, and have Halloweeny treats. Of course, that is AFTER their younger siblings are also too old to Trick or Treat. :)

  6. All of these things bug me too. And that's why I don't hand out candy anymore. lol

  7. I couldn't agree more with every single point. I love it when you get the teenage slutty Bumblebee pushing her baby in a flower costume. Candy for two please? Ummm. No.

  8. We took our 3 boys door to door trick or treating. The baby in a stroller, some people tried to give him (he's 16 mo) candy I told them not to worry about it, we had brought him age appropriate snacks. From then on I stayed on the sidewalk and let the 2 older boys go door to door. I MADE them say trick or treat and thank you loudly at every door so I could hear it. My oldest was upset with me because he said no one else was saying it. I enforced it though.

  9. Yes, I agree with you on every single thing especially the teenagers who still trick or treat AND the parents who show off their babies and then eat their candy (who else is going to eat it?).

  10. CAN'T AGREE MORE with this post - esp the "trick or treat, smell my feet" thing. My MIL was here this past week and I caught her TEACHING my boys to say that! WHAT??? I told them that we are ABSOLUTELY not saying that and she p-shawed me, as if I was being so incredibly unreasonable. I don't care what the hell she says - my kids are going to learn to be RESPECTFUL and KIND above everything else! I wish more parents would emphasize the importance of those two qualities.

    I did take my baby out in his gorilla costume, though. He sat in the stroller or was carried. What else was I supposed to do with him when we were taking the other 3 boys out?

  11. Some bratty kid at the door saw my cute little boy dressed as Buzz Lightyear and said, "Everyone knows Woody's cooler!" Could have killed him that little fucker.

  12. Can we add to the list? Add the kids that are begging for candy. You know, the ones who didn't even ATTEMPT to put on a costume?

    I swear. Next year I'm buying canned beans. If you aren't wearing a costume, THAT'S what you'll get!

  13. Okay I have two points.

    My most annoying part of Halloween isn't the trick or treaters, it's beating my leaping, barking dogs back.

    Second, I'm scared if I don't give the little rude thugs candy they will come back and key my truck.

  14. Totally agree.

    And I would add (based on last night's experience): Kids who come back for seconds. No seriously, we had a group of boys who tried to come back 3 times. In a 5 minute time span.

    little hooligans.

  15. I totally agree! When the trick-or-treaters are taller than me, they're too darn big to be at my door. I don't mind the babies if they're with the rest of their siblings, but I don't think their parents should be collecting candy for them if they're not old enough to eat it! Even so, we live where there aren't ANY trick-or-treaters and I miss their excitement. Halloween is my favorite holiday!

  16. Ha! My husband and I were talking about the costumes some of the little girls were wearing too! I'm sorry, but my girls are not going out of the house looking like little hoochies. Not anytime soon anyway :P

  17. I agree with all of your points. Halloween, unfortunately, puts a spotlight on many ills of society, including, greed, entitlement, ignorance and nastiness.

    I bypass the door answering by leaving a bucket of candy...I skip the "take one" note b/c I know somebody will take them all...

    I try to enjoy the excitement that my three kids feel as the charge up and down the street.

    I use this holiday as a "teachable moment" for my kiddos and hope that their good manners/ appreciation for the generosity of strangers will be a good example for others...

    Most of all...I try to be thankful of the ALL of the DELICIOUS BLOG MATERIAL that Halloween provides:)

    Your blog is good stuff...and I'm not just saying that because I have a ton of work to do and spent the last 30 minutes trolling your posts:) BRAVO!!!

  18. It's as if I wrote this myself! That's why I love you - we totally think alike!

  19. I love this! Sometimes I feel like you are actually stealing this stuff from ME! I couldn't agree more and HATE rude children, and HATE their parents MORE! Thanks for stopping by!!

  20. if you are wearing a costume my sixteen yr old took his sister trick or treating, of course I expected him to but he only did it a a few houses.. in this error I rather have the teens trick or treating than causing chaos like throwing eggs and toilet papering.. of course I was that momma when my son was a baby i took him trick or treating.. he ate lolly pops and i asked for them if they were available... now a days I hate walking around doing the trick or treating... yes they should be polite though.. my only requirements are costumes and niceness though


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