Zom-biatch - UPDATED!

Joanne realized with dismay that her expensive anti-aging serum wasn't working after all.

Hi, my name is Rita, and I'm scared of zombies.

I don't mean as in the "Wow, those things are kinda creepy" way. I mean as in the "petrified-when-I-think-about-them, can't-go-to-the-bathroom-alone-after-watching-them-on-TV, nightmares-for-a-week" type of scared. My logical mind knows they don't exist. But the part of my brain that overrides my logical mind? Is a cowardly little bitch when it comes to zombies. In fact, every night before I go to bed, I glance out my bedroom window into the darkness of my yard to make sure there are no zombies lurching their undead way up to my door. Embarrassing true story, y'all. But I can't help it.

And okay, I (sheepishly) admit it: the other day I Googled "is a zombie apocalypse possible."

What? I might need to be, you know, prepared.

*ahem* 

I can trace the fear back all the way to my childhood, when I was about five and my parents left me in the care of my teenaged siblings for the afternoon - who decided that a scary movie marathon would be fun. (Way to go, guys.) I'll never forget it: we watched Return of the Living Dead, and ever since then, zombies are the numero-uno way to make my stomach drop and my knees knock.

Oddly enough, though - as scared as I am - zombie movies are my absolute favorite type of horror movie to watch. I was thrilled when AMC debuted its new show The Walking Dead on Halloween night - and apparently I'm in good company, as it was the most-watched episode premiere in history. Now I can't wait for Sunday nights when it comes on. It's my new guilty pleasure. (Anybody else obsessed with that show? Holla!)

My brother Steve and I were having an interesting discussion the other day, and I thought I'd bring it to the blog for some outside opinions. So here it is, the burning question of the day:

If zombies were real, would they poop?

I say they would. I mean, they still walk, and eat - which are basic biological functions. And if you eat, well, you know what happens. But my brother argues that you never see a zombie who has ... shat himself. Here's the exact text he sent me:

Steve: They seem to be lacking in dexterity. I don't think they just drop pants and squat.

After which he added, "More research is required."

I say that you wouldn't even be able to tell if they'd soiled themselves, seeing as they're already gross and decaying and dirty. But Steve insists that you'd be able to see.

Opinions? Lend me your braaaaaaaaaaiiiins ...






UPDATE: So a few hours ago, my brother directed me toward The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead. According to author Max Brooks, and page 11-12 of the book:

"Recent evidence has once and for all discounted the theory that human flesh is the fuel for the undead. A zombie's digestive tract is completely dormant. The complex system that processes food, extracts nutrition, and excretes waste does not factor into a zombie's physiology. Autopsies conducted on neutralized undead have shown that their 'food' lies in its original, undigested state at all sections of the tract. This partially chewed, slowly rotting matter will continue to accumulate, as the zombie devours more victims, until it is forced through the anus, or literally bursts through the stomach or intestinal lining. While this more dramatic example of non-digestion is rare, hundreds of eyewitness reports have confirmed undead to have distended bellies. One captured and dissected specimen was found to contain 211 pounds of flesh within its system! Even rarer accounts have confirmed that zombies continue to feed long after their digestive tracts have exploded from within."

So there you have it. "Expert" proof - I mean, at least from a dude who wrote a book - that zombies do not in fact poop (unless the aforementioned food-forcing-through-the-anus thing happens. In which case ... EW!).

18 comments:

  1. ROFLMAO I'm dying. I don't think they do. They're are technically dead therefore their organs aren't functioning. Just like Vampires, ever see one pee in a movie?

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  2. I'm with you on this one, Rita. I think you're right in thinking they'd probably just shit themselves and not care about it either way.

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  3. They're probably running fevers and need a high calorie diet. I bet they burn it all off, with that and all the chasing they do.

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  4. OH MY GOD! YOU TOO? Okay, seriously, your picture made me whimper! You must be braver than I because I could no way in heck have even found that to post it! Really crazy thing: Return of the Living Dead was the first Zombie movie I ever saw too! {Yeah, my stupid dad sat me down and made me watch it and LAUGHED at me (7, by the way) when I started crying and wanted to go to my bedroom}... He didn't let me. And now, I'm terrified of them. Geesh. Thanks Dad.

    But, nowadays, Zombie movies? Still not my thing. Unless Zombieland counts, cuz that shit was hilarious. XD

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  5. Zombies freak me out, too and the only "zombie" movies I can watch are Resident Evil. Yeah...those. Dawn of the Dead really weirds me out and I don't like it at all! Vampires, however...are awesome.

    So...as for whether or not they poo. I say...no. Only because they're dead. They may eat, but that is only to power their inhuman bodies. Everything they consume should be used to keep them moving and not "dead". I believe I read somewhere that consuming human blood/body parts/flesh prevents/slows the decaying process. Everything that they eat, is used to replenish their decaying flesh. It's the same thing with vamps. They use everything they consume, so there is no waste to dispose of. I'm sure that if they didn't eat anything, including each other(which they'll do if no humans are around), then they'd eventually decompose completely. Of course, then you may have little tiny bits of twitching zombie flesh all over the ground. Yeah, that's creepy.

    Even humans will have very little waste products if they consume ONLY what their body needs to function. :)

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  6. I have no idea, however, I do relate to your fear as I have the same one for the exact same reason (darn kids trying to scare other kids)!

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  7. I never ever watch zombie movies because i am chicken. so i do not know much about them. that said, i think they use everything they consume like kendall said above!

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  8. I am the biggest scaredy-chicken of all times, yet zombies...not so much*
    *Although I do double check the yard when I let my dog out on Sunday nights after my Walking Dead viewing
    I have never really thought about the zombie defecation routine...I was always under the impression that their internal organs didn't really work that well anymore, so I would just imagine that after they chew and swallow their victims, the remains would just fall out of whatever rotting, gaping hole is closest to thier stomach.

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  9. Maybe they dont...since they don't drink water or ingest anything else, maybe their carcass acts like a big sponge. The moisture and fleshy matter is absorbed to help keep those dead limbs well oiled and in walking dead motion.

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  10. Oh this is what my fiancee says:

    it's depends on your theory of of zombies
    if they
    they're undead, then i don't think they need to eat
    the whole brains thing was just to kill and make you a zombie.
    if you go with more modern stories on zombies then it's a disease and they do eat to survive and then yes must shat.

    And then I said:
    They so have to incorporated that in a zombie movie.
    I wanna see a Zombie pop a squat.

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  11. You normally make me laugh but this tops it. I had to sedn this to my hubby at work becaseu we have had concversation where we plan how we will survive zombies. Happy Monday!

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  12. It all depends on how their bodies break down the brains they eat. What is that energy used for? Is that the power they use to remain undead? If so, they may or may not have waste from those nutrients.

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  13. I still get freaked out of going to the bathroom in the middle of the night and accidentally looking in the mirror in the dark. Ever heard of the "bloody Mary" urban legend? Yeah, FREAKED OUT!

    Zombies, eh. I couldn't be bothered with all the "brains" and stuff. The movies piss me off because they walk so dang slow, yet catch the dopy people anyway. AHHHH! Why!!! Kinda like the next step up from a zombie, Mike Meyers in Halloween 1-1000. Really? You can't get away from the dude limping at the slowest gait towards you?? Really?!

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  14. Zombies make me laugh. I think they're probably weak and rickety. And, do they have "guts"? NO, I don't think they poo.

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  15. Well…3 episodes into the Walking Dead series we have yet to find out what caused the Zombies to become Zombies but here’s what we do know from watching.
    These Zombies seem to maintain at least some of their senses. We know they can see, smell and hear. We also know they eat animals as well as people and so far we’ve seen them eat a horse, a rat and a deer.
    Based on these few observations I would think a Zombies digestive system would continue to function much like it did prior to Zombification.

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  16. WAIT...Zombies eat?
    This is surprising news to me.
    And for my poor sister, her life has never been the same since the original Exorcist was one TV one night and she made the mistake of watching it, at age 8. No lie, she has been a not mess ever since.

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  17. I LOVE that you wrote about this! When my in lawes were teenagers, for a family night one night they were talking about what they would do in case of different emergencies. Earthquakes, fires, and zombie attacks. They read from this book you talked about. Hil-ar-ious. Gotta love my husbands family! They were kidding of course, but the fact that they did that semi seriously and had the book in hand...awesome. My husband and I watched Zombieland the night before Halloween and I actually thought it was a good movie. If you haven't seen it, do it!

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  18. This is something I never have thought about. Zombies don't scare me, but the new-age zombies (caused by chemical warfare or other man-made things) scares me. That doesn't seem so far off. And then we'd be fighting crazies, much like people on PCP. Aren't they kind of like zombies in the sense that they are out of their mind and nothing stops them?

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