Baby, Maybe?


If there's one thing I hear above anything else, it's "I don't know how you do it." That's in reference, of course, to my ability to handle my three crazy spirited little heathens boys on a regular basis. And yeah, okay, they can be a handful: like pooping in weird placeslocking me out of the house, and bellowing about stinky balls in public. But I do handle* it, because, well ... what choice do I have? You work with what you're given. Plus, I love those messy little maniacs.

*And by "handle" I mean only occasionally* wishing I could lock myself into my closet and pretend I'm not home.

*And by "occasionally" I mean only, like, two or three times a day. Tops.

Sometimes (okay, lots of times) I do feel overwhelmed. But I remember feeling overwhelmed when all I had was Colin. I'm pretty sure that no matter how many kids you have - whether you're on your first or your uterus comes equipped with a revolving door - you're gonna feel like you're drowning in them from time to time.

The point of all this is to say that I've had a major case of baby fever lately. Part of me wants to have another child. The other part says, "Four kids? Have you gone mad?" I hate feeling so conflicted about it. I thought when I was done I'd feel done, you know? Like, I'd get a sense of enough-ness (and yes, that is totally a word). A feeling of completion. And yet ... that's missing.

It doesn't help that Curtis is all waffle-y (also a word) about it. See, there was supposed to be a vasectomy in the works when we were done. He himself suggested it, actually. Which I think is only fair since in all my pregnancies combined, I've spent 27 total months of my life lugging around approximately 25 pounds of fetus, gained and lost a grand total of nearly 300 pregnancy pounds (yes, seriously), endured almost 30 hours of labor, and have - three times - squeezed larger-than-average behemoths through my nether regions. Not to mention wrecked my once-smokin' bod. When you think of it that way, a lil' snip-snip at the doctor's office doesn't seem so torturous.

Anyway, from the looks of things, that vasectomy isn't even remotely on the horizon. I even provide reminders, such as running threateningly in the direction of his junk with a pair of scissors. (Kidding.) When I ask him if he wants to have any more kids, most of the time he says no. But when I ask if it's just fear preventing him from having the vasectomy, he says it's because he's not sure he wants to be done having kids. WTF!

I'll be 31 years old in a few months. Coby, my youngest, will be two. I think if I'm going to have another baby, it should be pretty soon, before I get out of the "baby caretaking loop" (and before my chart at the obstetrician's office says "advanced maternal age"). Because I'd hate to be, like, all done with diapers and have the kids be all self-sufficient and then bam - here comes another baby and I'd have to start it all over again.

If I do have another one, I'm worried that it'd be a girl. I don't know what to do with a girl, y'all. Plus - and this is probably my biggest fear - if it IS a girl, I don't want it to seem like we just kept having kids until we finally got a female up in the mix. You know? Like we messed up the first three times but kept trying until we got it right, and then we were done. And that's what people would think. Ugh. 

Anyhoo, here's where we get interactive - I need your input. Are you done having kids? Did you just know you were done - is there, like, a feeling I should be getting? Was your partner on the fence about it? What factors did you consider? Did you both agree, or did one say no and that was it? 

25 comments:

  1. I'm almost 38, and I'm planning on trying (we'll see if my shriveled ovaries co-operate) to have a baby this next year. I'll be almost 39 when and if we have this baby. My mother in law had my husband, her 8th of 8 kids when she was 42. So it can be done, if you feel like you want more or there are more kiddos to come to your family. Good luck on your decision! :)

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  2. I thought I was so done having kids during my last pregnancy. I'd always wanted 3 kids, I was having my third, boom, end of story. Until I had her, and then I suddenly wanted another one. and now that she is almost 2 and a half, and I am probably 6 months at most from having three kids completely out of diapers, I want a new baby even more. I definitely don't think I could have handled a fourth baby on the same time schedule I had the first three (18 and 16 months apart), but now that they are all walking and feeding themselves and don't really need so much help anymore, and one will be in school full time and another part time next year; my hands are empty and I need a baby to fill them up!

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  3. Well, I had Han Solo 7 weeks ago today. He was a big ol' surprise baby, let me tell you! Indy was 8 and independent and life was good, then BAM! It is a HUGE adjustment, let me tell you. We were so done with baby things (diapers!) and working around nap schedules and then we had to start all over again. It is NOT easy, I'm not going to lie. There are days (or rather nights) when I long for my life, our life, prior to Han Solo coming along, but I can't go back and love him to pieces anyway (though I'm not so thrilled with him at 3am), so we just go forward. The bad days (and nights) will end (at least I keep telling myself that) and one day I'll look back and forget the exhaustion and think how lucky I was to have him, even though I was considered "advanced maternal age."
    BTW, dh is getting the snip, snip next month. :)

    Good luck with your decision!

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  4. My husband and initially only wanted to, however I am due in 4 weeks with twins. So I guess it was meant to be that we would have 3 (which I totally wanted in the first place, it was just hubby who didn't). I will be getting my tubes tied after delivery and hubby will be getting snippy snipped as extra precaution. I know my luck all to well. I think 3 kids will keep me plenty busy and I do feel like these twins complete our family. Not that I would have a choice anyway because hubs is definitely done. I said I wanted to be done by the time I am 30 and I will be giving birth about a month before the big 3-OH. Good luck with your decision!

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  5. I don't know. I wouldn't rush it if I were you. A few years off of diaper duty will definately be welcomed when you start doing it again. And just to let you know, when I had my girl I KNEW I was done. and probably not because I was waiting to have that girl but mostly because she is a brat yo. :)

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  6. I posted about this a month or so ago. I appears that the feeling of being 'complete' isn't always there, what I gathered from comments is that you just get to the point when you just *can't* go back to having a back in the house even if you constantly (yes) have baby fever

    Good luck :)

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  7. Sorry, I can't help with this one. We weren't a given a choice. We have 1 healthy son, 2 miscarriages and a billion years/dollars trying everything. It's just not happening, so I guess the decision was made for us by fate. You and Curtis will come to your "right" decision. Try not to dwell on it too much is the only advice I have. Don't stress too bad about what people will think regardless of what you decide. There will always be that choose to think the worst and then there will be others that it never crossed there mind to be anything but positive and happy for you. Good luck on your decision and let us know what happens!!! : )

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  8. I wanted four, the circumstances of Dallas' birth limited me to two, but I think big families are very underated in society. I know many who have come from big families (myself included with 4 siblings) and love it. If you love parenting and you do, I can understand the desire and need for another one. You are a wonderful mother. The one advice I would say, do it sooner than later, it makes the baby stage easier and makes the kids closer too.

    Don't sweat the girl, my niece wanted a big family, after four boys she thought she was done and went 5 years, then wanted another, guess what? a girl. They are all crazy about her and it wouldn't have mattered boy or girl to them. Don't worry about other people, you are the one that has to live your life.

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  9. Maybe it's in the air? I have a 5 year old, almost 3 year old, and an 18 month old and I had the nerve to ask if we could have another one;) Granted I had my tubes tied to prevent this insanity...but yup. I could go for another one;)

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  10. Clair23/5/11

    I am about 99% certain that I am done. For many, many reasons I really love having an only child. I feel exceptionally content and do not have any strong desire to parent more children. Also, as you know, pregnancy is pretty much my own version of hell. Not because my ankles swell and I crave Indian food in a way that is almost painful. But because I live in a near constant state of terror. Emotionally, I just don't feel like I could do that again, especially while also trying to be a stable and capable mother to my son.

    That said, I love babies. Like, ADORE babies. I feel like I excel at mothering babies. I just get them. So I do get a little wistful thinking about the fact that those days are over.

    But anyway I am fairly certain I'm done. And I think it's natural for there to be a little sadness in that. It's a chapter of your life that you're closing. But in spite of that wee bit of sorrow, I feel pretty certain that this is how my family should look.

    Of course you never know...

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  11. Michelle23/5/11

    Why would you care what anyone else thinks about your reasons to have another child? That is just a strange reason to consider while deciding whether or not to have another child! I say if the feeling is there it doesn't generally go away, it just gets stronger. We debated a third and ended up getting pregnant and having a miscarriage and it just made the desire even stronger. Two more miscarriages and we are finally 6 months pregnant with number 3. Things don't always go as planned and spacing your kids exactly how you wish is not a guarantee. If you want more then go for it.

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  12. I'm here to tell you that 4 really isn't THAT much different than 3 and that when you're done, you'll know for sure. I say go for it.

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  13. I'm due in 6 weeks with our fourth. Even though I am getting my tubes tied...somedays I am still on the fence about it. So is hubs. We would prolly keep having kids if A)We were millionaires and B)If we didn't screw up and agree to the first c-sec leading to the repeats. So our reasons for stopping are money and increasing risks. I definitely agree though, if you're gonna do it...I wouldn't wait. People always ask us why we had them so close together and we always tell them because when we are done with baby stuff, we are DONE with baby stuff.

    Anyway, point is I don't think we'll ever feel done. Some people do, just not everyone.

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  14. That second paragraph, about being overwhelmed no matter how many kids you have, has completely solidified my plans to have 4 kids. My husband is insisting on only the 2 that we already have, but, I mean, he didn't really have a say in the first one (although, I didn't either) so he doesn't really need to have a say in the last 2, either!

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  15. P.S. I think that if you have a girl the 4th time, then you pretty much would have to go ahead and have a 5th child just to prove a point. So, yeah. In this case you need to ask yourself if you're ready for not one more child, but two.

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  16. I think you forgot to ask if we, the reader, thought you should have another. The answer is yes.

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  17. I just knew. You will know in your knower when you are done having kids. And don't waste energy worrying about what others will think if you have a girl. They don't matter anyways.

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  18. This is a good question. I totally get what you mean about people thinking you kept going just to get 'the girl' (what is it with girls being the bees knees? That no woman is complete until she has a daughter? That's a rant for later, though).

    It's such a personal decision, to have more kids. I think it depends on you, how much you want this and how prepared you really feel. A mothers patience (and finances!) really do have their limit- my parents, for example, had four kids, and probably should have stopped at two or three- I remember growing up we always struggled financially, Dad also worked massive hours, Mum was always tired and angry and emotional.

    Of course, there is that saying that you'll never regret the children you have, only the ones you don't.

    Good luck with the decision making!

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  19. I think it's "to each their own", but I think it's standard to have the 'want one more' feel even if your done done! I always said I was done at two. I want to be done by 38, so if not by then, it ain't happening.
    And stopping at 2? My argument was - Disney makes family vacation packages for how many? FOUR!


    Let's see how my world pans out...

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  20. I am So done but triplets will do that to a person.

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  21. WE have two boys, the youngest is 4 (almost 5). And we are not done having kids. We both know that we want at least one more, but I just don't know the timing. Things are about to get easy(er) with the "baby" starting school. And like you, I'm worried about having a girl. For some of the same reasons you are. And also because -what on earth do you do with a girl?

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  22. So glad I have some GREAT input on this (as a mom of 4 boys with NO REGRETS!)
    I waffled and waffled and waffled some more after #3. I asked for signs from God and got them, but still wasn't convinced we should go for #4. When I saw 2 lines on the test, the immediate reaction was RELIEF! Thank GOD, I didn't have to wonder if we should or not - the decision had been made.
    When we found out it was another boy, it seemed that although I'd never have the daughter I'd always dreamed about, all was right with the world. Can I just tell you how AMAZING my Luke is? He has seriously ruined me for other babies because he's just so perfect. (see my blog for pics if you don't believe me)
    Am I done? YES! And when you're done, you will truly know you are DONE. My mom always said "You'll never regret the kids you have, but you might regret the ones you didn't have."

    p.s. I am also a frigging celebrity when I go shopping with the 4 boys...EVERYONE goes out of their way to be sooooo nice to me! It's AWESOME!

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  23. I've had children close together in age, and children several years apart, and there are advantages to both. And did I ever feel "done?" Nope. I just knew I was getting too old to keep up with all of you.
    I believe children from big families learn to take turns, wait for what they want, and look after each other....good qualities to have in the world. You and Curtis are wonderful parents, and whatever you decide will work out just fine.

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  24. I want four too. I think I can stand more baby stage (although i seriously am tired of diapers.) And I think I'd like another person in the house. I'm from a family of four kids, my husband 2 kids, and I'm seeing the pluses and minuses from their end. My parents have more children/grand children to have relationships with and love, but have to make choices and can't be everywhere at once (e.g. be here with my for my daughter's birthday, or be at my brother's graduation from college) that my husbands parents rarely have to make as there are only two children/children's families to choose from.

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  25. We had a girl first and then a boy. I still wanted a third. The third was a boy also. I too just assumed that I would have that "done" feeling, but like you I just don't have it yet. I refuse to get my tubes tied, I figure the hubs can have the snip. :) Our baby is 10 months old now and the thought of being pregnant again anytime soon makes me ill. I love having kids, my labors are easy, but pregnancy sucks. I have morning (and noon and night) sickness that reappears throughout the pregnancy, and it's just uncomfortable. It really chaps my hide to see the women that "glow" and enjoy being pregant simply because I was so miserable with each one. (but that's a tangent I shouldn't go on) With all of that being said, I think I would go through it one more time, but I really think 4 would be my limit. People think I'm insane when I mention it, at times I think so too.

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