If there's one thing I hear above anything else, it's "I don't know how you do it." That's in reference, of course, to my ability to handle my three
*And by "handle" I mean only occasionally* wishing I could lock myself into my closet and pretend I'm not home.
*And by "occasionally" I mean only, like, two or three times a day. Tops.
Sometimes (okay, lots of times) I do feel overwhelmed. But I remember feeling overwhelmed when all I had was Colin. I'm pretty sure that no matter how many kids you have - whether you're on your first or your uterus comes equipped with a revolving door - you're gonna feel like you're drowning in them from time to time.
The point of all this is to say that I've had a major case of baby fever lately. Part of me wants to have another child. The other part says, "Four kids? Have you gone mad?" I hate feeling so conflicted about it. I thought when I was done I'd feel done, you know? Like, I'd get a sense of enough-ness (and yes, that is totally a word). A feeling of completion. And yet ... that's missing.
It doesn't help that Curtis is all waffle-y (also a word) about it. See, there was supposed to be a vasectomy in the works when we were done. He himself suggested it, actually. Which I think is only fair since in all my pregnancies combined, I've spent 27 total months of my life lugging around approximately 25 pounds of fetus, gained and lost a grand total of nearly 300 pregnancy pounds (yes, seriously), endured almost 30 hours of labor, and have - three times - squeezed larger-than-average behemoths through my nether regions. Not to mention wrecked my once-smokin' bod. When you think of it that way, a lil' snip-snip at the doctor's office doesn't seem so torturous.
Anyway, from the looks of things, that vasectomy isn't even remotely on the horizon. I even provide reminders, such as running threateningly in the direction of his junk with a pair of scissors. (Kidding.) When I ask him if he wants to have any more kids, most of the time he says no. But when I ask if it's just fear preventing him from having the vasectomy, he says it's because he's not sure he wants to be done having kids. WTF!
I'll be 31 years old in a few months. Coby, my youngest, will be two. I think if I'm going to have another baby, it should be pretty soon, before I get out of the "baby caretaking loop" (and before my chart at the obstetrician's office says "advanced maternal age"). Because I'd hate to be, like, all done with diapers and have the kids be all self-sufficient and then bam - here comes another baby and I'd have to start it all over again.
If I do have another one, I'm worried that it'd be a girl. I don't know what to do with a girl, y'all. Plus - and this is probably my biggest fear - if it IS a girl, I don't want it to seem like we just kept having kids until we finally got a female up in the mix. You know? Like we messed up the first three times but kept trying until we got it right, and then we were done. And that's what people would think. Ugh.
Anyhoo, here's where we get interactive - I need your input. Are you done having kids? Did you just know you were done - is there, like, a feeling I should be getting? Was your partner on the fence about it? What factors did you consider? Did you both agree, or did one say no and that was it?