One Gym Membership, Barely Used


So ... I have this gym membership. I pay like $40 bucks a month or some ridiculous amount. I guess $40 bucks a month isn't that ridiculous for a gym membership ... if you use it. But since I've gone twice in coughthreemonthscough, it's hardly worth the money.

The truth is, I hate being the gym newbie. This particular gym is a 24-hour place, where you get a little key-thingy and have to swipe it over the sensor to unlock the door. Only where other people effortlessly swipe and enter, I always swipe it with the key on the wrong side. Then re-swipe it in a place where the sensor doesn't pick it up. Then fumble and drop it while I'm trying to re-re-swipe. And all this time, the people on the machines - which face the door - are casting sideways glances at me and, in my mind at least, suppressing snickers.

Then I go in and inevitably do something stupid. Like climb on an elliptical machine in an "I do this all the time" manner and put my water bottle in a little hole that looks like it holds a water bottle, only my bottle falls right through. Or get on the treadmill with the high-tech computerized screen and then sit there for twenty minutes while I go through a sequence of pushing the wrong buttons. Or try to adjust the seat on a bike and think I have it latched, only to go sliding forcefully and embarrasingly backwards when I try to pedal.

Not to mention I have this habit of singing out loud to my iPod and not realizing it until, like, someone is looking at me all weird.

I know. If I went to the gym more often, I wouldn't be a newbie any more. But it's ever-so-much easier to stay home and work out with my trusty Wii Fit. Yeah, so it rudely groans "oooph!" when I step onto the balance board (that asshole), and my little Mii character looks like she ate the other Miis for breakfast - but at least I can be fat and uncoordinated in private.


 

Comments

  1. For some reason, I just can't see you giving a rat's ass if someone is looking at you wrong..I think I have you pictured as not giving a damn and letting them know!

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  2. I would laugh so hard at you, and I would point you out to everyone else. Then we would have a contest to nickname you. hohohoho.
    Where is this gym and when are you going again?

    Actually, I would be doing the same things you are and I would be too shy to ask for help and would quit going, and quit paying.

    You are a very attractive woman. I'm surprised the men are not falling over themselves to help you.

    Thanks,
    Greg

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  3. ohhhh i SO know what you mean about the eliptical!! lol...and the description of your mii almost made me piddle. if it makes you feel any better i've gone twice in the last 5 months!

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  4. A-men. My mii looks at me like,"Are you f*cking kidding me right now?"
    Stupid exercise.

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  5. The wii fit is so rude! I had it yell "You won't get in shape by doing that!" I stopped doing pushups because I was weak and couldn't handle it. Anyway I had to go to the gym because my 3 kids don't nap at the same time. Only time to get my workout in... Now I just have to GO

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  6. Really? The Wii does that? How stinkin' rude! I thought I wanted one, but now I'm not so sure. Those machines at the gym confuse the heck out of me too.

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  7. I'm laughing at your mii. Mine is currently in a coma from non-use.

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  8. It's the 7th day of the New Year, and I've yet to exercise. I don't do the gym membership, because it will go UNUSED!

    When Wal-Mart gets a new shipment in, I'm getting the EA Active, for Wii. And my mii, is skinny, like I will be!

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  9. I know the feeling about the Wii fit. Mine looks like it ate everyone else too and looks even bigger standing next to my 4-year old's skinny one. Not to mention when you are doing the body test it yells "OBESE" at you loud enough I know the neighbors 3 houses down heard it. My new nickname for it is "bitch".

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  10. I have a hard time with my Mii too, but it a lot better than those 65 pound 18-year-olds starting and tub-o me climb up on those machines. I hate the gym, the only time in my life that I ever didn't mind the gym was after Morgan was born and I was 110 lbs - the only time in my life I haven't NEEDED to go to a gym.

    My fat little Mii is getting thinner though, it still has 17.5 lbs to get to my 3 month goal weight. I am determined, but boy, do I ever miss food!

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  11. UGH!!! the gym! it is not for everyone!

    i have joined gyms TWICE. the first place i worked out ONE TIME IN A WHOLE YEAR, and was furious at the whole experience since a douchebag dude gave me a rough time, so i never went back. the second membership was done on-line, and i went ONE TIME IN A WHOLE YEAR, and didn't even make it indoors. the parking/neighborhood was so scary that i decided not to go. i am better off working out alone or at home. no shame in that! ;)

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  12. I use to go to a gym but now that I have a treadmill I am staying home to work out. I always feel so clumsy and awkward at the gym.

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  13. Love your blog! Left you an award on mine. http://pleasestickitinthefridge.blogspot.com/

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  14. I know exactly what you mean! Our gym also has a "women's only" section so those working out at night who don't want to be in with a bunch of strange men can slip in there - IF you can get the electronic key to work! I have an entire gym at home (pretty much); it becons and I say, "Sure, sure, just a minute" while holding up one finger. Does that count?

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  15. My Wii Fit Board makes that some noise, and I'm like, "Oh, come on!" LOL Sometimes it says, "Great!", though... haha

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  16. I finally sold the damn Wii, because it was mocking me.

    And the gym membership, well- I'm the one that gets going too fast on the elliptical and farts accidentally. So yeah, I am just supporting the gym financially, from a distance.

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  17. I find that if you can force yourself to go often enough, you see results. Once you see that change - you're suddenly keen to go. It's like your drug because of what it does to you.

    That said, I have to go to aerobics classes, because they have a set starting time and someone else there to motivate me. I can't self motivate, otherwise I end up jogging on the treadmill watching murder she wrote on the tv wall for half an hour, then excusing myself because I didn't get there early enough to fit a workout in before school pick up time.

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  18. You just made me want a Wii Fit even more because that oomph! That would be total motivation for me to kick it's ass! Oh and it took a pregnancy for me to cancel the gym that I wasn't going to (I needed a good excuse!)

    I included you in my Sunday Funnies: http://tinyurl.com/yhub64y

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  19. Sh*t. What do you do when your Wii Fit gets the same amount of use as your gym membership? I'm screwed.

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  20. Ours has been frozen for 2 years. So pitiful.

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  21. This, seriously, is hilarious! I relate SOOO well. I have wasted oodles of money on gym memberships I do not use. My husband finally got me the Wii Fit (which I do love-but don't use nearly as much as I should). And I also think, "asshole!" every time I get on and it groans at me. At least it's just a robot and not a real person laughing at me though! I def. take it over the gym...at least until I am a size 2!

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