Dear Immune System ...
Dear Immune System,
I understand the need for a vacation. I totally do. But to leave me vulnerable and ill right now, when the husband is working a weird shift for 23 days straight? Not cool, Immune System. Not cool at all.
Let me remind you that this isn't the first time you've skipped out on me. In fact, because of your lackadaisical approach to your duties, I spent 3/4 of my childhood hopped up on Amoxicillin. But I overlooked all that because for most of my adulthood, you've done what you're supposed to do. I don't get sick very often these days, and that's a good thing.
Right now, though, is a different matter. For you to go packing just as the Stomach Virus from Hell and the Horrible Cold invade my entire household? That's just wrong. And it's even more insulting that you took your little friends, a.k.a. my children's immune systems, with you on your poorly-timed sabbatical. Do you think I don't have anything better to do than clean up three little boys' barf and (extra) poop? Do you think I want to do all that when my head feels like it's going to explode from sinus pressure and my throat feels like it's lined with sandpaper?
To take a little leave of absence is one thing, Immune System, but to stay gone long enough to allow the Horrible Cold to invade the children is just ludicrous. I may no longer be doing eight loads of vomit-soaked laundry a day, but now I'm dealing with three runny noses and sore throats (and the accompanying crankiness, which is probably worse than everything else). All while feeling like crap myself, because YOU, Immune System, decided to quit protecting me with no prior notice.
So I'm calling you out. I suggest you get your low-functioning act together and start doing what you're supposed to do: keeping me from getting sick. And bring my kids' immune systems back too, because I can't afford any more damn Kleenexes.
Your Super-Tolerant Employer,
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