Porch Profanity

I may have stood on my front porch the other night and kind of yelled a profanity-laced sentence at the top of my lungs. And I hope my neighbors don't hate me for it.

In my defense, I had a good reason. No: it wasn't that I finally went crazy over the sheer volume of poop I'm forced to deal with on the daily (although that kind of breakdown seems inevitable). Let me set it up for you.

It was about 9:15 pm, and I had just finished putting my kids to bed. Their bedtime is usually 8:30 - and I'm pretty strict about that - but it's so hard to get them in sleepytime-mode when it's still light outside. By 9, though, it's sufficiently dark. I was just preparing to leave their bedroom when I heard the ding-dong of the doorbell. Just once.

My first thought: WTF? Who could be here at this hour?
My second thought: That doorbell-ringing fool better not wake my kids.
My third thought: Damn. Curtis is already in bed. That means I have to answer the door in my effin' pajamas.

While I was thinking all this, I was slowly making my way toward the door. Out of the boys' room, down the hall, down the stairs to the landing. Our front door is flanked by two tall, skinny windows, so before I opened it I peeped out to see who I'd be griping at for coming by so late.

There was nobody there.

But y'all know doorbells don't ring themselves, so I stood at the window and looked into the darkness as hard as I could. I didn't see anything. Not a soul. Not a leaf stirring. I must've stood there for a minute and a half, just staring out. Everything looked normal, so I turned to go back up the stairs.

The dog was sitting there, and I thought, "While I'm down here I might as well take Josie out to potty." So I called her to me and leashed her up. Then I opened the front door.

The moment I stepped outside, I heard noises beneath my feet - which was startling in itself. What was even more startling was when what appeared to be three fully-grown men hurtled their way out from where they'd been hiding underneath my porch. They ran as fast as they could toward a getaway car which was parked unassumingly in front of my next-door neighbors' house, its lights off.

I could have shrieked like a scared little girl. I could have burst into tears on the spot. And truthfully, I was frightened enough in that split-second to realistically do either one of those things. But in addition to being frightened, I was also angry. And so while the interlopers fled across my yard to their escape, I bellowed at the top of my lungs the first thing that came to mind:

"Get the F#%! out from under my porch, you a$$holes!"

And then I held up my phone, which I had conveniently decided to bring outside with me, and pretended to punch in some numbers. "I'm calling the cops!" I screamed. "I've got your license plate number!"


I'm surprised nobody called the cops on me, really, for standing outside making a racket. It was a nice night, and I swear every single window in the neighborhood was open. And it was only 9:15, so I'm betting most of my neighbors were still awake. Of course they hadn't seen what had gone down under the porch, so they probably think I'm this crazy lunatic who stands outside and cusses. Or that I was having some vicious fight with my husband (which probably fits in with their suspicion that he's a slave-driving tyrant who makes me mow). Either way, I'm sure everyone's opinion of me has gone down a couple of notches.

But I was just protecting my turf, y'all. And what was I supposed to say? They trampled my flowers. 



Comments

  1. First of all, you are a wayyy nicer Mom than I. My kids bedtime is 7:30, 'cause Mama needs her alone time.

    That being said.....I think I would have peed my pants RIGHT then and there if 3 men jumped out from under my FEET! HELLO, that is freaking scarey! Who cares what neighbors think of a swearing tirade, I'm just glad they didn't jump up and attack you. And damn them for trampling your flowers. Downright RUDE!

    ReplyDelete
  2. That would scare the crap out of me, too!

    ReplyDelete
  3. This totally makes me LOL - I so wish I could have heard you scream that!!! But in all seriousness - SCARY!!! Especially this day and age! Thank God they ran off!

    ReplyDelete
  4. This is the second time someone has done this, maybe you should file a police report. and set up a security camera to get pictures of those A-holes

    ReplyDelete
  5. What the heck? And they were ADULTS? WTF!?!?!?!

    ReplyDelete
  6. wow, that would have scared the shit out of me. And good for you for yelling at them!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. My scream? Still would've been echoing. Also, my dogs would've gone absolutely ape-shit crazy. The flowers would've been the last straw.

    A-holes!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'd have done the same as you. And probably added more curse words since apparently I can have rage issues.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I would have done the same thing you did except in neighbor hood I think would expect to hear that from me lol.

    ReplyDelete
  10. ohmyLORD! i'd say you handled it well!

    just TWO nights ago, somebody knocked on my front door at 10:30 pm. i was up watching tv, so i looked out the window of the door, and the creepy man said he was the PLUMBER. i shook my head at him (MEANING: NO FUCKING WAY AM I OPENING THIS DOOR), shut out all the lights and called my neighbor. what the FUCK. turns out my cockknocker landlord had called him and they started working OUTSIDE MY BEDROOM WINDOW at 10:30 pm. until about 11pm, which shot my sleeping all to hell. AGGRAVATING.

    ReplyDelete
  11. well that's creepy. Maybe they were casing the joint and rang the bell to see if anybody was home before they broke down the door?? spooky. I'd fill in that opening with cement to be on the safe side ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  12. That's actually really effin scary. WTF were they doing under there? I would have totally done the same thing.

    I've never blogged about the time I went bat-sh*t at some people who parked IN OUR YARD FOR 2 HOURS. I stewed about it until they decided to come out from the football game and get in their car. Then they told me it was an emergency and they had to park here. To which I replied, "A FOOTBALL GAME IS NOT AN EMERGENCY!"

    We ended up with the cops in our yard, along with a car.

    Okay.. .that's not at all the same. Except that our neighbors think I'm one rampage short of a padded cell. But, no one has parked on our lawn since. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  13. Maybe it was your neighbors. Ever think about that? They might have been bored and figured a little ring and run fun was in order.

    No, seriously. It is amazing how our bad ass skills come out. I was bicycling one day down a local road and it was almost dark. A blue truck came by really slowly and the driver was leering at me. Then he turned around and drove up on to the grass where I was biking. I freakin' stopped my bike wrapped my legs through the bike, (hard to grab you that way) and started screaming my fool head off with a threat, "DON'T YOU EVEN TRY IT MOTHERF***R! DON'T YOU DARE COME A STEP CLOSER!" Wouldn't you know, that guy sped off! Bad Ass really does work.

    ReplyDelete
  14. What kind of grown men ding dong ditch!? What kind of KIDS do that nowadays?? That would have scared the heck out of me to see several men under my porch! it's funny that they ran away though.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Those mother 'effers deserved way more than that.

    ReplyDelete
  16. That's my girl! I would have done the same thing (except probably with more profanity), but I'm pretty sure I would have peed my pants a little at the same time! LOL

    ReplyDelete
  17. This was the perfect blog to read after a long absence! Sooo funny and similar to what my mother yelled when she encountered someone crawling through our kitchen window one night 20 years ago! That's something I've never forgotten, so if your kids heard you, that could've been an influential moment in some way!

    ReplyDelete
  18. DUDE! what a bunch of effers! i can't believe GROWN friggin men did that!! but i'm glad you handled it with such grace and poise :)

    ReplyDelete
  19. Seriously! That's scary. I totally would have called the cops, if only for them to keep an eye on the neighborhood for a while!

    ReplyDelete
  20. I'd have started yelling too! But I have to say I'd have loved to see you out there screaming profanities at them! LOL

    ReplyDelete
  21. What the hell were they doing??? That is awful! Hold me back, I'd do the same thing. I would feel in a murderous mood! My husband always fears the poor ridiculous soul that rings our doorbell when our little maniac is sleeping. F***ers.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Hmmm - cell phone? Picture of car and interlopers? CALL THE COPS???? No one tramps on MY flowers! That was just nuts! What the heck were they doing??

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Commenting makes you big and strong! Okay, maybe just strong. Okay, so it's only your fingers. But still ...

Popular Posts