Dear House ...

Dear House,

I think there are a few things we need to get straight. I appreciate you providing my family with warmth and shelter and all, but, well, we pay for that so it's kind of your job. Despite the fact that you essentially do what you're supposed to do, I have a little bit of an issue.

It's your personal hygeine.

The thing is ... I just cleaned you, like, last week. I spent an entire day dusting and mopping and spraying and wiping and scrubbing and buffing and vacuuming. It made me tired. I broke two nails. My hair got all frizzy. In short, I worked really hard.

Fast-forward just a few days, though, and here we are: you, looking like a hot mess - like you haven't been touched in months - and me, frustrated.

Now House. I know you don't have much better to do than just sit here, but just because it's boring being a house doesn't mean you need to pass the time by effing with the owners. It's not funny to keep re-dirtying yourself, or, like, otherwise deteriorating. Your front porch, for example. I spent for-freaking-ever repainting it last summer, yet it's chipping like a two-dollar manicure as we speak.

I realize it's my duty to help you out and keep you looking tip-top, but seriously, House, do me a solid and maintain a little bit. When you're clean, stay clean for longer than 24 hours, k? Because I'd actually enjoy sprucing you up a lot more if I could wait a little bit longer in between. (You're in good company with your friend Grass, who will be recieving a similar talking-to very soon.)

I'm going to be cleaning you today. Keep this conversation in mind, pleaseandthankyou.

Your Owner,   


  1. Haha. I hear you. Can I copy and paste this in a letter to my own house? I had 2 hours to MYSELF Tuesday night and what did I do with it? Cleaned from top to bottom. Guess what? You can't tell.

  2. My house has given up. Its can't stay clean no matter how hard it tries.

  3. At least you can assume that having three boys has something to do with it. My house has no excuse....two old people can't POSSIBLY cause that much dust! Every time I sit down to watch TV, I'm aware of the huge amount of dust that seems to accumulate on the entertainment center. No matter how often I clean it, there's enough dust to write your name the next day! Is there a "dust fairy?"......'cause I'm gonna shoot her!

  4. Wow! I love, love, did I say LOVE this post? Totally, could be used by anyone at any given time!

    Especially by me!


  5. Amen. Me and my house we actually having a "chat" this morning as well. We included the weather. It was similar to:

    Dear House,
    We would fix the freakin' roof if you promise to make it the only leak we need to fix. And can you talk to your dear friend, Mr. Weather, to tell him we can't fix the leak until the rain stops...for more than five minutes.

  6. Oh my gosh. I so relate to this. And there are only 2 of us! How can our house even get so dirty? How old do your kids have to be before you can make them clean the house. Will that ever happen? I'm holding out hope.

  7. I think the fact that you live with four males makes this mission impossible. Sorry. :-)

    At least you know it's not you.

    ~ Jenna

  8. FOR REAL!! If I didn't have clutter ocd, I swear I'd just say screw it and let it continue to dirty and infest itself. Stupid house.

  9. Ha ha ha can you please forward this letter to my house too? seriously there must be some communication error here..

  10. Cute letter to your house! Sounds like something I write to mine everyday. I am learning that it's pointless to keep up a house with a baby and a toddler! It's tough!!!


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