The Burglar Bungle

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Because my eyes fly open at the tiniest sound - be it a snuffle, snore, wheeze, vibration, or flatulence - it was no surprise when, at about 2 o'clock this morning, I woke with a start. Because I thought I heard something that alarmed me. Unlike most of the other sounds that awaken me at night, this was one I couldn't readily identify: a short series of muffled thumps coming from somewhere in the house ... maybe two or three in a row. Had I dreamed it? Eyes wide open, I froze on my pillow and stared intently into the darkness, listening.

Then I heard it again. Thump. It wasn't coming from the boys' room. Was it downstairs, maybe? Our lab, Josie, let out a little "woof" from the floor beside our bed, which was how I knew for sure it wasn't my imagination.

"Curtis," I breathed, poking him. He answered with a snore. If you've been reading me for long, you've heard me complain about not only his snoring, but about the fact that he's a totally heavy sleeper. I could literally hire a marching band to parade through our bedroom and he'd saw logs through the whole thing.

"Curtis," I hissed, a little more loudly, right in his ear. I squeezed his arm. He woke up, thank goodness (and he's lucky because the next squeeze would've been somewhere more ... ahem ... sensitive).

"What's wrong?" he mumbled sleepily.

"I heard a noise," I said as softly as I could. "... Listen."

And sure enough, after a few seconds, there it was again: thump. Thump. Soft, distant, muted, but distinct.

Curtis got out of bed and hovered at the doorway of our bedroom, peering into the nothingness of the hall. Before too long, he turned and went into our bathroom. "What are you doing?" I whispered.

Behind the half-closed door, the light flicked on. "Putting in my contacts," he whispered back.

Seriously? There was an intruder in our house somewhere, preparing to rob us or worse, and he's in there fumbling with contact lenses? But he had a point: I couldn't see, either. So I rummaged through the bathroom drawer for my glasses.

When we both had our corrective eyewear in place, we resumed our not-very-sneaky sneaking up on the burglar, who was probably on his way out with half of our possessions by now.

We crept down the hallway in the dark.

"If there's somebody in the house, how come the alarm didn't go off?" Curtis said quietly.

"Shhh! I don't know! It's a burglar. They're used to disarming alarms."

"Then how come the dogs didn't bark?"

"Shhhhhhh!" I rolled my eyes and prodded him forward. "Would you just hush and look? We're not exactly being stealthy here."

We came to the kitchen, and there it was, louder: thump.

At which point my head swiveled toward the top of the refrigerator, and I saw our pesky cat Thurman perched there, illuminated by the moonlight from the kitchen window. He'd been trying to get into the cabinets above the fridge - the ones that I can't even reach without a chair. Thump, thump went the door as he tried to nudge it open with his nose and paws.

"Meow?" he asked innocently. Blink. Blink.

Why do cats have to act so crazy at night?

Mystery solved, we headed back to bed. It's a good thing it wasn't an actual intruder because, y'all? We had to pause for corrective eyewear. One of our "watchdogs" barely barked, and the other slept right through everything.

Curtis wants to buy a gun. I think I'll let him.


  1. My cat doesn't open cabinets, but she does knock over boxes, picture frames, and scratch the hell out of my feet while I'm sleeping.

    I hate cats.

  2. Damn freaking cats. I'm the same way - I wake at the slightest thing ever since I had a kid. Used to be, I slept like the dead.

  3. I have never commented before, but this post is hilarious. We have 2 cats, and 1 of them can fit on top of the air ducts in the basement, so I am awakend often to a thump, thump, thump. Only to find its a cat and not a burglar waiting in the basement for me to come for the laundry!

  4. Love that you used a crow bar as the pic for this post. We also have one under our bed for "protection". Kudos to you for going to investigate with your husband. I always send mine alone and hide under the covers, thinking about ways I could use the baby to break my fall if I have to bail out the window.

  5. I think having glasses close to your bed would be a more logical descision over getting a gun. I'm just thinking that glasses would be much more useful. LOL! :)

  6. Maybe Curtis needs a pair of glasses too lol. And I firmly believe in owning a gun of some sort. I have one that I keep next to my bed!!

  7. Corrective eyewear, LOL!!! that is hilarious. But I know what you mean - I am a very light sleeper too... good thing you caught your intruder :)

  8. I vote for glasses and a crowbar. Guns are too dangerous around all those little boys!

  9. with two dogs and two cats, a burglar would have to kick in the door before a sound would concern us. lol

  10. If I heard a *thump* in the night my first thought would be of the movie Paranormal Activity....that stupid movie scarred me for life haha.

  11. Years ago I woke up to a couple of teenagers trying to steal the wheels off of my Jeep.

    The dog slept through the whole thing.

  12. i think u should get some type of potection babeball bat, another dog that will bark at anything lol!!!!


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