Making Up is Hard to Do

My first attempt at wearing makeup was for my seventh-grade school picture. I was veeeery heavy-handed with the eyeliner on my lower lids, crazy underaged hooker-style. And unfortunately I was so intent on (poorly) applying my cosmetics that I totally neglected my hair and didn't notice it sticking up, so the resulting photo was pretty much just me looking like a hot mess. (In a magenta-and-teal silk shirt ... aw yeah.)

At the time, though, I was proud of my mad makeup skillz. From that moment on, I was hooked on the stuff. If it made my lips look plumper, my eyes look bigger, my lashes look fuller, or my cheekbones look more sculpted, I snatched it up and slathered it on. I did eventually get better at the application - so much that I became the go-to girl for special occasion makeovers. When I got older, I even sold Mary Kay for a while. And at any given time, you could find at least ten bazillion different beauty products in my makeup bag.*

*Ten bazillion is a rough estimation.

I'm sure my love of makeup is partially due to the fact that I'm the offspring of a woman who is always, I repeat always, in full cosmetic regalia. My mom won't go to the mailbox without her makeup on. It drives me nuts to go shopping with her because after she looks around for a parking space, she sits there for twenty extra minutes while she meticulously lines her lips, fills them in with lipstick, blots, and glosses. And for a long time, I was like that too. Catch me at the store sans face paint? Never. At least not in those days.

But now, I'm au natural more often than not. It isn't that I don't love beauty products - I do. I just don't love my beauty products. Why? Because they look like this. Behold, my actual makeup. My foundation, complete with smudgy mirror and ripped-in-half, why-do-I-even-still-bother-to-use-it sponge:


My eyeliner, broken down to the last nubby bit and missing the smudgy part at the end:


And my eye shadow, which is pretty much obliterated:


It is NO FUN to make yourself up when your cosmetics look like something you picked out of someone's trash, y'all. And why, you ask, does my makeup look like this?

My boys. My rotten, stinking, sticky-fingered boys.

You see, my bathroom is laid out in such a way that there's pretty much only one place I can keep my makeup, and that's in a drawer they can reach. One of their favorite pastimes is going in there while Curtis is on the toilet and "giving him a haircut" with my eyelash curler. That obviously involves rummaging through my makeup drawer (while their father, oblivious in a way that only fathers can be, plays with his iPhone and procrasti-poops until his legs fall asleep). It never fails: I think they're all just back there playing or something and the next thing I know, I'm washing concealer out of my blush brush (the single remaining brush from my now-lost set, that is).

It isn't easy to do a good job applying makeup when every-damn-thing in the drawer is coated with a dusting of crushed black eyeshadow. I literally have to wipe down each thing before I use it, so that I don't end up with shadowy smudges all over my face. Sometimes I get so frustrated and I'm all ...


... in like a really shrieky voice.

I've got to come up with a better solution for storage. And, like, $500 for all new makeup. And maybe some other things for the kids to do during Daddy's toilet time.

Eh. Looks like I'll be using my crappy, crumbly cosmetics for a while.


Comments

  1. I have way more makeup then I ever need to wear, and it's all because I like Clinique products, and then only ever buy stuff that I need when it's "bonus time" and yay, free mini versions of makeup! Thanks to that, I have about 37 mini mascara bottles. Who on earth goes through that much mascara? I wear it once a month if that.

    But then again, I have the luxury of a high-up shelf, and older children who are scared of the wrath of mummy, should they do something so naughty as desecrate my makeup!

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  2. i'll join you in the shrieking.

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  3. I can't believe he lets them in the bathroom. David locks the door the second he goes in there and just lets the kids scream. That said, when I was out of town a couple of weekends ago the Bud was in there with him while he was taking a shower. Bud stood on his tippy toes and managed to get a tube of liquid makeup I had and smeared it all over himself and the cabinet. Luckily it was old and not something I use. Now I have to remember to push everything back so he can't get to it.

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  4. MAN, that looks like my make-up bag!! Let's go rob a bank and get new stuff, kay?! (Also, hang in there!!)

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  5. Poor you! Hey - Mother's Day is coming up. Maybe they can get you a gift certificate to your favourite make-up place to "make up" (get it?!) for wrecking your old stuff.

    Also - I have an extra lipgloss I'd be willing to send you.

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  6. I'm so that person that could/would NEVER leave the house for even a a nano second without makeup. I've come a long way baby. I've actually gone to the store in pajamas and no make up. But, I still do put it on every day, mostly 'cause I can't stand the way I look without it. Bummer about your makeup getting destroyed. I have mine all in a caboodle (yep i said it) that my kids can't figure out how to open, therefore keeping it safe for the time being. Anyway, good post, I enjoyed it.

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  7. Hide that makeup!! Put it somewhere in the back of your closet or something! Or in a clothes drawer or somewhere they are not interested in looking. And you don't have to buy expensive makeup. You could get mascara for about $5.00, a eyeliner for another $4.00, some eye shadow for about $6.00...basically everything you need you can get at Target for $2.00- $12.00 or so. Go do some shopping and then hide it!!

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  8. Procrasti-poops!!! OMG, I think I may laugh the ret of the day on that! Seriously! Funniest thing I have heard in a long time! My hubby does the same thing!

    As far as make-up...check out AVON.com. I just got some new make up from there. If you check the stuff on sale, you can get a lot for VERY little dough and a lot of times they have free shipping!

    Good luck keeping kiddos out of stuff. If you figure it out, let me know!

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  9. Girl, you need some new make-up. Maybe we could set up a fund. A "Get Rita Some Make-up" Fund.

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  10. I'm not sure what's worse, that or 3 teenaged girls who can't seem to keep their sticky fingers out of my makeup. They have their own, but my eyeshadow, lip gloss, every freakin' think is what they covet. And then there's my shoes, my clothes. It is MADNESS, I say!

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  11. I'm not sure what's worse, that, or 3 teenaged girls who steal all my makeup even though they have their own. And then there's my clothes, shoes and every freakin other thing I own. It is MADNESS!

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  12. My daughters always seem to grab- and ruin- my MAC and Channel lip sticks- they never grab the Revlon stuff ... and yea, I too LOVE makeup!

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  13. OMG...you are so funny...procrasti-poop! My hubby does the same thing. Sometimes I have to go and check on him to make sure he didn't get swallowed by the toilet. My boys love to play in our bathroom too, but at least they stick to brushes, so far....

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  14. I have the SAME EXACT problem! LOL! Don't you just love our stinking-cute BOYS?

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  15. LOL, you're description of me is just about right, I must admit! You wouldn't understand about that, however, because you have brown eyes and dark hair. Those of us with pale eyes and hair just disappear without makeup! I remember when you girls were at home and Amy & I would have to "fix" our faces before we'd even go to garage sales!

    You definitely need to get some new makeup and put it up high in your bedroom closet. Moms should be allowed to have stuff that NOBODY else can touch! :o)

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  16. Omg, you had hooker eyeliner on your bottom lids in your 7th grade picture, too?! I can't look at that picture to this day without shuddering, it overpowers everything else in the picture!

    My makeup looks about that beat up too, but uh... I don't have a good reason like 3 small boys who destroyed it, just my own darn clumsiness. But in my defense, when you have to put your makeup on at 4:30AM, how can you NOT drop it? :)

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  17. HA! I am laughing out loud because like you mother my mom and grandmother can't live the house with out makeup and more importantly without "color" on the lips! We are from the South and they are as southern belles as you can get! Anyway, stopping by from SITS and LOVE the blog. Signed up to follow you because you just make me laugh and boy do I need that on some days! Hope to keep in touch. Come and stop by if you get the chance for some good recipes for the family! http://kitchenbelleicious.blogspot.com

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  18. hate to tell you, but having a girl makes it worse! whenever I did get something nice, she stole it or ruined it! I am so happy to have my make up to myself again!

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  19. All my make up has been has finger digs in it from my 7 year old daughter. She likes secret makeovers.

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  20. Then she will use all my brushes in the wrong thing and when I go to use them I look like Cruela Devillle.....that is always fun on a morning when I am running late

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  21. OMG to your pictures.....I'll bring ALL my makeup when I come up next weekend & pass some on to ya! Seeing those pics makes me sad for you.....only b/c I'm such a products whore & can't say no! LOL

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  22. I totally wore a silk shirt in my 7th grade school picture, too. Let's hope those NEVER come back into style.

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  23. Now you have to scan that 7th grade picture and let us all bask in its gorgeousness! I can't say much about the procrasti-pooping, because I'm as guilty of doing it as my dear husband...

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