Crappy Wrapping

Back in the day, if my Friday stretched into the wee hours of Saturday morning, that meant I was out having a good time. On a dance floor somewhere. Wearing cute shoes. With a drink in my hand.

Fast-forward to present-day. Last night was a late night, but had nothing to do with dancing or drinking. Instead, I was looking especially dumpy in my "fat-girl pants" and a black tank top (braless, so I had to take care not to sit on my boobs). Sitting in the middle of my living room floor surrounded by a sea of crumpled gift wrap, with Scotch tape stuck to my body in various places.

I'm not a good gift-wrapper, y'all. My grandma Collier, who worked for a few years as a professional gift-wrapper at a posh department store, would roll over in her grave if she could see the clumsy, wrinkled lumps that will be sitting under my tree come Christmas morning. Although in my defense, I think Grandma worked at a time when stuff came in, like, regular boxes ... and now it's a different story. Because seriously? Who the heck decided it was an awesome idea to put toys in packaging like this?

Note the open front of the box? Yeah. It's hard to wrap. I know, I know ... I can hear you saying it now ... "Well, that's why you put them inside other boxes." And I swear, I save so many empty boxes "just in case" that my closet looks like a hoarder has taken up residence in there. But conveniently, NONE OF THEM happened to fit ANY of the gifts I was wrapping last night. Which means - you guessed it - crappily wrapped packages. Like this:

Sadly, that's not even the worst example.

I mean, I know they're just going to get ripped open and the kids won't even care about the paper. (Except the baby ... I guarantee he'll spend more time playing with the wrapping than the present inside, as all babies do.) But still. It bugs the hell out of my inner Martha Stewart, who I wish would shut the eff up and accept my shoddy wrapping and lackluster Christmas tree. Which now, by the way, looks like this:

Oh Christ-mas tree, oh Christ-mas treeeee, how jacked-up are your braaaan-ches ...

I have visions of a picture-perfect holiday scene. But I also have three high-energy boys, a barely-grown Labrador Retriever, and cats who will hide in any crevice that looks big enough to squeeze their furry behinds into - a circumstance which serves to plow through my pristine Christmas vision like a bull through a china closet.

The wrecked tree, the rumpled gifts ... think I should just burn some sugar cookies and add a wilted poinsettia to complete the scene?



  1. I'm so sorry, Rita, but I had to laugh out loud at your tree. I thought it was a challenge keeping the pugs away from our trees. Kids are a different thing entirely.

    And, I'm a horrible gift wrapper, too. I don't buy tons of gifts, so this year I am transitioning to fabric gift wrap - either drawstring bags or tied in a knot at the top. That way I don't have to mess with tape and scissors. ;) When kiddos come, I'm sure I'll ahve to go back.

  2. LOL LOL LOL! what a great post. This really cracks me up! You made so many great points that I cannot even begin to say what the best part was. But really? A wilted poinsettia and burned cookies would totally complete the scene!!

  3. I always hope that people think my crappy gift wrapping is cute, like a child did it. Unfortunately, I don't think that trick will work on your sons...

  4. Your tree is hilarious. I have to come downstairs everymorning and put the orniments back on the tree that the cat knocked off during trhe night. Bad wrapping skills run in my family. Its so bad my dad usually gives me my little sisters gifts to wrap, and gives my sister my gifts to wrap.

  5. Sorry, honey. You inherited you lack of gift-wrapping skills from me! Your Grandma Collier would be totally embarassed by our efforts, I'm sure, but she would also say, "It's the thought that counts." ;o) That's why this year everything I give will be in decorative bags. However, the boys won't notice as they enjoy ripping into the paper wrapping, and that's part of the fun!

  6. Oh the tree...the treeeeeee! That is quite possibly the saddest little wreck I've ever seen. And I only say that because I saw the before when it was all lovely. Bless your heart.

    As for gift wrapping, I do agree, it IS trickier to wrap the retarded boxes these days. BUT, I'm sort of ridiculous when it comes to present wrapping. I'm the kind that has little trinkets on the wrapping and all the packages match and have no seems. It's a sickness really. Cause you're the end, it's all ripped open in 2 seconds anyway. i blame my Mom, totally got that from her. She would lock herself in her room for literally the ENTIRE day before Christmas and just wrap, ALL.DAY.LONG

  7. I used to LOVE wrapping presents. What fun to hide yourself away in the bedroom with the Christmas music blaring and singing along while you make each gift perfect and enchanting. Of course, if you try to do that as a mom of small children, you could very likely emerge from the bedroom with the house an epic disaster. Or burning down. These days I totally get made fun of by the in-laws for the haphazard way I wrap. Apparently taking a very long strip and wrapping it around the box a dozen times does NOT constitute a lovely gift. But it DOES prevent little buggers from peeking. Usually. Unless they're really sneaky and take one of their gifts to their room when you're not looking and then bawl their eyes out when you TAKE IT AWAY. Ah. Geez. Don't you love the holidays?

  8. Martha Stewart has nothing on you, unless you count a bad hair cut and prison time. I come here to laugh and you never disappoint! Thank you!

  9. "The wrecked tree, the rumpled gifts ... think I should just burn some sugar cookies and add a wilted poinsettia to complete the scene?"

    And then use that picture for your Christmas cards next year! HA!

  10. Wait... you mean your tree looks like that too?

    Hey, I have an award for you.

  11. Your holiday wrapping (which is remarkably similar to mine, by the way), would fit right in with my family-Christmas-picture-taking debacle. My inner Anne Geddes should get together with your inner Martha Stewart and just leave us alone!

  12. I laughed out loud at your tree and it's "jacked up branches"!

  13. I feel your pain. [But still had to laugh at that jacked up Christmas tree. Um, sorry about that.]

    I got so tired of wrapping one year I just went to bed and my husband ended up finishing. Christmas morning was a cacophony of "Oh [big grin] look Mom wrapped this one." "Hey [sad face] I got one of Dad's." Which ended with the consensus that the kid that received the most presents wrapped by Mom was the favored child.

    This did not go over well with the eldest's [winner!] four younger siblings. heehee

    As for the tree we finally had to break down and go with an artificial tree stuck in a corner as our adopt-a-dog kept licking up all the water in our live trees and destroying them in the process. Have you ever seen a 120 lb "puppy" even try to get under one of those? We almost decided just to decorate him the following year!

    I hope you have an amazing Christmas - and just know that in a few years you won't be wrapping odd shaped boxes because clothes, video games and gift cards all fit in normal boxes ;D


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