Dear Boys: Things You May Not Realize

Dear Boys,

It has come to my attention that you must be confused about a couple of very important things. As your mother, it's my job to set you straight, so I'm writing you this letter.

First: naps. I suppose I've forgotten to tell you that naps are good. In fact, boys, they're great - and you are actually supposed to welcome them. When someone tells you to go to your bed in the middle of the day, snuggle into your fluffy pillow and cozy comforter, and even encourages you to sleep for as long as you can? That, my sons, is a luxury beyond compare. You must not realize this, seeing as you try eight hundred different ways to weasel out of naptime and then resort to whining and flopping around in your bed until you (grudgingly) fall asleep. Maybe when you learn that naps are like THE EPITOME OF AWESOME, you will welcome them instead of being all cranky and irritating irritated when naptime rolls around.

Then, boys, there's the matter of personal grooming that we encountered yesterday. I was trimming your nails and hair; you were howling and thrashing like I was trying to saw off a limb. Without anesthetic. Let me tell you this: it's called a haircut, manicure, and pedicure, and people pay other people to do it for them. You? Are getting it for free. I? Have not had a haircut in over a year and would love to trade places with you. So the next time someone (Mommy) wants to make your grimy claws all neat and tidy, or trim up a few stray ends on those adorable little noggins of yours, you should be grateful and revel in the grooming ritual - not have an epic freakout as if I were coming at you with a hacksaw.

Finally, we come to dining. I need to explain one thing to you: you have a personal chef. You should be happy with this. Do you ever have to make your own meals, boys? ... You don't? ... That's because I cook for you. Three times a day. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Again, this is a service that people actually pay for - a service you're completely taking for granted. What's more, I not only cook for you, I make sure your meals are nutritionally balanced (you know, most of the time). I cut the food up. I blow until I'm on the verge of hyperventilating to cool it. I do all this despite the fact that my own meals (that, coincidentally, I also prepare) are cold and unappetizing by the time I actually get to eat them. Therefore, perhaps you should consider gratefully eating said meals instead of complaining that I wanted ceeeeeeeereal and We had that last weeeeeeeeeek.

Maybe you just don't realize that you're supposed to appreciate these things. Boys, you're being handed amenities - on a silver platter - that I would give my left boob to have. A personal chef, an on-site manicurist and barber, a maid, a chauffeur, a laundry service, and somebody to not only encourage you to nap but rub your backs and read you stories beforehand?! I just described my own fantasy.

You're some lucky little dudes. Realize it. Embrace it.

... You're welcome.



  1. Girlfriend, you are speaking my language....I groom them and cook for them constantly with no thanks! Keep up the good work and making me laugh...

  2. If you get tired of waiting on those ungrateful little rascals, you can come do all that for me! ;o)

  3. It really is funny how our desires change as we age....I remember disliking the idea of naps too, once upon a time.

  4. Seriously.....little ingrates!
    Why don't we ever realize how good we have it until it's too late?

  5. Pure genius....We are soooooooo underpaid.......

  6. Funny post! I would try to coax my son into naptime because we both needed it! Lucky dude!

  7. Can this be your speech for them at their weddings? Nice... HA!

  8. I was laughing and laughing at this! I can so relate, and you described it perfectly. These fits, and thrashing, and flopping - they are not necessary!

  9. You are an amazing writer and always make me laugh. Thank you! You couldn't be more correct about kids. They are obnoxious when it comes to stuff like this. That's why God made them so cute.

  10. Oh, to have a nap! It's amazing how the tables turn...

  11. Genius post! I remember my mother telling my dad that the family couldn't afford her, and since they couldn't, they should at least appreciate her. So true.


Post a Comment

Commenting makes you big and strong! Okay, maybe just strong. Okay, so it's only your fingers. But still ...

Popular Posts