Ho Ho ... Whoa!

Slacker-mom confession time: I didn't take my kids to sit on Santa's lap this year.

I know, I know. I can practically hear your phones dialing Child Protective Services. How dare I make my children miss out on one of our country's best-loved Christmas traditions? But seriously, I've got three kids now. That's, like, a family of near Duggar-esque proportions. (Okay, maybe not - the Duggars are on, what, child number 19?) But still. I've got three kids four years old and under, so sometimes taking them places seems like a monumental task - even with Curtis's help. Getting them all dressed and bundled against the cold, buckling them all into the car, schlepping them to the mall, waiting in a seemingly-infinite line while they whine that they a.) are hungry  b.) are thirsty c.) are tired d.) have to pee, and then paying an arm and a leg for a single photo in which they will most likely be crying ... well, it's not the most ideal scenario.

And I'm all for ideal scenarios.

But you wanna know one of the biggest reasons I didn't take the kids to see Santa?

"Santas" skeeve me out. For real.

It seems like the department-store Santas out there fall into one of two categories: they either sit there like they despise their job and every kid who sits on their red velvety lap, or they're all creepy and pedophile-y. (I'm pretty sure pedophile-y is a word. Look it up.) Either way, they all look like they belong on the Sketchy Santas website.

Don't believe me? Then check out this photo of Colin and Cameron with Santa last year. I may have shown you this before, but damn it, it's a Christmas classic.

Yep: Kris Kringle is flipping me the holiday bird, and I don't mean turkey. Maybe he's mad because Mrs. Claus found out he's been ho-ho-ho-ing around? Whatever the reason, this not-so-jolly old elf is in need of a serious attitude adjustment.

So that's why this year, Santa will quietly make his "appearance" to fill the kids' stockings while they're asleep. They don't need to see him face-to-face to know that he exists. He'll be real enough for them when they wake us up at the crack of dawn on Christmas morning to see what he's left behind.

Let's just hope it's not a lump of coal ...


  1. I can't say I blame you. I don't think I ever took my kids to sit on Santa's lap. It just cost too much and I am a low budget kind of person. I'm sure the kids will be fine!! Merry Christmas!

  2. The price they charge for a picture with Santa is outrageous. I am so glad I found a place last year that was only $7. That's a bargain for a 5X7 compared to what the mall charges!

  3. Wow. It's almost hard to believe he didn't do that on purpose 'cause he'd have had to bend his fingers. Weird! You should have waited for him to get off work, come out the back door then... never mind. This is a family friendly site and blood and guts flying around don't fit in.

  4. Um, wow... I can't believe that Santa! To add to your argument: My boyfriend worked as a photographer for Santa back in high school and said that the Santas tended to show up a tipsy after their breaks!

  5. I really disliked paying $27 for a picture...drove me crazy...until they "elves" gave me coupons to Gymboree that totaled $74 worth of savings. Heck yeah...that then made it way worth it.

  6. The next thing I know, you are going to tell me that Lion King spells "Sex" in dust in one of the scenes. Lay off Santa. I would be giving the bird if I had kids around me all day, too. Yikes.

    Too much?

    Just kidding of course. Everyone knows Santa's just an old man who gets his jollies from kids sitting on his lap. I mean, really, isn't a nice letter enough? ;)

  7. K the holiday bird...is fucking hysterical.

  8. LOL!!! That is the BEST picture EVER! I love it, really I do! Happy Holidays!


  9. heehee! That picture is priceless! Don't feel bad, we'll be passing up Santa's lap, too.

  10. Oh they will fight over who gets to keep that picture when they are older! That's too much.
    I agree, some of those Santas are a bit creepy.

  11. I never wanted to slap Santa until I saw that picture! What a jerk! Anyway, I'm sure the kids won't be traumatized if they don't sit on Santa's lap this year. Maybe Santa will make an appearance at church.

  12. So far, we've had them see Santa every year - as for actually buying the pictures... not so much.

    Hilarious photo~

  13. That picture is priceless. Except it wasn't. I am sure it cost you the arm of your third born son. :-)

    Be prepared to call me #MOMFAIL!! I have not told my daughter about Santa Claus. She knows that the fat guy in the red suit is Santa. But Santa does not make deliveries in this house. Mommy is a single mommy who works very hard for the money to buy the presents that she is able to buy and I want FULL credit.

  14. We don't do Santa at our house. Saves me a lot of money and hassle. Also, in our neighborhood one of the grandpas dresses up like Santa and visits all the kiddos for pictures. It's a pretty sweet deal.


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