Ho Ho ... Whoa!

Slacker-mom confession time: I didn't take my kids to sit on Santa's lap this year.

I know, I know. I can practically hear your phones dialing Child Protective Services. How dare I make my children miss out on one of our country's best-loved Christmas traditions? But seriously, I've got three kids now. That's, like, a family of near Duggar-esque proportions. (Okay, maybe not - the Duggars are on, what, child number 19?) But still. I've got three kids four years old and under, so sometimes taking them places seems like a monumental task - even with Curtis's help. Getting them all dressed and bundled against the cold, buckling them all into the car, schlepping them to the mall, waiting in a seemingly-infinite line while they whine that they a.) are hungry  b.) are thirsty c.) are tired d.) have to pee, and then paying an arm and a leg for a single photo in which they will most likely be crying ... well, it's not the most ideal scenario.

And I'm all for ideal scenarios.

But you wanna know one of the biggest reasons I didn't take the kids to see Santa?

"Santas" skeeve me out. For real.

It seems like the department-store Santas out there fall into one of two categories: they either sit there like they despise their job and every kid who sits on their red velvety lap, or they're all creepy and pedophile-y. (I'm pretty sure pedophile-y is a word. Look it up.) Either way, they all look like they belong on the Sketchy Santas website.

Don't believe me? Then check out this photo of Colin and Cameron with Santa last year. I may have shown you this before, but damn it, it's a Christmas classic.

Yep: Kris Kringle is flipping me the holiday bird, and I don't mean turkey. Maybe he's mad because Mrs. Claus found out he's been ho-ho-ho-ing around? Whatever the reason, this not-so-jolly old elf is in need of a serious attitude adjustment.

So that's why this year, Santa will quietly make his "appearance" to fill the kids' stockings while they're asleep. They don't need to see him face-to-face to know that he exists. He'll be real enough for them when they wake us up at the crack of dawn on Christmas morning to see what he's left behind.

Let's just hope it's not a lump of coal ...