Who Pissed on My Pillow?

Motherhood has a lot to do with cleaning up other people's bodily fluids. I know this. I accept it, even. I've  cleaned certain things off carpet, tile, walls, toys, clothes, and sheets without batting an eye. But when it comes to my pillow ... there are no bodily fluids allowed. (Unless, of course, it's my own drool.)

Yet it seems that some as-yet-unidentified culprit? Has urinated on my effing pillow.


Last night when I went to bed, I noticed that my pillow was on the floor. The kids play in our bedroom all the time so this wasn't surprising. What did surprise me was that when I picked it up, the back of it had a big slightly-damp spot.


Cautiously I brought it up to my nose ... and caught an unmistakable whiff of pee.

... Of PEE!

I absolutely for the life of me cannot imagine who - or what - deemed it necessary to use my pillow as a urinal. It's kind of like the Phantom Pooper I told you about a while back: mysterious. Let's look at the possible suspects:

Curtis - I'm not aware that he harbors any ill will toward me. But if he did, he'd probably just give me the silent treatment or something. I'm pretty sure he knows better than to pee on my pillow.

Colin - Colin is in our bedroom more often than almost anyone else, seeing as the "naughty corner" is located there. And he does sometimes sit on my pillow while doing his time in said naughty corner. But to pee on it? It seems totally out of character. And I think he would have acted more guilty.

Cameron - He's got a thing for whipping off his diaper lately and walking around pantsless (much like his older brother, who I am still trying to break of the naked habit). And he is more inclined than anyone else in the house to just pee where he's standing. But he's rarely in our room unsupervised, and I would think that if he were in there with Colin and peed on the pillow, he would've been tattled on with a quickness.

Andy (the dog) - Andy turns ten this month, but even for an older dog he's still got exceptional bladder control. I don't remember the last time he peed in the house, but I'm almost positive it wasn't him.

Thurman and Ava (the cats) - I know that some cats will pee on bedding when they get pissed (hehe, no pun intended) at their owners. But my cats have no reason to be pissed off - which means my pillow has no reason to be pissed on. 

So there you have it: the list of possible pillow-peeing perpetrators. Coby is the only member of my household not under suspicion. I have questioned each of the others, of course, and - just as I figured - no one knows a thing about it.

And what's worse? I had to SLEEP on it - I discovered it right at bedtime and we have a serious pillow shortage in this house. I turned it over to the other side, which seemed untouched by the pee, but still ... I knew the pee was there ... dangerously close to my face.

A peed-y pillow does not a pleasant dream make, y'all. All night, even in my sleep, I was aware.

You know what I'll be shopping for today: a new pillow. With a waterproof case.


  1. A little bit of my baby's pee leaked on my pillow a week ago. I turned over the pillow and forgot about it. Actually I forgot about it so completely that I still haven't changed the pillow!

    After our baby was born, we quickly decided that pee didn't count as dirt.

  2. good gracious! What a crappy discovery. ew. yuck.
    kids...what the hell?

  3. EWWW! Cat pee reeks of, well, cat pee. You'd have known, so you can prolly rule them totally out, too. Hope you find the culprit or at the very least, that this never happens again. On the bright side, at least it was the easily replaceable pillow, and not the mattress!

  4. Oh no! A phantom piddler! And the fact that it was on the underside of the pillow makes me think perhaps the perpetrator turned it over on purpose, to hide the deed. That sorta leaves out any of the animals, doesn't it? Unless, of course, the guilty party - be it animal or human - peed while on the bed and then knocked the pillow on the floor. Oh, the intrigue!

  5. I would think that if it was cat urine, you would be able to tell, right? Frankly, I think cat urine is the most horrible smell in all the world -- and it seems to have a very distinct odor.

    Either way, piss-filled pillows are no bueno. You're a stronger woman than I for not breaking down and going out shopping right at the moment of discovery!

  6. Ugh. I would have switched with hubby.

  7. Now that's just askin' for trouble...peein on the pillow..what the heck?! Don't know if you checked you're last post for comments..I have posted an award for you on my blog.

  8. Ew, yuck!

    Target has pillows on sale for $6, FYI.

  9. Yuck.

    We've got a mysterious pee-er too. Likes to pee on piles of CLEAN LAUNDRY! Double whammy.


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