Fart-fetched

So I was looking through the archives of an old blog and found this. I wrote it almost exactly a year ago, but its timeless and universal subject matter - the fart - and the invention of a solution for the resulting embarrassment begged revisiting. (Wish I'd had one of these handy when this happened!) Anyway:

For thousands of years, the Chinese have brought us profoundly life-changing inventions. Paper. Noodles. The compass. The toothbrush. And now........


.... a fart silencer.

I came across this little tidbit during my daily orgy of Internet news and thought it was too great not to share. The fart silencer - yes, it's real - was invented in WuHan, China by a dude named ... Big Chicken Mushroom. (Hey, I couldn't make this stuff up.) Anyway, it looks like this:


Apparently you stick this little gem where the sun don't shine, and then fart freely, undetected. Stealthily, if you will. You can even add a perfume-soaked cotton ball to maximize the effect, masking offensive odor and all. ("Wow, is that Chanel No. 5 I smell?") 

But here's the kicker: according to what I read, you're supposed to insert it when you feel a fart coming on. I can see the practicality of this device if you, like, wear it around in there all day - tamponlike - but how practical is it to abruptly stop what you're doing, drop your draws, and shove a tube of plastic up your ass? You're telling me that would be less embarrassing than accidentally letting one rip?

And I'm sorry, but when I need to fart, I need to fart.* No squeezing it back while I attempt to plug the hole.

*Apologies for those whose illusions of me as a proper lady have been shattered. Ah, who am I kidding, no one thinks I'm a proper lady.

I say we could all cheaply and easily make our own fart silencers by purchasing rounded toothbrush cases and punching a couple extra holes ... or if you're more, uh, delicate you could use a more slender apparatus such as a pencil case. Either way, problem solved - farts duly silenced, with no need to export from China. I do like the discreet pastel color choices though ... if only they made them in festive holiday colors as well. ('Cause y'all know how Christmas food can wreak havoc on the ol' digestive system.)

So ... who's rushing right out to buy one?


Comments

  1. OMG! I want one to give my husband as a gag gift. I don't know how he would handle the "drop & pop" part of the usage. But, it would be hilarious to watch him read the instructions! :) Thanks for the laugh!

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  2. That is hilarious! If you can leave the room to go insert this, you could just leave the room to fart instead!

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  3. Oh, oh, oh...pick me, pick (WHOMP) me...damn...too late!!

    ~WM

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  4. Ironic, I have one in every color...is that normal?

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  5. hahahaha. I'm wondering if they come with different hole numbers (like the picture kinda looks like). Different hole numbers for the size of the fart. Hahahaha.

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  6. Yuck!

    I'd be tempted to get it for my husband as a stocking stuffer though.

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  7. It's so BIG!

    (That's what she said.)

    But seriously. How does it fit up there?!?

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  8. Stealthy farting! Now that's ingenius! Add the perfumed cotton ball and you're your own room freshener! LOL

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  9. HOLY CRAP HOW HAVE I NEVER SEEN THIS?!?! this is the perfect secret santa gift! ahahaa! and dude, i'm perfectly open with my gas...i just crop dust my way through target like its nobody's business!

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  10. Ohhh ...soo funny ..I ran across these a while ago too..my husband needs them ..or should I say we need them.....Hey There ..im a new follower..!!Love your blog title nad blog design..!!

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  11. Wow! I don't even know what to say to this. Does it come with lube too? Seriously gross!

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  12. lol!!!! this is funniest thing i've seen for ages!! all men need one of these but having to stop and put it up their arse could be even worse than hearing a fart!!

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  13. This is so funny. I can't imagine using one of these, but to each his own.... Thanks for sharing. I'll be sharing as well. Stopping by from SITS!

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  14. I'll take a few for my son, his farts are deadly!

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  15. Can I use it on the hubs?
    stopping by from SIts

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  16. Leave it to you to come up with this and making me snort my coffee this morning. Although Alpha son would MELT tne thing with his stealth bombs - then where would he be? And HEY - I think you're a propery lady - really!

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  17. i'm interesting in purchasing stock...

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