Fart-fetched

So I was looking through the archives of an old blog and found this. I wrote it almost exactly a year ago, but its timeless and universal subject matter - the fart - and the invention of a solution for the resulting embarrassment begged revisiting. (Wish I'd had one of these handy when this happened!) Anyway:

For thousands of years, the Chinese have brought us profoundly life-changing inventions. Paper. Noodles. The compass. The toothbrush. And now........


.... a fart silencer.

I came across this little tidbit during my daily orgy of Internet news and thought it was too great not to share. The fart silencer - yes, it's real - was invented in WuHan, China by a dude named ... Big Chicken Mushroom. (Hey, I couldn't make this stuff up.) Anyway, it looks like this:

Apparently you stick this little gem where the sun don't shine, and then fart freely, undetected. Stealthily, if you will. You can even add a perfume-soaked cotton ball to maximize the effect, masking offensive odor and all. ("Wow, is that Chanel No. 5 I smell?") 

But here's the kicker: according to what I read, you're supposed to insert it when you feel a fart coming on. I can see the practicality of this device if you, like, wear it around in there all day - tamponlike - but how practical is it to abruptly stop what you're doing, drop your draws, and shove a tube of plastic up your ass? You're telling me that would be less embarrassing than accidentally letting one rip?

And I'm sorry, but when I need to fart, I need to fart.* No squeezing it back while I attempt to plug the hole.

*Apologies for those whose illusions of me as a proper lady have been shattered. Ah, who am I kidding, no one thinks I'm a proper lady.

I say we could all cheaply and easily make our own fart silencers by purchasing rounded toothbrush cases and punching a couple extra holes ... or if you're more, uh, delicate you could use a more slender apparatus such as a pencil case. Either way, problem solved - farts duly silenced, with no need to export from China. I do like the discreet pastel color choices though ... if only they made them in festive holiday colors as well. ('Cause y'all know how Christmas food can wreak havoc on the ol' digestive system.)

So ... who's rushing right out to buy one?