Guy-Stuff Glazeover

I once took my uber-girly friend Denni on a mushroom hunting excursion. For those of you who didn't grow up as country bumpkins, it's where you find mushrooms and shoot 'em.

I'm just kidding. You tromp through the woods until you see this ...

... and then you squeal and pick it and wave it around triumphantly at your hunting companion like, "I found one! In your face!" because it's totally a competition and then while you're doing your victory dance you trip over some mossy log and end up dropping the mushroom and your companion is all, "Ahahahaha, loser."

... Or maybe that's just me.

Anyway, back to the story. It was muddy - like really muddy. And I was glopping around through mudholes like nobody's bidness. But Denni ... she was gingerly skipping her way from dry patch to dry patch, griping the whole way about ruining her shoes. Outdoorsy stuff just isn't her thing. Apparently her last straw was when I blew a snot rocket (if you don't know, you probably don't wanna know). She wrinkled up her nose at me, disgusted.

"You should have been born a boy," she snarked.

It's true, at least in part. That's not the first time someone has said that to me; I think the first was when my future brother-in-law stopped by my parents' house and found me in a treetop. I didn't grow up as a tomboy, exactly, but some of my favorite childhood memories consist of wrestling with my brother Steve (under "stage names" like Big Bald Overalled and Jumpin' Pajama Jesus) and catching frogs from the nearby pond. And still today, I love getting dirty and sweaty. Toilet humor always makes me laugh. And I can spit a loogie further than anyone else I know.

But here's what pisses me off. If my chance of achieving ladylike perfection is gonna be blocked by certain "male-ish" traits, then why can't they at least be the USEFUL ones? You know, like the ones that make you good at working on cars and stuff? Spit and dirt and cussing like a sailor, well, they won't get you very far. A love of tree-climbing doesn't serve adult women in very many capacities. 

When it comes to doing "guy stuff," though, I'm at a loss. When I was in high school, my stepdad made my best friend Betsy and I sit through a lesson on how to change a tire. You know what? I still couldn't change a tire if my life depended on it - and I'm pretty sure Betsy can't either. (Sorry, Baba.) And the umpteen-million times my husband has tried to explain technical stuff to me, like how an engine works, some "ewww guy stuff" part of my brain just glazes over - no matter how interested I am in learning.

It just. Doesn't. Register.

Which is why I don't know what stuff like this does:

Or why I was temporarily baffled when Colin asked me for some "two-part epoxy" (really strong glue ... thanks Google) to hold a broken toy together. See? Even at four, he knows more about such things than I do. And not too long ago, Curtis was talking to my friend Jenna, who does have at least some knowledge of auto mechanics and whatnot. They were discussing something "misfiring on the third cylinder" (?) in her car. I was impressed - and okay, I admit it, a wee bit jealous - at Jenna's guy-stuff skillz. (Especially when, a few minutes later, Curtis congratulated me sincerely for resetting the microwave clock all by myself.) 

I'm not a girly-girl by any stretch of the imagination, but I don't know if I really should've been born a boy. I'd be about as manly as that guy on "Little Miss Perfect" who directs the creepy children's pageants.

I've always wondered what it'd be like to have a penis, though ...  


  1. HA! Don't be jealous ... just be glad that when you date most guys, you don't feel like the man in the relationship because you're more into guns, cars, and the outdoors. That happens. :o'

    I love morel mushroom hunting (but not eating them), learning about how to work on a car, getting dirty in the mud, and more boyish things. Maybe it's because I grew up with a dad who forgets he has a daughter, and having to survive two brothers. However, I wouldn't change it.

    Ask me to deal with a rodent though, and I'm a total girl. :)

  2. Is that some sort of sex toy? I don't know what that is, and I'm a guy. And while I can change a tire, good luck changing oil. Cylinders misfiring? You got me.

    Sounds like you and I are in the same place; you're half way guy and I'm half way woman, meaning I would rather cook or bake or clean the house than cut the damn grass. Or it could be that I'm OCD.

    If you're wondering what it's like to have a penis, you know, they make these strap on things...

    ...don't know if the hubs would be into that or not.

    Just saying.

    Or have I said too much?

  3. Joshua beat me to it. It looks like a sex toy to me too. Interesting that you photographed it to display on your blog. What are you trying to tell us?

  4. I even though I am a very girlie girl, I have wondered what it would be like to have a penis.

    I wonder what walking would be like but I guess that depends on the size. ;)

  5. It'd be nice to have a penis for a day just so I could see what it felt like to pee standing up, outside & not having to worry about how the bathrooms are, or have to pull my pants down, or worry about wiping! LOL And thanks for announcing I'm a girly girl....but hey I can say that I DO know how to change a tire!!! I just wouldn't want to break a nail! LOL XOXO

  6. Swing by...I have an award for you.


  7. You sound a LOT like me. And as far as peni go (thats MY plural for penis - penises is just too heavy on the eses imho)the whole peeing-while-standing thing makes excursions into the wilderness much easier. . .

  8. OMG, I'm so glad I found you, you're FUNNY!! This post made me giggle!! I walk the line between being and extreme girly-girl and climbing trees as well! I like to think it makes me more well-rounded, less two-dimensional! You know, the kind of girl Billy Joel would write song about!

    This was a really enjoyable read, thanks for the laugh!

  9. my first and LAST date with a guy was when he blew a snot rocket. REVOLTING!!! sorry!!!!

  10. Okay, I see others have made the same comment. Rita, that sure does look like something sexual, NOT something only a "boy inclined" person would know. I mean, I was a freakin mechanic for 10 years & that, my dear, looks like something to jump start someone's ***!


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