Boooooooooooooooobs

*Disclaimer: this post is predominantly about breastfeeding. So if you aren't down with a frank discussion about my boobs, how about clicking on over to this post and discussing my leg hair instead?

Have you ever flipped through a National Geographic magazine, or watched a documentary about some sort of tribe, and looked at the women's boobs? Having gone a lifetime without the support of bras, plus nursing multiple babies for extended periods of time, makes their boobs a little - okay, a lot - long. Like, tie-them-up-so-your-knees-don't-knock-against-them-when-you-walk long.

But me? I've been wearing a bra since before I had anything to put in one. So why is it that now, when I take my bra off at the end of the day, it's like I've been storing two rolled-up fire hoses in it? My boobs don't bounce any more. They flop. There's no cleavage any more, but rather a disappointing flat space. Like if you put two pancakes really far apart on the same plate. Now, I never claimed to have a gorgeous set of ta-tas even in their heyday; they've never been what you'd call voluptuous (more like ski-slopey, really) but this is ridiculous.

And I blame it on one thing. Not unsupportive bras, and not even breastfeeding (at least not directly) ... I blame it on Coby and his penchant for what I call "acrobatic nursing."

Coby is sixteen months old now, and still wants to nurse several times a day. For the record, this surprises even me; I never, ever thought I would still be breastfeeding at this point. I have had every problem in the book (mastitis, thrush, low milk supply, and most notably, DMER ), which is why I didn't get very far nursing either Colin or Cameron. But Coby has always been particularly attached to the boob, so we soldiered on and got through all the obstacles, and now it's actually the pleasant experience it's supposed to be.

Well, sometimes. When Coby isn't trying to turn my boob into Stretch Armstrong.

I can actually do everything pictured here. With my breasts.

You see, the older he gets, the more curious he is. You know how toddlers are: they never just wanna sit. They want to climb, look, explore. Although Coby wants to do all these things while he nurses. Which means he'll latch on normally at first, snuggled into my arms ... and then he'll raise his head. And then he'll try to stand up. And then he'll go around the corner to fetch a toy. With my boob clamped firmly into his mouth. And I'm all, "Dude, it's not Silly Putty."


Okay, so I'm exaggerating, but not by much. I swear "the girls" have gotten stretched out enough in the last few months to be suitably used as a yardstick. Tangerines in tube socks, people.

At least if I'm ever caught outside in cold weather, I can use them as earmuffs. And a hat. At the same time.  

15 comments:

  1. bwahahahaha!! I can totally relate...I nursed all 4 dudes...and they wrecked my boobs!! They are sad...so sad! I once was a repectable 'C'...and now I can barely (meaning...not really at all) fill out an 'A'. An 'A' that better have padding, underwire, push-up, and any other "miracle" working devices they fit in!!!

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  2. You are hildarious. Since I only breastfed until my boys were 9 months old (not even really mobile) I can't really blame it on that. So I blame it on everything else: pregnancy, any breast feeding, the economy.

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  3. My boobs are hurting from reading this. But, I've been there. And hide mine in super supportive bras.

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  4. I nursed for kids for less than a year total. Luckily for me, or maybe sadly, you can't lose something you never had.

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  5. This is hilarious!! I can totally relate to the adventures of toddler nursing! And BTW, congrats on continued breastfeeding. I know it's been a struggle, but I'm glad you've been able to keep going!

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  6. Oh how I understand your pain, and mine didn't get this way from nursing (my huge tatas made no milk). But, I NEVER had perky boobs. It's like I woke up one day in FOURTH grade and booya, BOOBIES! Mine always sagged. Then I got hugenormous, as were my boobs. Then I lost 200 lbs. and they literally WERE oranges in a tube sock. THEN I got pregnant and they puffed up again, and then nursed a little, then got pregnant again, nursed a little and well, you get the point. TRAGEDY abounds in my great tracts of land.

    By the by.l.....you are hysterical. This post and the wording was genius.

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  7. ack! this sounds painful! do pushups help? probably not! gah! it is cruel what happens to our bodies with time (and with breast feeding and pulling going on!)!!!! maybe this will end soon and they will bounce back? not literally of course. lol

    p.s. thank you for your sweet comment -- i really appreciate it. :)

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  8. Too funny! Do like I did and start saving for the boob job.

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  9. Ha, ha, ha, ha. I am sorry to hear but what a post. Mine, on the other hand, have shrunk to boy sized. Literally, my two-year-old may have bigger breasts.

    LisaDay

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  10. Teeheeehee I get it. Lorelli moved a lot, too. Especially as she got older. And I nursed her until she was 2. And let me tell you, my boobs definitely don't lie anywhere next to each other when I'm laying down. :(

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  11. Cut that kid OFF! I mean, they ARE yours to live with for the rest of your life, right? Or are you thinking at this point, "What's the difference because they are already beyond help?"

    I feel for you. I gave up nursing #4 when he started getting crazy at 12 months. That was enough for me!

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  12. This might be my favorite one yet!

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  13. Lol! Great post!
    I've been referring to mine as deflated muffins because when I lay on my back...well, it looks like it would if you baked muffins half-way and poked the tops in. Nobody told me that by nursing my boobs would be saggy, limp, pathetic shadows of their glorious past.
    My son nursed until he was 16 months old. I wouldn't trade the experience for anything. Not even perky boobs.

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  14. My son was almost 2 and my daughter was a little over 2 when they finally stopped breastfeeding. I was so ready for them to stop. My poor boobs were tired of getting abused.

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  15. Oh my goodness. I feel exactly the same way. I'm nursing my 3rd and he's 19 months. It's interesting to say the least! Thanks for the laugh.

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