Dear Hair: You're Cut Off

This is not me. I totally have more hair.
... In my armpits.


Dear Hair,

I'm cutting you off. No, really. I'm so over you.

We'd be cool if you weren't so problematic. If you gave me some kind of special powers, like Samson in the Bible, I'd let you hang around. Or if you were beautiful and obedient and fell gracefully around my shoulders like a silky, sweetly-scented curtain ... that'd be all right. Or if you were, like, awe-inspiring because you looked like a shampoo commercial and people were all, "Oh, I love your hair!" and I was all, "Thanks, I just wash and go!" and people were like, "Lucky biatch" but under their breath so I couldn't hear that they were like totally jealous. THEN you could stick around.

Sadly, though, that's not the case. Here's the thing, Hair: you're much (much much) more trouble than you're worth.

You're so long that I can't even twist you into a bun any more without it looking like I'm smuggling a small pumpkin on the back of my head. Pretty much all I can do is pull you into a (raggedy) ponytail. I can't wear you loose and flowing because you're the texture of an electrocuted sheep, and to flat-iron you takes like an hour and I get all sweaty because hello, straightening irons are super hot and thanks to your ridiculous thickness I have to turn it up all the way. Hmph.

And speaking of ponytails: I know mine is too long when it gets caught in my pits while I exercise. Seriously, Hair? Why you wanna flap around so much? I do a good enough job of looking moronic during Zumba without accidentally clamping my pits down on my own hair. There's enough in there already, thanks. (What?? If I shave every day, I get red bumps.)

While we're on the subject of how you can improve, Hair, how about looking a little less like you came straight off a horse's ass? The dry rough bristly ends just aren't doing it for me. If I were trying to cultivate my own paintbrush it'd be all good, but if I needed a paintbrush I'd just buy one at the store. And those little baby hairs that keep sprouting up along my hairline? Why is it that they never seem to grow long enough to not stick out, Hair? Is it some sort of a "let's consistently make Rita look like crap" conspiracy?

The only reason you're still around is because I don't know what to do with you. Because a.) you have a stupid swirly cowlick right in the middle of my forehead which pretty much negates the chance for cute sideswept bangs, which is what like EVERY cute style features these days, and b.) my face looks like a gumball and I'm trying to decide on a 'do that won't accentuate that fact.

So yeah, Hair, you could say I'm a little grumpy.

You might be getting a dye job too - just warning you now. Because ever since I hit the big 3-0, you're cranking out as fast as Charlie Sheen goes through hookers and coke and stupid sayings. And that, Hair, is not what I'd call #winning.


Thanks for keeping me a little warmer this winter. I guess.*
*Although I think it was mostly due to those short, stupid hairs on the back of my neck that make it look like my ears are trying to grow sideburns on the wrong side.

 
Sincerely,
     


Comments

  1. too funny!! I wish I had hair-intelligence to impart upon you...but I don't. I'm clueless. I rock a pony almost everyday. So good luck w/your venture!

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  2. I had been growing out my hair, in an attempt to get something like along the lines of Johnny Depp's hair in Chocolat. Length, not highlights. Despite the comments from The Wife and some co-workers, I was almost there. Then I went to a wedding a few weeks ago. There was a guy there, hair long, pulled back. Honestly? He looked like a douche. So last Wednesday I had about 5 inches of hair chopped off. True story.

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  3. I am currently growing my hair out. It's weird, but every now and again I get a little Superman curl right where it should be. And that, my friend, is worth it. But enough about my gorgeous hair I guess.

    What were you saying?

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  4. I was just thinking that I need new hair too. I am getting tired of it. I like it...but I miss the red. The blond, although technically it IS me...is just NOT me. And I want a cute new cut too. I don't know what to tell you though. Sorry, friend.

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  5. You crack me up! I just got mine chopped due to the same issues except being too thick. Mine is super thin. So I whacked it off! Super short now! Good luck!

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  6. This is hilarious. And I've love to laugh from a distance, but I've definitely caught my hair in my armpits on many occasions.

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  7. Okay. That was the funniest thing I have read in a long time. And oh so true (not that I would know, I have short hair that I just wash and comb. . . sorry!)

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  8. I'm currently growing my hair out so I can have a funky updo for our wedding. The last time my hair was long was when I was 14. Definitely know what you mean about being a paint. Fuck, I have to like blowdry it and stuff. Pony tails and clips are where it's at.

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  9. You made me laugh!Because I can relate to your hair hate.
    Please post pics when you've said goodbye to that troublesome bun!

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  10. I think you should just wear a stocking cap everywhere (like that guy from the Zac Brown Band), cuz everyone knows that stocking caps are HOT... um I mean stylish!).

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  11. OMG, do we have the same hair? Seriously, I could have written your post. I have a serious love/hate relationship with my hair (mostly I love to hate it), and I've tried to go short, but it was...disastrous. Seriously, if you cut, don't go too short, because then you have to WAIT for it to grow long enough that you can do something with it. I even won a set of hair care products from Oprah's hair stylist guy (she had it on her 'Favorite Things' list this year) and well, it didn't help. Make peace with my hair, my arse. BTW, I have enough hair for about 3 people, so that's just an added bonus. I hate those shampoo commercials where they show those women with perfect hair. I'd have perfect hair too if I had a team of stylists working on it. Bitches.

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  12. ahh i feel the same! I won this salon certificate at a Christmas Party and I'm all like "hooray I don't have to trim my hair myself" but I'm at a stand still as far as going to get it done. i don't want to waste free $50 on a measly ol trim. But i'm pretty low maintenance when it comes to hair & mine usually has a mind of it's own anyways. I'll keep an eye out for cute, easy to care for, flattering 'dos if you do the same;) In the meantime, I say we start a ponytail club! lol

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  13. Awwww me, the grass is always greener isn't it. You complain about too MUCH hair, whilst I cry about not having ENOUGH hair. I'm over here in semi-balding land, while your buried under an avalanche of sheeps wool. I s'pose I can pretend to feel your pain, but that'd be a lie, cause I've never known thick, long hair. However, the amount of hair you must leave in the shower drain.....shudder.

    Good luck friend, good luck. May the hair force be with you.

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  14. So why does your hair always look so luxurious then?? I HATE my hair, why can't we just all shave our heads as a statement? I have dry brittle frizzy hair with greasy roots, mmm sexy.

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  15. Sometimes, it is time for a change!

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  16. I can totally relate! I just got 6 inches cut off because I was so sick and tired of it getting wrapped around my neck when I slept.

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  17. I think you have beautiful, shiny hair! I've seen how long it takes you to straighten it, though, and I don't blame you for wanting to go a little shorter. Just leave enough length to make a ponytail, though, for those days when you don't have time to do anything else! Your hair looks good whether you wear it straight or leave it curly!

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  18. I wish I could "like" other people's comments on here! LOL! I am a bit opposite of you, stick straight, thin, and fine. (my hair, I mean) As someone else said, the grass is always greener, I crave more body!

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