Good Morning, Mommy

At approximately 5:15 this morning, I heard the pitter-patter of little footsteps across our bedroom carpet.

"Can I sleep in your bed?" said Colin, in his regular volume since the child doesn't know the meaning of "whisper."

"Mm-hmm," I said quietly, without opening my eyes, hoping he'd get the point.

"Well, scoot over then," he demanded.

I don't think he understands. We have a queen-sized bed - which is laughable because no queen would consent to sleeping on such a small mattress (not even a drag queen, probably, if he's anywhere near regular man-size). You put in Curtis, who is 6'3"; myself, wide enough for three people at the moment; and Cameron, who sleeps sideways - and generally our two cats, Thurman and Ava - and it makes for cramped quarters. I inched over as far as I could, smushing poor Cameron into his sleeping father's armpit, and Colin climbed in. With a book, entitled Mommy Loves Me.

"I brought this book in case you love me," he said sweetly. I patted his head, still trying to keep the interaction to a minimum, because I knew if we talked too much he'd never go back to sleep.
He settled for a minute, but then came the next request: "I need more pillow." So I offered him the lion's share of mine, resting my head on a teeny corner. Of course, even that wasn't good enough.

"My own pillow."

Luckily I've been sleeping with a couch pillow between my knees to soothe my aching back, so I whipped it out and presented it to him. He spent about two minutes fluffing it, arranging the sheets and comforter, and just generally fidgeting.

"Do you mind if I take my underwear off?" he asked.

"No, go ahead," I whispered. This is the child who would be naked 24-7 if he were allowed, and besides, I understand the need to air out the goods once in a while. So he took it off and threw it on the floor beside the bed. All was quiet.

Then: "My peeeeniiiiis!"

I nearly jumped out of my skin. "What's wrong with it?" I hissed, heart pounding.

"It's waggling all around!"

Um, okay? What do I say to that one? "It's a penis - that's what they do," I responded finally. Miraculously, he seemed satisfied with that explanation, and was still and quiet again.

That's when my hips started to ache. And my bladder was practically screaming, "I'm full! Get your lazy ass up and pee!" But I was sandwiched between Cameron, who was still asleep, and Colin, who was soon going to be the same way (I hoped). There was no way I could possibly get out of bed without disturbing anyone. I would just have to deal with it.

Then Curtis started to snore. Not just a soft rumble, but this weird buzzing inhalation followed by a click. I cannot stand snoring, especially when I'm trying to drift off to sleep (as if I weren't already having difficulty, what with the full bladder and the sore hips). But if I made a move to poke or shake him, I ran the risk that "crack-of-dawn Colin" would take that as a let's-get-up gesture.

So I laid there, becoming increasingly annoyed. I hate the sound of snoring. And I was hot, which always seems to escalate any sort of irritation. Finally I decided to sneak my hand from beneath the covers and give Curtis a gentle shake. Sometimes that works. Unfortunately, this wasn't one of those times; he was sleeping like a rock.

In the process of trying to get him to stop snoring, I stirred Cameron, who let out a fuss, which made Colin pop up like a Jack-in-the-box. "Cameron's awake!" he announced.

Which is why I was out of bed before six this morning, fulfilling requests for omelets and chocolate milk through half-closed eyes.

Oh well, at least I finally got to pee.


  1. I cannot stand snoring either! I actually made my husband sleep in the living room (oky he offered) while I was pregnant so I could get some sleep. before, I would wake up to pee, and then lie awake for hours because of his snoring. Once he moved out it was like a miracle - a whole night without waking up once! of course, that was special pregnancy treatment - no one cares if I get a full night's sleep now.

  2. I so want Colin to come and entertain us for a day.
    And I am definitely going to start using the word "waggling" (and not just when discussing penises!)

  3. I don't think I could get much sleep, snoring or no snoring. The last trimester of all my pregnancies seem to come with some sort of discomfort-related insomnia! Ugh!

    And Jenn, believe it or not, "waggling" is the most consistent word that Colin uses to describe the, um, "actions" of his penis ... and he's ALLLLLWAYS talking about it. It makes him so mad! :)

  4. This sounds like what happens to me too on the weekends! We have a queen size bed too. Shawn is 6'1" plus our dog and cat sleep with us, so I sort of feel your pain.

    I knew EXACTLY what you were talking about when you were trying not to make too many movements or noise so he would go back to sleep. That usually only works about 10% of the time for Cooper. And if Shawn is the one to make a move/noise to interuppt me trying to get him back to sleep, you can bet that he is in trouble with me for the rest of the day! ha!

    Waggling-yeah definitely going to use that someday I am sure.

  5. LOL! Last time you guys were here and I put the boys to bed I had the same problem. Cam was asleep and Colin was about to fall asleep when the darn ceiling fan started making a clicking sound. That started Colin asking questions and I finally gave up and took him in the other bedroom to read to him, then moved him back to the other room after he went to sleep. Then I clung to the tiny sliver of bed that was left after they both turned sideways!


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