Officially Un-Pregnant!

Well everyone, we did it. And by "we" I mean "I." And by "it" I mean "squeezed a gargantuan baby through a considerably smaller opening." Curtis helped too, of course - by contributing his DNA and encouraging me as I pushed.

(Whoa, in what universe is THAT fair - seriously?)

Regardless of who did most of the work (*cough*ME*cough*), the end result was worth the effort: our beautiful new son, Coby James, weighing in at 9 pounds, 2 ouches - I mean, ounces - and 21.5 inches long.

I joke about Curtis, but he really is a good labor coach. And it's a good thing, because it got a little scary for a few minutes. In the middle of getting my epidural, my water broke. When I laid down I felt a huge gush, which I thought was normal - until everyone in the room got eerily quiet and the medical personnel started exchanging those furtive "don't say anything" glances. After a couple agonizing minutes of being completely clueless, I was finally allowed to know that a huge piece of my placenta had come out - which could have meant trouble for Coby. Our nurse mentioned the possibility of an emergency C-section, even going so far as to say that if the baby were in jeopardy, they'd put me completely to sleep. Then the phlebotomists came in to draw a blood sample, in the event that I would need a transfusion. And in the midst of it all, I could only think about one thing - our baby - and I prayed that he would be okay.

But they attached a heart monitor to his scalp and happily reported that he didn't seem stressed whatsoever. Crisis averted, I could go back to worrying about more trivial matters:
- My hair, which was like insanely frizzy because I had been too lazy to straighten it
- My ass, which was (and okay, still is) huge and dimply and hanging out in a backless gown
- The fact that I could. Not. Stop. SHAKING!!
- The looming spectre of poop: would I or wouldn't I?

It seemed like it took forever to dilate fully, but once it was time to push, Coby was out in no time. Seriously, a catcher's mitt would have been totally appropriate - because one minute the top of his head was barely visible and the next minute he was shooting out to greet the world. And the sense of relief I felt, both physical and emotional, brought tears to my eyes.

He doesn't look much like either of his brothers, sleeps well, nurses like a champ, and has a squeaky little cry. We'll see how much things change once we leave the hospital tomorrow. For now, I know him in the context of this controlled, monitored, "when did you last feed him and how many soiled diapers has he had" environment. I can't wait to bring him home, where our life together can truly begin.

And oh yeah ... because I know you're all wondering?

I pooped.



Comments

  1. Congratulations to you and the new little bean!

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  2. 9 pounds? 9? NINE? Oh my lordy, I bow down to you.

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  3. congrats - glad to know everything went smoothly and that you and Coby are healthy

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  4. Lady, you just had a baby...how are you coherent never mind this freakin' funny?!

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  5. I truly do understand, truly. Because I had been constipated before birth, while I was in agony and half out of my mind on some sort of "twilight drug" - "You'll still feel everything but you won't care" - they decided I needed an enema. To this day I am so grateful I was out of my mind when they sent me to borrow a bathroom where some woman (w/hubby) was in labor. I hope I NEVER know who they were. No one should have THAT much in them. I know I know TMI but wanted you to know that the Sisterhood of Poop exists!

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  6. Congratulations! I can't believe you've already blogged about it--you are clearly a stronger woman than I am. Many happy and healthy wishes headed your way (and his).

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  7. Congratulations (on the baby of course)!!! ;)

    (And I teared up watching the baby picture slideshow -- Rita, you make me a sap!!!)

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  8. Congratulations!! And that was an awesome post--seriously, a book. Please?

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  9. OMG - did you really just tell us you pooped? Your honestly blows me away. In a good way :) Congratulations on your newest sweet pea. GOOD LUCK at home!!!

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  10. Oh my god he's huge! And you, my friend, are hilarious as always. Big hugs and love

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  11. Ooh honey - how exciting! So pleased for you it all went well. He's huge!!! And yes, how come you're blogging so coherently already?? Kisses all round. As for the poop - I don't even know if I ever did (hubby refuses to tell me). Does that mean I did?? Hmmmm...

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  12. Congrats on your little one. You're a champ!

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  13. Hooray! (Virtual confetti throwing in effect.) Congrats! And, for the record, I'm not surprised you are already blogging, especially "coherently." You're a strong woman--you wouldn't let something like childbirth get in your way! :-)

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  14. and just wait until you see the pictures, I'm sure you're going to hate most of them b/c you think you look "horrible", which you don't!!! LOL that you mentioned pooping - only you would have the balls to say that!

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  15. Congrats! I'm glad the scary moment turned out to be nothing more then a scary moment. Can't wait to see pictures of the babe!

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  16. I am so glad that all went well. Can't wait to see pictures of the little guy.

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  17. Congrats new momma!!! Way to go. You are a champ!

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  18. Congrats!!!

    It's okay, I pooped with both my kids too. My husband loves to bring this up. He's all, "And then, when I thought it couldn't get any grosser, you took a dump!!"

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  19. bloody hell! well done you, what a big baby (not you obviously! ;-) )!! sounds very ouchie!

    childbirth is flipping scary, even when it doesn't hurt it's still scary!

    here's to restful nights, fingers crossed! :-)

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  20. He's absolutely beautiful! (Of course, he has a great gene pool!) I'm so glad I was here to help with his brothers. Now I remember why it's only young people who have small children! LOL

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  21. Congrats again. Going to look at the pictures now!

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  22. Congrats and thank you for always being so honest. Glad the nursing is going well for you this time around

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  23. ahahahaha!!!!!!! I adore you! I had a nine pounder as well...9 pds 3 ouches...Thank God for c-sections...I'd be bowlegged and my pants would never fit! That was almost twenty years ago. The pooping thing kills me--that was always my fear--In my book on midlife pregnancy, I discuss my biggest fear of all--the fear of farting in the doctor's face during the gyno exam...love your writing style...your wit and your subject matter. Keep on truckin, girl! D

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  24. YAY!!!!!!! What a relief, now you can continue on with life with baby Coby! I had that horrible shaking also, I felt like a dork but it was uncontrollable. Congratulations and blessings!!!!!!!

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  25. WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Congrats!!! And no worries, everyone poops!!! Love your birth story!

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  26. Congratulations! Although, coming from a 23 yr old girl who is not having a baby any time soon, I'm not liking all these pooping stories I tell ya!!! You must be so proud. (Of your three beautiful boys - I'm no longer talking about the poop) xx

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  27. My jaw dropped at the placenta thing and then, as usual, my new friend, I ended up laughing. Congrats on your 1 year anniversary.

    My sister always says when you have a baby you leave all your dignity at the door of the hospital, but they give it back to you when you leave. Poop, bare butts, vaa-jay-jay out there for the world to see. Miraculously, you end up not caring about any of that.

    I remember with my first daughter, I had a long and arduous labor with lots of different doctors coming in to have a looksie. The next morning, the same thing, an onslaught of doctors came in to check on things. It was also a teaching hospital, so, yeah, all the med students got a gander of things, too. At one point, a doctor came in and introduced himself. I just automatically threw back my covers and lifted up my gown so he could take a peek. He nervously adjusted his glasses when he informed me he was my new baby's pediatrician.

    We didn't stay with that practice for long.

    What we women endure. It's why we're the stronger sex. Men couldn't deal with any of it.

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